Listopia

Hahaha

Everybody hates adverts, but put your product on Facebook and people lap up your marketing like Zammo McGuire and his dropped scag.

Oh go on, have a thumb to make this top. Extra thumb love for the Zammo reference!

https://www.facebook.com/polycell

Porn videos with a "Like on Facebook!" thing. Right next to the play button.

hahaha

It's free and effective marketing. So you're stuck with it.

Like us on Facebook for 50p off your next Clearblue Pregnancy Test kit!

I feel so cheated now cos my bog roll has no social links. I will therefore make a concerted effort to fashion a "find us on Facebook" QR code on it, out of my own shit.

Hashtags on adverts piss me right off. Shorthand for "Hey! You'll probably be wanting to talk to your friends about our awesomely creative ad campaign, such is its devastating effectiveness. When you do, please ensure you use our approved labelling system so that we can easily scrape your conversation for a few meaningless figures that we can stick into a buzzword-laden Powerpoint presentation, which we'll use to quack on about 'social reach' with the sole aim of baffling our client"

I was stopped in my tracks during the weekly shop this week as I noticed that Andrex are running a "Scrunch or Fold?" survey, cheerfully wondering what topological distortion their customers are using while tending to their shitty gutports. http://i49.tinypic.com/jufuyt.png .. seriously. What the fuck is wrong with people?

A pile of hate: http://tinyurl.com/a8oo4ra

The tip of the pile of hate: http://i47.tinypic.com/ruxle8.png - if what? they've eaten food? smiled at a camera? DIE. ALL OF YOU THAT "LIKED" THIS. DIE.

My preference is to use a 1cm x 1cm square of paper balancing on my fingertip. Hashtag 2 days to payday.

I fold each sheet into a delicate origami animal and then poke it up into my colon. Once I have enough for a reasonably varied "Charmin Zoo", I shit them all out again into the bath. Hashtag jesus fucking christ

Probably a list in this

The noble swan exits gracefully, carrying a precious cargo of warm stool upon his back

Bear and Miss O

Most excellent rant Kodiak.

And look, here. http://tinyurl.com/b943ep9 .. 11 likes. 11 people thought "Yeah, I like this enough to click on a button, sure; christ only knows why I'm reading the twee facebook page of a cleaning product created by a multibillion-dollar multinational corporation, why i would seek to engage with them like this, to 'chat' to the poor fucking prick working as Junior Social Media Manager who has to spend his days thinking of things to add to a page about bottles of fancy bleach

things that, while utterly banal and trivial in every sense, still have to be authorised by the central marketing team so that the page stays on-message. It all seems so completely soulless, but yet, yes, I DO 'Like' this. I do. Infact, I might leave them a message, because I have important feelings about this issue. Here: "both x" - I put the 'x' because I do that with everything I post on Facebook, it makes me appear a more loving and passionate individual.

They will find this useful to know that I care about both issues and that I am passionate and loving. The Junior Social Media Manager will have our responses printed out and tucked into his folder of papers for the meeting with the Market Analysis team later this week. The girl that runs the Flash twitter account is coming to that one too, and he isn't sure he likes her much because she seems to be able to connect and engage with her audience better than he is managing to on Facebook

I am Maria Snowden, and my life is disappearing one Like at a time.

What pair of cunts thumbed this down?

Marketing cunts?

Do men ever 'scrunch'? I would have thought that it's 'scrunch' to mop piss off your twatflaps and 'fold' to scrape turd off your rusty sherriff's badge?

I can't fucking believe they've made a TV advert for the campaign now. Stacey Solomong telling me she's a scruncher. I am never buying an Andrex product ever again.

Maybe scrunching is kosher?

Anybody who smokes while they're pregnant can't be all bad.

I've only just discovered that this exists as a thing. Fuck them fuck this and fuck off.

I thought this would be right up your street, as it were.....

Go boil your head.

For some reason I follow a certain shitpot supermarket on Twitter. This morning, their rat-faced social media cuntsock decided to post the message 'Retweet if you're still in bed!'. Why? WHY? Get to absolute fuck, you pointless skidmark on humanity. Your life has amounted to NOTHING. You exist on this planet merely to type out moronic, meaningless little turds in the hope that some of them will poke an equally meaningless graph up a couple of points, despite nobody really giving a toss. Die.

Just home from supermarket. Forgot bogroll. Need a big greasy shit. Any1 in the area to help? Busting out, plz like :@ #actuallyneverworry

I began to hate Davies about 18 months ago and now he's starting to eclipse other hatefuls. Hopefully Fry will just bury a hatchet in his skull.

This, Mr Costas, is one of the most sublime observations in LIstopialand

POTY.

Aces!

are you Charlie Brooker? Ace :D

'with their ringtones and their opinions' - amazing!

These people are descended from war veterans, Elizabethans, plague survivors, Cavaliers & Roundheads, Tolpuddle Martyrs. How bloody depressing.

It's the survival of the thickest out there..

Love it - Listopian ethos at work.

Well said, Jim.

Sproggage Opinion > X Opinion. Maths.

Plus the plus sign does not work on this site which is something of a minus.

I called someone this the other day for saying "typical man". They then invited me to patronise them by explaining what it meant.

So being capable of having unprotected sex and destroying the planet that little bit more makes you more of a person than me then?

I am woman, hear me bore.

This is all very confusing.

You see, they all hate women, but want to have sex with the unattainable attractive ones.

This is the most confusing block of comments on Listopia. Each one seems to be part of another conversation which I haven't read.

Or supermarket aisles - then complain when they get my trolley up their overweight, pizza stuffing flabby arse

Christ yes! They stop, somehow manage to abandon their trolley across the aisle and then wander off to look at the spaghetti hoops.

Cuntorama!

Don't get me started on Royal Mail - absolute cunts - I got a 'we missed you..' note slipped through the door right as I was stood behind it... put some shoes on and chased the postman down the street only to get his response 'oh, no sorry I haven't go the parcel with me..' RAGE

Seven thumbs down? Still, I suppose postmen finish work so early they have plenty of time for internet fun.

OK Robwhufc, YOU take it there then.

