alphabetically... 
otherwise... Here's a random list to tide you over while you make your mind up
As hopeful as a single mum in a sink estate with a scratchcard 
More gay than a gay in a gay.
Sweatier than a sauna full of Greeks
Weirder than Tiger Woods' attempting to reverse out of his drive at 2mp/h only to become sealed in his car, go unconscious and get full of massive facial injuries.
Hairier than Brian Blessed going down on Shami Chakrabarti
As cold as Bill Oddie's staring paedophile eyes
More miserable than a poof with piles
More derivative than Deryck 'Derivative' Derivative when he's just derived a Blackadder DVD box set from his Auntie Derrie Vative on Derivation Day in Derivativeland.
Slower than Slowhand Clapton McSlow downloading Barely Legal volumes 1 to 82 on a dial-up internet connection, in Cornwall.
About as cheery as Hannukah at Auschwitz
Dryer than a Nun's Fanny
Blacker than a piece of Whitby jet up a miner's arse.
Less funny than Andy Parsons on Mock The Week.
Rougher than an abbot's wank sock
(She had) more chins than a Chinese Phonebook.
Less inviting than an evening in an Austrian cellar.
As tactless as a 65-year old Australian plasterer performing as Roy Chubby Brown's warm-up act
Angrier than a badger in a carwash
About as cool as Steven Seagal
Ugly as a robber's dog
Less in demand than a Portuguese baby sitter.
Happier than a bee at a picnic.
More ugly than a Scouser with a Hair lip
More cheese than a mouse in Roquefort
More amusing than Matt Lucas's civil partner killing himself.
About as smooth as an Egyptian Whiskey in a sand storm
As stoned as a painter and decorator in the West country
More Fat than a middle aged Dutch man in speedo's
