Listopia

Everyone is stood around in a massive sandpit scratching their heads and going "how do we always manage to fuck stuff up?" After a few minutes someone shrugs their shoulders and says "immigrants?"

Paula Radcliffe is made Queen of England for the day. Immediately passes a law making shitting in the street legal.

Tessa Sanderson will open the new athletics stadium mounted on a huge mechanical cock that fires Fatima Whitbread into the crowd killing thousands.

Pat Butcher parachutes directly onto the Queen's lap and shouts "BEEFY CRISPS" into her old quivering ears.

Deranged Tony Blair, tooled up like Arnie from an 80s movie, yelling from the top of the Wembley arch "This enough civilian targets for you? Come on you Al Qaeda bastards, this oughta smoke you out!!"

In a break from tradition the spectacular Olympic opening song will be replaced by Jimmy Saville raping a child across a blood spattered altar. With a glitter shower at the end.

A hog-tied, burning Vernon Kaye will be used in-place of the traditional Olympic torch.

Britain will win gold in a new event called "The Dracula Slide" or something, witnessed solely by a couple of Japanese people who were looking for the toilets..

The lord Jesus Christ has been resurrected yet again to host the televised event, with the lovely Fearn Cotton as the affable female co-host.

For the fireworks ceremony, they have decided to implode the sun, while a flaming caricature outline of David Beckham's gormless face, covers Russia.

The final step of the infamous torch will be carried by non-other, than Jessica Alba's bumhole.

The VIP areas will be carved from the stone structures of Atlantis.

At the opening ceremony, 25 Billion people will be doing Joe Pesci's "Wise Guy" in a well-practiced, free-form dance extravaganza.

Barry Manilow covers the stadium with his massive handkerchief, and blows mountainous chunks of snot into everybody's hair.

The field transmorphs into TV actress Roberta Taylor's snarling head, and fires a quantum laser from the giant ruby lodged in her dog's arsehole of a mouth.