I would add random vigilante acts of sniperdom to punishment as well.Once a few of them got shot it would soon stop these wanton acts of litter buggery

litter buggery?

Thumb for "tabard" and "smash to absolute fuck"

Aged about 13 I got punched in the face for littering. Only when I reached about 30 did I realise it was a reasonable response. It came directly from the person who had to pick up my litter I kept dropping in their garden. Having reached 40 now, I would make it 2 punches, really, especially as I actually denied it as well.

Litter bugs should be anally stretched

I recently yelled "don't mention it" and the woman tried to kick me in the shin! So I called her a fucking arsehole. Excellent moment.

I hate people who are happy to walk through the doorway while you are standing there to pass it to them and they even keep their hands in their pockets and don't make any attempt to take the door from you.

When that happens to me I follow them to the next door they walk through and recreate the Vinnie Jones car door scene from Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. It tends to take the sting out of the initial irritation.

This is incredible. I have never had any of these experiences.

I used to work to the same office as somebody who used to consistently do this. Infuriatingly, his natural facial expression was a contemptuous sneer. Even thinking back about it still fills me with rage.

Medic to aisle four please. Shaun has gone foetal.

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!!1

YES, thank god i'm not the only person that has noticed this abomination

so you couldn't work here then? http://yepyep.gibbs12.com/2009/03/auto-tune-in-the-office/

Is that the thing where their voices go all fucking tinny?

So, BMW drivers, then?

Also legions of middle aged women in VW Golfs, barely functional geriatrics in "small town cars", and cocky little shits in chavved-up sadmobiles.

I was following a friend once who does this. When I challenged him about it, he airily replied that it was nobody else's fucking business where he was going.

... and now he's dead, yes?

Cunto extremo. But love shauns pals rationale.

With an attitude like that, one would hope, Droog. But if not, I'd volunteer to run him into the Thames in winter by making an unannounced, two-lane-changes turn in front of him leaving him no choice but to partake of the briny deep.

Yes. Kill them all.

scum.

These people are descended from war veterans, Elizabethans, plague survivors, Cavaliers & Roundheads, Tolpuddle Martyrs. How bloody depressing.

Liars the lot of them. "Oh that one? it's *just* been let... but we have another one way over your budget/next to a prison/kitchen the size of a cupboard"

Glengarry Glen Ross is the reason I got into real estate, but it doesnt explain why I am an over-privileged, morally bankrupt cunt of a twat.

The mere mention of "recruitment consultants" makes me pray for a dogshit airstrike on all of humanity. However, I do like it when they desperately call back months later, or even better, they call to tell you about the job that you just applied for directly, on your own initiative. "I drank your milkshake, you utter penis."

My cousin has named her first cunt shit "Saxon". Where that bad enough, but she lives in Australia, and with their clipped vowels he will forever be know as "Sexon".

Why did you want to tell us this now?

^ Oh, I see. Ignore the above.

"What do you think you can bring to this role?" Well I've already brought the answer to this question in my CV and application statement. Do you have lead poisoning or something?

Or where US English is the only English option

^This too, which deserves its own entry.

The Guardian site is a prime example of this annoyance, by the way.

I bet Pete Townsend's kicking himself he never thought to use this as an excuse

Simple answer to your problems chaps - stop fucking kids and stop reading the guardian. The two are connected.

The Hull Daily Mail site is like that. It seems to get all of its scores of adverts from different servers, in a protracted sequence

adblock you cock-ends

Ahh but Steven Seagal is a chef AND all those other jobs in his films

Hahahahaha, how marvellous

If you use twitter and facebook you are a dick. SAYS THE LORD.

Hell of a put down, Barbersmith. Hell of a put down.

And now it's that fucker out of the Bee Gees, because yeah, I fucking love that Saturday Night Fever film even though I don't think I've ever seen it but I used to dance to Staying Alive at the student night when I was at 'uni' CUNTS CUNTS CUNTS

I don't know why I was so angry about this.

Because you're a prick. That's what your facebook profile says.

Fuck off you big fat cunt.

Shan't.

Please? I'll give you some crisps.

AIDS crisps.

I've only got pickled HIV.

Pull them open and give them a good licking.

RICK MY OLEO!!!

Goatse Wagon Wheels.

They're not as big as I remember

Awwwwww. Grumpy ickle Droog :) *pinches cheek

Give him his cheek back.

*playfully ruffles Droog's hair so much that it gets all tangled and she becomes even more incensed*

SQUASH YOU ALL UP!

BLRRFGH

SPLITCH

PFFFFFHHH

You had me at 'women'...etc etc

So much win on this AxemanJim.

Thanks, though on reflection they're more 3x3s I guess.

Bugga a Bastards

"revolting little shithead within" should really be made as a car window sticker

at least they don't complain about their jobs

they went on strike once over the tea bags in the staff canteen, rumour is they changed from yorkshire tea to typhoo. The result a 4 day strike

They are such fucking fucking cunts.

cunts with nice tea though

quasi?

An acquaintence on Facebook's wife recently spawned, and they instantly changed their facebook name to 'Mia's Daddy'. If I ever meet them, I am going to stamp on them until I run out of foot.

Ha!

The production editor on a magazine I worked on would correct our already correct loose/lose to the incorrect version. We had to email him the words and their meanings, to stop him making us look like cunts. It didn't work. The magazine is closed now. The end.

Did he insist that you added apostrophes to plurals like my ex boss did? 'I don't care if it's wrong; it LOOKS better.'

Hhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnngggg​gg​!!!!

Is that a grunt of sympathetic fury?

(I think he's wanking).

Apostrophe's in plural's what??Where is plural - I think we should be told.

Ah yes, the "Greengrocer's Apostrophe"

Jesus, I just had an involuntary eye twitch when reading that entry. I'm not even joking.

I think you need this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RR5V0rmN4o And a thumb, of course.

That's ace. I found finishing the Control level on 00 Agent difficulty so frustrating that I rage quit it back in 2000 and once I'd calm down (12 years later ) I went back and finally beat it. Fuck Natalya.

'Minimum of fuss' makes a refreshing change to the usual convoluted revenge scenarios.

"Knee-faced", love that

Didn't "cougars" used to be called "slappers"?

