Listopia

Bono. “Every toime oi click moi foingers, an Oifrican choild doies”. Stop fucking doing it then, you shortarsed, tax-dodging, God bothering bogtrotter.

Joe Jackson. Beat his children mercilessly and denied them a proper life, to the extent that MJ totally lost his shit and got a plastic face, then used his death as an opportunity to plug his new record label. Quite possibly the most evil man alive.

Axl Rose. Please stop it as it's getting very silly. You look like Rufus Hound on pies doing a pirate drag act.

Bono, I'm happy for you, and I'm a let you finish, but Kanye West is one of the biggest pricks of all time.

Sting. He may be able to shag Trudie Styler for 8 hours straight without ejaculating, but given she looks like an ageing anorexic Thundercat, it’s probably fairly easy to keep the vinegar strokes at bay. Also, looked a right bellend on Wogan with his Aztec mate with the side plate in his lip.

Liam Gallagher. No, Liam, you are not a young, working class rebel. You are a middle aged multi-millionaire whose adolescent behaviour looks increasingly tragic and desperate with every passing year. Grow up or piss off. Or both. Any combo would suit me.

Mariah Carey. What is that fucking squeaking bollocks at the end of the song you did on X-factor? It's about 4 octaves above human hearing. Are you trying to attract all the other stray dogs or what? Whatever it is, it isn't music. So fuck off.

Jas "Babylon Zoo" Mann. Quote: "Writing #1 singles is easy. I could write one every day of the week." Well? We're still waiting, you freakish-haired poltroon.

R Kelly. "I believe I can fly". Give it a go then you child-pissing-on dildo. From a Cessna preferably.

Phil Collins. Due back on British shores the moment David Cameron gets the keys to Number 10. One good reason, then, to vote for the depressive cyclops currently in office. Fuck off back to Switzerland, Phil, NO JACKET REQUIRED!

'Sir' Cliff Richard. Sorry to take your mate's name in vain but for God's sake we all KNOW you're bumming that vicar you've been shacked up with for years. Just come out. It'd be a good chance to re-release 'Bachelor Boy' and spend the cash on lube.

Iggy Pop. Like John Lydon, has gone from "fuck the system" to "buy this stuff" except that Iggy doesn't even use the product he advertises - he can't, as Swiftcover won't insure musicians.

John 'Johnny Rotten' Lydon. Then: punk, rebel, icon, hate figure for the right-wing press and idol for disaffected youth. Now: Fat, butter flogging, corporate cock sucking, ginger cunt. 'Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?' (J Rotten 1978)

Jay Kay. You're called Jason and you are under five foot tall. Big hat? Big ponce .....

Chris de Burgh. The musical equivalent of the Pacamac. Shagged his kids' nanny when his wife was in hospital with a broken neck. Claims to have Jesus-like healing hands. He's not the Messiah, he's a monobrowed cunt.

Morrissey. Any chance you could just stay in your luxurious LA pad, eat your cock-shaped tofu, and keep your boring irrelevent gob shut for five minutes, you tit?

'Sir' Elton John. 'Jesus was a gay man!'. Got an album out have you, you fat ponce? Why not go the whole hog on your publicity seeking bollocks and claim that he also played the piano and wore a silly wig that made him look like a dumpy lesbian?

The Edge. 'The' Edge? The 'Edge'? any way you say it, he's a cunt, and a bald cunt at that.

Surprisingly this record is held by Danii Minogue, who deposited a 2.1kg chocolate curly-fry on the South American leg of her 2003 World tour.

Lily Allen. If you've retired (like you do every year) how come I keep seeing your disgusting visage everywhere?

Billy Bragg. Writes smug, self-righteous songs about socialism and how everyone should help the poor and pay more tax. Except him, his money is all ofshore where the taxman can't touch it. Right on!!

Akon. Try getting your chums to drag a child out of the Reading crowd so you can assault him.

That boy from Ndubz is a proper cunt! No reasons required.

robbie williams. the talentless, gurning Potter cunt.

Paul McCartney. Uniped humping scouser who wrote the 1972 track Give Ireland Back to the Irish. Ireland was 'given back' in 1921. Surely he meant Ulster, the fenian Wings scum.

Ronan Keating. I just hope he goes the same way as that other prick.

Hey James Corden, are you a black rap star? Or the writer of a shit TV show? Go back to being fat and unfunny you arsefaced troll.