Particularly given that the original poster would only have been deployed in the event of an invasion or Mosleyite coup.

(I mean the original poster with KCACO on it, not Droog)

Keep Calm and Listen to Coldplay! Keep Calm and Eat Cupcakes! Fuck Off and Fuck Off!

There's a tee shirt available which reads "Go Crazy and Kill Everyone"

Ketamine, cor! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa cccccccccccccccc o

(its the best)

not any endorsement of things

Here's one for you, Droog. http://imgur.com/gallery/fH1zu

I both love and hate that.

Holy Christ yes. Mancunian establishments have abandoned even the font and the structure: DO THIS and SOMETHING and SOMETHING ELSE now seems to be enough to deliver recognition-based purchases.

This is the only variant that I have found remotely pleasing: http://i.imgur.com/5AXiQ.png

Well I was doing this shit nearly two years ago http://www.b3tards.com/u/3415760a07b01ec9c49e/carryoncamping.jpg

Ach, sorry Silvia, we're fresh out of medals

I loathe this. Mostly because it is such a brainless attempt at ignoring valid criticism. "Of course they don't like you Adolf, they're just haters"

See also 'they're just jealous'. I'm not jealous of Dappy from N Dubs, I'm embarrassed that he is considered human. I'm jealous of Salvador Dali, Thom Yorke and fuck knows who else because they're magnificently talented, and yet I harbour no dislike towards them at all.

I do find the 10-second delay required to shut down my PC a benefit - gives me enough grace to fend off my button-meddling 3-year-old.

It's probably just trying to delete those inappropriate pictures you took of it...

Bonus points for use of 'windowlicker'.

It's true though - you get to that point where nothing has happened for so long that you assume you haven't pressed it right, so you press it again, and nothing happens. You just sit there drooling at the mouth and poking buttons until help arrives.

Having enjoyed the delights of Ryanair's target market, that would be a fine idea. A trumpet blast for successful defecation, and a mournful tuba for "I've blocked it up with vodka sick and a stag man's sperm". The theme to Jonny Briggs for both.

Failure to go = comedy trombone.

Genuine officelol to these comments!

And again! If you get me sacked, Barber, I'm coming to live in your bath.

Always happens with Sainsbury's bacon. Scientists disagree as to why.

Stay classy, Listopia

Bacon isn't a ready meal

You have been misinformed

I'm afraid it is you who are incorrect, Bear. Bacon is, in and of itself, the king of all foodstuffs.

those people don't "choose" anything, they merely attempt to respond in a way they think might be appropriate. These are the ones who sing along to Keane.

The sort where you click back and it expects you to submit form data again?

No just any site you might be linked to from Google. But when you click the back button it just keeps reloading the homepage rather than going back to your google search. A lot of companies used to use it, presumably thinking it would keep people on their page but instead it's just highly fucking annoying and makes you hate them.

This annoys me so much I only ever open links in new tabs. Boils my piss...

So does pushing welding rods down your urethra

Or pissing on the hot stones in the sauna when you can't be arsed to get fresh water

Hot piss. How do you like yours?

You guys never fail to horrify and amuse me...

Comment thumbs to charaldan

Mainly because of the unholy jolt from the advert music to what you actually want to listen to. Known in the business as the Andrew Lloyd Webber transpositional style.

I couldn't be bothered reading till the end of this entry

Hate you.

Along with EU citizens who can come here to work and live, yet completely ignoring the 1.5m brits doing exactly that in mainland Europe.

Usually the same people that dream of retiring to Spain or Australia.

Hah, yes! "I'm off to Oz, it's so much cheaper with a better standard of living!". Yet when people use that reasoning to come here...

Usually under the misapprehension that where ever they end up would be grateful to have them...

But Richard Littlejohn said that Afghans come here and go straight to the top of the housing list. I read it in the paper.

'You couldn't make it up!' No, Richard, maybe we couldn't but you could and you do.

Government favours the develoution of people, things like looking after people are not taking society forward it is taking all of us backward. write the manifesto jimleh in list form

You had me at 'women'...etc etc

:D Are you a singleton by any chance, Barbie?

Routy tells me you're hot Droog. We should meet up and make babies.

I never presented Blue Peter in the seventies.

When I was a kid, I had a Rocky III poster on my wall. Barbs had one of Peter Sutcliffe.

Why did they never make a Sutcliffe 2? I wholeheartedly enjoyed the first one.

You misspelled 'Simpleton'.

You are bang on target here. The little bastards.

What has happened to a basic appreciation of decent fidelity these days? However shit your fucking grimestep sounds it'd sound a whole lot better on a decent set of Bang & Olufsen.

Apparently Colin Fry got outted as a con and had to cancel his tour. Bet he didn't see that coming!

or rather "ututlete" "funts"

Not exactly a recent trend though is it? 'Dramedy' and 'frenemy' (whilst both undeniably cunty) have been around for over thirty years. More recent examples like 'staycation' and 'webisode' are just as bad, but not sure the papers came up with them.

Really? It seems pretty recent to me. Or maybe it's just more prevalent now. I don't remember seeing film reviews use the term "dramedy", or worse "bromance", with no explanation until fairly recently. Either way - cunts.

and the same with showbiz couples.

We can certainly agree where cunts are concerned. Have a thumb.

FUCK YES.

"Bromance" is the one that really fucks me off. Using this word is the hallmark of an utter cunt.

What's bromance? Sounds like a halide allotrope.

And thats a chemistry joke, folks.

They even do it on the news. Talk of the Grexit from the Euro. Fuck me, we're talking about Greece Exiting the Euro currency, I can fucking well understand that serious issue without a clever little neologism. What next? the AIDSdemic in Africa?

But there's also the people who wait ages to even get out of their seat, then tut and grumble while fighting the tide of people who waited long enough for them to get off.

'get off' hurr hurr hurr.

Giving a 3-2-1 countdown and then wading straight into them makes it all better.

I'll get my coat.

Took me a few seconds, but then I am as thick as a bucket of shit.

Fucking hell, I lodged with a bloke in Manchester in the 80s who was one of the great cunts. Day 1 I moved a wardrobe in my room and there was a drawing on the wall of a smashed guitar and the words "Who gives a fuck?". Little did I know what I was in for. The guy was the self-appointed world authority on guitar playing (and the flute, the cunt) and just fucking never stopped talking about how ace he was at everything, especially THE GUITAR.....

..He'd also had THE WORLD'S FITTEST GIRLFRIEND for a while, a Carol Anne, who had left him after a brief relationship. He'd no idea why and I had to nip myself on the sack whenever he brought it up to stop myself crying with laughter. He insisted on referring to her as, (*swallows sick), 'C&A' even though she'd been gone for years and he'd been alone (apart from the guitars and flute) ever since....

..He was also the WORLD'S BEST UNDISCOVERED SONGWRITER and played me a Portastudio recording of a song he and 'C&A' had recorded once about their holiday in Morocco called 'Morocco'. It included the never-to-be-forgotten couplet "We talk about Morocco and it always makes me smile, I haven't seen Morocco in a long long while". It featured a harmony vocal from start to finish from him and 'C&A' and was the most ridiculous thing you could possibly imagine...

...Just fucking horrific in every way. You could hear the terror in her voice. Within a couple of weeks I hated him more than I thought was possible and moved out as soon as possible. To his credit, he had put me up when I had nowhere else to go one day after being physically thrown out of my digs in Salford by two maniacs who had threatened to stab me in the bollocks with a broken bottle, so I was, and always will be, thankful to him for that but otherwise....WHAT a bellend.

Thumb up both for this and for Routey's tale.

I got home from Poly one afternoon and he was waiting behind the front door with a Les Paul plugged into a Marshall stack (seriously). He said "check this out" and launched into 'Surfing With The Alien' by Joe Satriani. It was all I could do to not piss my pants on the spot. The guy from next door came out to complain about the punishing noise that was being blasted toward his home and Alan stopped dead, screamed "get back in your house before I kill you" and then went back into it.

If I'd discovered C&A's skeleton in the attic wearing a 'I heart Marrakech' tee-shirt I wouldn't have been the least surprised. I wouldn't have grassed him up either because I owed him one plus, you know, boys will be boys and all that but if he'd mentioned being in Atarah Ben Tovim's Youth Ensemble as a child once more I would definitely have at least pissed on his toothbrush. Maybe even would have mixed crap in his Marmite.

.....or just bought a then-legal knuckleduster and punched his fucking head 'round.

It's a shame routine.blogspot.com has been taken.

Wait...you were in Higher Education? Fucking hell. They really did let any cunt in in those days, didn't they?

They did, yeah, not that you'd know, you thick whore. It was still the grant system you see (I spent my first grant cheque on a 4' fish tank) and a good percentage of the people there were professional students who did as little as possible, pocketed the cheques and then signed up for something else as soon as their courses finished. That's why the student loans are better because they get rid of the parasites like me...

.....I fucked if off after a year when I got offered a job I fancied, plus I'd only been there in the first place to fund myself while I lived there and played in a band. So, say thanks to your parents for the cheques and in case you were wondering what happened to the fish tank, all the fish died when I went on holiday for a year and left a hopeless alcoholic in charge of them.

I can identify with this, the Mother-in-Law sounds a bit pissed when I refer to her daughter as Fuckpuppet on the phone.

Oscar Pistorius did this in the fucking 999 call he made after he shot his missus

Recent conversation: 'We're going to call her Maisie' 'Really? What's that short for?' 'Huh?'

Ollie. That's what someone I know called their child recently. "Oh, Oliver, nice name (*lying)". "No, just Ollie". Fuck off.

Maisie? Short for "Maze Prison", surely?

I know someone who called their kids Mikey

Give over. Mikey? That's fucked. We're just getting old. It's that simple. Our beliefs and hopes mean nothing.

That'll be great when he becomes Prime Minister just like Sir Winnie Churchill, Billy Pitt and Benny-Wenny-Bum-Bobs Disraeli.

He could always change his name later, like Gideon Osborne

How many kids did they name Mikey? My Granddad named me but he'd dead now so I'll let him off. The dead cunt (but not a prick).

...ES ON.

This thumb is partly because spilling the rant over into the comment box made me chuckle...

Ditto-kind of like a visual representation of the Doppler effect

Oh fuck yes, this deserves a thumb. It's easier for you keep warm than it is for me to cool down.

Try not living in Australia, you moaning cunt.

Stav -

Is this something to do with spiders?

I have no recollection of posting the above comment, but it's just made me laugh so I'm going to give myself a .

My punctuation sucks balls today.

See also: MS Word's spellchecker red-inking all your correct Queen's English -er, -ise and -our word endings.

* -re, I meant. Shit, I'm starting to weaken to all this!

Way to confuse the dyslexic there!

See also: people describing others as 'autistic' if they're vaguely good at maths.

Oh yes, and similarly- not being hugely intelligent and having dyslexia: they are not the same thing.

There's a select list of disorders that people claim to have, isn't there? "Sorry, I'm a bit OCD about my books, they have to be in alphabetical order" etc. You never hear people say "Let's not walk into town, let's get a taxi. I'm a bit Multiple Sclerosis"

hahaha

"Oi, cover your mouth when you cough, mate. I'm a bit AIDS when it comes to colds."

Costas

I also hate it when you click 'what's this?' intentionally and it takes you to a new page but in the same fucking tab. Then you have to worry whether clicking back is going to fuck up all the stuff you've entered in to the form previously...

very small snippets fix these problems, but no. It's just too much like hard work.

This is the best argument against farmers I have ever heard.

Which makes it ironic that I clicked the thumb-down button by mistake.

Most farmers are subsidised to the eyeballs anyhoo!

I am going to use the phrase "Gormless straw chewer" all the time now.

That's England is it? Nothing more to it at all?

Probably true of all developed countries.

You had me at England, etc etc...

Sarcy fucker! ;) xx

That would be Americans then.

...Ok. You've convinced me. It's a thumb-up from me.

thumb-up from me, I find that Canadians say "Awesome" a lot, but they are much nicer than americans so i can forgive them

As an American, I tend to avoid Brit spellings, since it'd make me look similarly douchey. But I gotta hand it to you guys, your spellings do look better.

It's usually the ones who's lives are so terribly busy but they still manage to keep up with every latest fucking Simon Cowell ear-rape fest, TOWIE, soap reality show etc. Maybe if they spent less time consuming they'd have "waaay to much etc..

Or "All You Can Eat Data" except if you tether or you eat too much or you abuse the fair use policy - how is it fucking all you can eat or unlimited if it is subject to a limit ffs??

Unlimited Data! *

* Unlimited up to 1GB, then £1 a GB

It's almost like they think we're all gullible, ignorant pricks

I rang up BT at the weekend because I'd been charged for an evening call when I have "unlimited" evening and weekend calls. The guy informed me that if the call goes over an hour then you have to hang up and redial to avoid getting charged!!!! CUNTS!

See also 'democracy', which only occurs if the candidates for election are drawn randomly from the population at large, but this inconvenient detail is breezily ignored.

I hate the cunts who bag up the dog shit and then leave the bag behind, sometimes carefully tied to a fence or bush. That's a degree of cuntiness that I can't fathom.

Letting your dog shit in a public place and not cleaning it up - automatic night in the cells. Happens again - dog destroyed and owner banned from ever owning one again. Fucking disgusting.

I entirely agree with that system of punishment. I live near a stately home that has opened up part of its estate for the public for years. Because of the dog shit problem they are actually considering closing it off. Taking the n kids down there is negotiationing a minefield. A fucking disgrace.

As a dog owner who has never, in over 20 years of having a dog, done this - I also concur. I got so sick once of a particular owner I used to regularly see do this, that, one day I picked up his dog's offering (in a bag) and followed him to his house. Leaving the bag behind his garden wall I returned the next day, when he was out, and deposited the offering (minus bag) through his letterbox. If he wants to act like a dirty cunt then I'm quite happy to behave like a cunt towards him..

Kudos, charaldan, kudos.

Charaldan. I have dogs too, and would happily rub the non-shitpickuppers noses in their hounds' cables. Peasants.

Or people saying - 'I heart this'

LOL

What about if I am fucking your wife?

I <3 this.

3 is greater then I.

This happened to me in Ikea last week. "Would you like a bag today?" [I think: "I'm hardly going to get shelving units in a fucking bag, am I?" I say: "Yes, thanks very much" then throw it away when I'm out of sight.] Also, why are there so many fucking shop assistants in Ikea? It's creepy and annoying.

True. But when they are pretty all is forgiven. Happens that way mainly in Waitrose.

Arghh like when you've handed over your credit card to buy something expensive and they say "that'll be just three nine nine ninety nine today". I'm tempted to ask "what day is it?" and when they say "wednesday" I reply "oh I thought it was yesterday. Sorry to waste your time" and walk out, stabbing a child on the way out.

@Shaun correct response: "No - you're not quite *that* ugly."

Also, why do all shops in train stations and airports ask if you want to buy a massive bar of chocolate when you get to the till?

WH Smiths are annoying with that. I thought the whole point of 'Upselling' (i.e. pestering the customer to buy more shit they don't want) was to suggest an item which complemented your purchase for a small additional cost, like 'fries' to go with your burger. So why, if I'm buying a 20p newspaper, would I suddenly decide I also needed a £1.50 slab of Galaxy? I'm tempted to try buying a book on tackling morbid obesity, just to see if they still try to offer me a kilo of Dairy Milk.

What's your strategy? Fuck off Noel, and take your fucking old hairstyle with you.

I work with a FAT FUCKING CUNT who's life ambition is to be on this show. Seriously. Although I recently did over this FAT FUCKING CUNT in the most glorious way.

'What's your strategy?' ' I want to win as much money as possible you beardy cunt '

If anybody ever said this in response to Noel, I would happily pay double my TV Licence fee.

Barbersmith, how did you do over said fat bastard? Also, special annoyance is reserved to people who bring a photo of their grandchildren, or a mug that has sentimental value. NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOU, YOU SELF INDULGENT CUNT.

It's a reasonably long tale, would you like to hear it? Warning - may contain the phrase FAT FUCKING CUNT.

That's a no-brainer then - let's have it, Barbie.

*sits on a stool like Dave Allen used to. Except with more fingers. And not being Irish. And doing terrible sketch shows.

ested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan.

I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. I'm not interested in your baby scan. Honestly.

I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan. I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan. I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan. I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan. I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan. I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan. I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan. I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan.

I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan. I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan. I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan. I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan. I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan. I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan. I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan. I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan. I REALLY couldn't give a fuck about your baby scan.

As soon as you give birth stick your fucking baby up your fucking arse you boring cunt. As soon as you give birth stick your fucking baby up your fucking arse you boring cunt. As soon as you give birth stick your fucking baby up your fucking arse you boring cunt. As soon as you give birth stick your fucking baby up your fucking arse you boring cunt. As soon as you give birth stick your fucking baby up your fucking arse you boring cunt.

As soon as you give birth stick your fucking baby up your fucking arse you boring cunt. As soon as you give birth stick your fucking baby up your fucking arse you boring cunt. As soon as you give birth stick your fucking baby up your fucking arse you boring cunt. As soon as you give birth stick your fucking baby up your fucking arse you boring cunt. As soon as you give birth stick your fucking baby up your fucking arse you boring cunt.

Impotence does terrible things to a man.

...so the umbilical cord loops from one hole to the other like a huge, purple, dripping sleeper earring....so the umbilical cord loops from one hole to the other like a huge, purple, dripping sleeper earring....so the umbilical cord loops from one hole to the other like a huge, purple, dripping sleeper earring....so the umbilical cord loops from one hole to the other like a huge, purple, dripping sleeper earring.

Here, Routy. Have a look at my baby scan.

Better still, here's pictures of roadkill

Stav just showed Routy a pic of himself taken last week

He's just pissed off he never got an invite to the afterbirth-eating party.

charladan -

to Barbiefor never

Being able to spell my name correctly!

See also: Pirates.

They shouldn't run. Zombies that is. I couldn't give a fuck about pirates.

Thumbs up for the blank-eyed ghoul reference.

I cannot bear that woman. She has done more harm than good. My cat knows more about retail than that scrawny cretin.

Yes. The Russians could say it (but don't).

So it's their fault the country's fucked then. I wish Hitler had won.

Fair point. Once you'd got past that whole holocaust business, Nazi Britain would probably have been quite a nice place to live.

Hang on routine old chap, if Hitler had won then your granddad would have ended up in an oven and you wouldn't exist.

Oh yeah. Scratch that then.

He didn't recognise me the other day :( Poor old fucker. When I said I was going back to work he asked where I work. When I told him he said "My Grandson works there! He's a grand lad. Give him my regards." I cried a bit in the car :(

I would though, my grandma was half-German, and looking at my childhood photos I was like a poster boy for the Nazi youth.

At least he didn't say "my grandson works there, he's a right little cunt". It's shit when it happens, but believe me it's ten times worse when the person is/was a spiteful fucker to begin with.

Get back at them by waiting 2 years before replying

If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking Arabic by now.

Or rather, you'd all be using MI5 corporate jargon, eh?

Are you suggesting that Arabic isn't an actual language but just a selection of civil service buzzwords?

Proper languages use letters, not fucking scribbles.

We use Arabic numerals because they made more sense than the Roman ones. Proper enough for you, you massive bummer?

Like you made the fucking decision.

If it wasn't for us, Americans would all be speaking Navajo... or something...

they only keep the fucker in the garden because they don't want to hear the barking in the house

I bet this post gets at least 6 downthumbs from the toxicara brigade

Sounds like a floor cleaner.

I have a dog and she is a guarding breed. A few years ago I arrived home to find two petrified people being kept pinned to the wall of my hallway by my snarling hound. They were burglars. In court it transpired that they had broken in and not even known there was a dog there until it was time to leave with all my gear. It was at this point she decided to dissuade them from this path. Now THAT'S a guard dog

It just says that they're a cunt - Sent from my Samsung N7100

I see it as the tech equivalent of Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on your door.

I got one from Richard Franklin.

Got one to work saying 'sent from my iPhone - cos that's how I roll'. To actually take the time to so firmly embellish your cunty credentials is just irksome

Most cyclists are utter bellends.

Like the UTTER CUNT who came bombing towards me at 200mph on a narrow pavement on my way home. When I called him a stupid bastard he gave me the American rude finger gesture.

There's a few of these cunts at work, all smug and wanking on about how it's cheap and keeps you fit. Fuck that, I don't fancy having tacking an extra two hours a day onto my commute, having to shower at work likea homeless and dress in a fluorescent onesie with a fuck load of LED lamp dangling off

me. Always enjoy driving past them and giving a friendly toot on the horn when I see them huffing and puffing up a massive hill in a downpour with a howling gale against them. Drive a car like a grown up you fucking losers.

And being on a bike doesn't mean you can skip lights and drive the wrong way up one-way streets YOU FUCKING BELLENDS.

Christ, yes. I hate the assertion that it's polite - It's like those shitty joyless bars that call themselves 'Fun Pubs'. Just because you call it that, doesn't mean it is. There's a sign down the road from me that says 'POLITE NOTICE: DO NOT PARK IN FRONT OF THESE GATES'. How is that polite? No 'Please', no 'Thank You', just an order not to park there. I'm tempted to post the owner a dog-turd labelled 'GREETINGS CARD'.

I always assumed it was a kind-of pun on "Police Notice". I have no evidence for this though.

Not so much a pun as a 'we hope you misread polite as police, and are intimidated thereby'

The chequerboard patterns help as well.

Thanks, I genuinely feel better now about this whole pissdribble-nosegay

Every single person in that advert is a cunt (for fuck's sake, somebody's just shown you a bottle of fabric softener, do you really have to react by screaming?) but she's like some sort of turbo-powered supercunt.

Nice, I haven't yet seen the advert but it's hateful power is diminished by the pre-warning.

The premise of that advert is that your sheets don't stink after a week on your bed and it's a miracle of material science on par with the creation of graphene. Everyone on the ad, as well as everyone involved in its construction, is a prick. Also, it's American, they didn't even bother to re-film it with European cunts.

On a related note, did you see that ad a while ago, where they'd spray what looked like a crack den with air-freshener then get blindfolded actors to sniff it and say how clean it smelt? As if the ropey dubbing from US to English wasn't insulting enough, they then ran a 2nd campaign saying "We crossed the Channel to test the power of our product" and used the advert they'd made for the Spanish-speaking Latin-American market! Crossed the Channel? What, then kept going until you found America

The Microsoft Project

Also 'The xxxxxxxx Company', 'xxxxxxxxx' being the line of work they're in.

That's the point though surely? There's an implied underlying irony?

Olympic swimming pools is the worst. Nobody can relate to that except for a couple of weeks every 4 years.

London buses are a standard unti of measurement.

Unit, fuck fuck fuck.

Football pitches

Wales.

Gazza's ace! Let's buy the man a drink!

I do find it quite sad. He was a prodigiously talented footballer, now look at the state of him. He was always a twat, but even so...

Fuck him. There are many, many people who deserve your thoughts before that cunt.

I might buy him some fried chicken

He makes his own decisions. Obviously stopping drinking is not important enough to him yet. The problem is that, probably, by the time it is, stopping will no longer make a difference.

This cracks me up. I don't know of any link between Gazza and Imogen Thomas but that makes it even funnier.

Imagine what someone in the Army thinks of these urban "gangsta" fairies.

I thought this was just something you did after stealing the unpopular kids shoes?

I thought you stood underneath them and someone would come to sell you drugs.

Or odor-eaters

Yoda is actually quite good but I agree with your comment.

I don't. It not just putting records on.

SLVA, I am afraid you are wrong. It IS just putting records on, though to be fair they have to do "beat-matching" which takes a couple of hours to learn.

Websites are shite these days, if the header follows you down the page that's bad enough, but when some pointless bit of navigation not only follows you up and down, but bobs about while it does so as well, that can fuck right off.

also, get adblock.

"Let's a draw a line under my embezzlement of 200k in public funds and move on."

a head of department can hire staff as needed, an accountant can do the wages, everyone knows as much as they need about employment law.

HR are so fucking useless that i may try to get in HR, what do i have to do to make that happen, put some glitter on my CV or something

Drawing little circles instead of dots over your 'i's along with a BTEC in Business Studies from Kettering College of FE should do it.

Employment law is a fucking minefield these days. You can't fuck lazy dickheads off any more without getting sued to the point of bankruptcy, even if their crushing ineptitude is propelling you there anyway.

(nods at Routine's comment) Ain't that the truth..

This has been a party political broadcast on behalf of the cuntservative party.

I've got a Spiderman one. I look majestic in it.

He does, I have seen the evidence.

Like a ickle money spider

I do look amazing, honest Shaun can testify to that.

How much was it?

Not sure Lucy bought it for me.

Stavros McGinty appearing at a Fathers for Justice campaign near you soon

Do they do it in big sizes?

Oh yeah, get down Primark, there's a Batman one as well not as cool as Spidey though

How the fuck would you know? I can guarantee yours was from the kids section! :)

:-) I'll chip them over and you volley them in...

Ha!

Anus in constant use

I never understood those signs that say 'This Gate Must be Kept Shut at All Times'. Why not just put a fence there?

pfft.

Also people with empty child seats in the back of their fucking Citroen Picasso that still believe they have the right to park in the parent and child bit. "Well, I've *got* children. The fact I don't have them here with me is neither here nor STOP HITTING ME WITH THAT HAMMER"

But people with disabled badges who believe they have inalienable right to park in parent/child even if they have no children and there are free disabled spaces are just as bad. This happens a lot where I shop because the parent/child spaces are marginally closer to the store entrance. Just don't like the 'I'm a mong with a blue badge and therefore I can do what the fuck I like' attitude.

I park where I fucking please. Disableds shouldn't be driving anyway. They're a hazard to themselves and to normal people.

In a civilized society, we need designated disabled parking spaces. In a logical society, people should not qualify for a disabled parking badge because of obesity - I reckon that extra stroll will do them the world of good.

If we sterilised defective adults, and terminated defective babies in the womb, in two or three generations there wouldn't be any so no more 'Paralympics', no 200m long ramps outside every fucking Tesco Express and no reservation of prime parking spaces outside supermarkets. We'd still have the old footage to look back at if we fancied a good laugh. It would be win/win. \o/ \\o o//

Hitler < routine

Then we could concentrate on Jews and Gypsies! \\o o// \o/

Oh yes, yes, the gypsies yes.

So we should dawdle in the middle lane instead. Message understood

No, you should grow some fucking balls and belt it down the outside lane like the other people who are bound to succeed at life. Stick in the left two lanes with your miserable Hyundai Getz.

I've got a Volvo and I want a sticker saying YES MY HEAD IS UP MY ARSE on it. Ideally it would say that backwards on the front too for people in front. I like the parallax effect passing trees so I tend not to watch the road but that's less snappy as a phrase.

Thumbed down by...you know who.

Your mum?

I very much doubt it.

In the words of my ex; 'It's natural!' So's shitting where I stand but I don't do it, you saggy arsed embarrassment.

It's not natural to get sucked off by Freddie Mercury but that's what it feels like. Get it shaved or fucking join Queen.

If you're insinuating it was me who thumbed you down then you're wrong. I've long since stopped giving enough of a shit about anything you say to bother.

As demonstrated by your response. 2010.

* handbag *

Oh come on, it was an open goal.

Chrome can fuck off on this too. How often do I have to tell you I don't want a fucking page translated!

When I worked for a food retailer at a busy station I would regularly trundle rollcages from one end of the carpark to the other. They were 7 foot high, noisy and impossible to not see/hear and steer in anything above a breeze. And people would..

...regularly flash a filthy look if you had the audacity to say "Excuse me!!" as they stood, oblivious in your path talking into their mobiles.

A chap I know puts his name at the end, and mine at the beginning. Mind you, he also thinks that Bruno was much funnier than Borat.

I wholeheartedly agree !!! that and ridiculous fucking emoticons!!! Cx ;-D

How about the overuse of exclamation marks?

Abso-fucking-lutely!!!!! Cx -{:-(

Teehee!

This wasn't 'Londen 2102' with an address in Nigeria, was it?

Luvverly!

I checked, it was *actual* London 2012....am guessing it was the day they had David Beckham in

Life itimating art. Cilck here —> http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00fj2r2

good god yes. Also when someone goes missing.

Umm.. isn't that something horrible? Well, maybe not in some cases..

Facebook is for cunts.

Interesting new direction there Barbers.

...Ain't happy at all, for two good reasons. Firstly, I'm now going to have to find all the stuff I want which is going to add up to 20 mins onto the time I have to spend amongst the general public and secondly, the general public haven't got a fucking clue what's going on either so I have to negotiate their befuddled geriatric trolley antics on top. I like old people and all that but some fucking dithering old cunt with a pair of bollocks hanging off her chin looking at me, bewildered....

Yeah. They do that so you buy more. You go to the bread, and see crisps so you buy those as well. Works on the general public like a charm.

I end up buying and eating loads of dogfood until they change it all back to bread again

..through her cataracts while she has her trolley sideways in the wine section isn't filling me with pre-weekend stomach-butterflies. Neither is some other half-dead knacker moaning about chanterelle mushrooms being where the tripe should be while I'm trying to score some bacon ribs. If I wanted to walk amongst the undead I'd fucking get a job in a bingo hall, again, but I don't. I just want my fucking wine section back where it was thankyou.

Analmeister, I understand why they do this. I'm not completely stupid, but it doesn't make them less pissy for doing so and thinks for fucking my rant up. You too KJP, you fucking bastard.

"thanks", not "thinks". Fucking hell. In fact fuck it. Fuck off.

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Was it 'fuck off' you were trying to say?

You seem angry. </Troi>

Have you ever discussed your anger issues with anybody? (snigger)

ha ha you two are priceless ha ha ha

And when you're buying two to three packages of something each week for MONTHS (or years) and all of a sudden they don't stock it anymore! Of course, why carry/manufacture something people actually FUCKING BUY?! and i see the unpopular flavor/variety of that thing with always 12 on the shelf which just keep F'ing stiitng there!

Always look for the "Print Version" button.

*next*

If anyone has Wilko's address please PM me. I want to write to him. I'm gutted :(

He is a legend.

Did you catch this? Fucking brilliant. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01q03qs

He's doing a tour in March, only a few dates, might see him in Bilston.

or I would if it wasn't sold out. Fucking Rats Cocks.

Apparently these people live in a traditional English folk song. "Oh, where have you been?" "Oh, I just popped into town" "Oh, did you get anything good?" "Oh, just some stuff for tea later. Oh, some frozen chips and those southern style chicken breast things they've got on offer in Iceland" "Oh, don't forget we've still got some of yesterday's casserole" etc

Cos they keep going out and the daft cunts don't realise for ages

I smoked those fuckers for 4 years under this misapprehension... then discovered they're something like 4x as carcinogenic as tailor-mades

Oh my yes, this winds me right the fuck up. Weasel bastards.

Nando's is the post-millennial Berni Inn. Don't get mad at these people for they know not what they do. It's sufficient merely to judge them (qv) for the paucity of their urbanity.

Nando's: Portugese themed Wetherspoons.

The blacks seem to like it. I asked a black girl where she'd like to eat on our first date and she said Nando's. Must have worked it's magic as I ended up fingering her, but she came on whilst I was doing it and like a concerned gentleman I felt compelled to tell her. She didn't seen to care, just excused herself and but would only let me suck her tits when she'd mopped up. She was perfect in every way.

Lee, have you considered sending that tale to take a break? It's got be worth fifty quid.

Cash in on my only regret? Never! She had really bad excma on her arms and legs but was perfect in every other way, the skin on her face was the same as the inside of an expensive Easter egg. And she had a massive flat screen TV at her nice house (which she owned) that she used to play video games on. Best tits ever.

Also right, their leaflets all show pictures of the meals with little pots of dip. But on the other side it says 'Dip not included in price'. Cheats.

Christ, what a dismal show. I remember seeing it in the 1980s. The only thing that ever seemed to get a laugh from the audience was when the Photo Board round had a picture of someone upside down, and Emlyn Hughes would stand up and bend his head around to look at the screen. What a cunt.

Oh, and that fucking Mystery Guest round. They'd go to such pains to hide their face, lots of close-ups of sideburns and furrowed brows. And then it'd turn out to be the goalie for Stenhousemuir, and all the players would go "Aaaahhhh!", even though not a single person in the country would recognise him, including his own mother, if they'd just shown a 60-second clip of him staring into camera wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with 'I'm the Goalie for Stenhousemuir'.

A Question of Sport? A Pile of Shit, more like.

Cunts.

Comment thumbs for costas, excellent little outburst.

this whole rant is mega. I, too, was forced to sit through this wank as a youngster.

This is on the list of Things I Am Not Allowed To Dislike In The Presence Of My Parents along with lamentable shitcom My Family, Mrs Brown's Boys and carrots.

You fucking cunt.

Had a similar experience buying a greeting card. Did I want to buy a pen and support breast cancer charities? No thank you. Unfortunately, no time to explain I needed the change for parking, so got looked at is if I'd just said: "As a matter of fact, I think it would be really great if ALL women would die of breast cancer!"

I hope all their tits rot off

Yeah, needy bitches.

Two thumbs-down from the "I love kids" brigade".

Going free, half set of speech marks. Apply above.

Are you thinking of anyone in particular here Babs??

BTW I thought the Christmas Snowmen episode was excellent - the best I have seen for a while. It bodes well for JL Coleman as the new assistant sassy and hot!

The quotes around "fans" should be reserved for those renegades who recognise the remake. We true fans are far too busy sneering at turncoat "fans" to have any sneer left for Joe Plasma.

Dr Who is for paedos

New Who almost certainly is, I agree

I'm not saying that everyone who likes New Who is a peeeedo, but then again, I am

dan... you left of "a massive paedo myself" at the end of your comment. Actually, after I'd posted this I was a little bothered that you may have thought I was aiming this at you, which I wasn't. Maybe at some of the company you keep... You're not really the sneering type. Before this gets too gay, I'd better call you a cunt.

You're a massive cunt dan.

And charladan - nice to see someone sensible around here. I quite agree.

And routine -, oh, well, you know what I'm going to say.

Your initial premise is mistaken though Babs. You're claiming that we sneer at the public, yet are uncool ourselves. But we aren't sneering at them for being uncool, it's for having shit taste.

Listen mate, we'll have to agree to differ on this one. I was very disappointed on rejoining the Zone, to find that it's even more cunty than when I left it. That's just my opinion of course.

Oh, and everyone on the Leisure Hive is a cocksucker.

What were you called on the Hive, Babs?

"Ihateallyoucuntsandloveth​enewseries​" if I remember dan.

Joking aside (!!!!!!!!) I can't remember. I didn't stay long, I left after being lectured about how Terry Nation was a far better writer than I had just had the temerity to suggest.

You weren't the bloke who got all upset because he thought we were accusing him of slapping his daughter around, then?

Ha! That would have made me hang around a bit longer.

This really fucked me off. You would only need to watch one scene with the two of them in to know that it's never going to be any kind of will-they-won't-they bullshit. The worst thing is it was probably written by some asymetrically haircutted, 25 year old hipscunt (it was that kind of mag) who has never watched AP but feels they need to venerate it because other people like it.

Or it might have been written by a 50 year-very-old hippiecunt who wrote the review with a big dollop of Moonlighting-referencing irony? Hard for me to judge though without seeing the context.

http://www.theskinny.co.uk/film/film_blog/303787-2013s_coming_attractions About 3/4rs of the way down.

Meh. Juxtaposed with the Rourke and Travolta references, It just reads like a mildly amusing comment on Hollywood cliché. You should try to relax more . Chant 'nam myoho renge kyo' for a few minutes in your lunch break — or just drink a bit less coffee?

What! You're telling ME to calm d- *rage stroke*

They're not reviews as such either - just heads up on what films are expected to be out later this year. The Partridge movie hasn't even started shooting yet so I'm not sure what anyone could meaningfully write about it at this stage. It's highly unlikely that it will be ready for release in August though.

I did say it was a preview. Jesus, first the Hillsborough list, now this...

My theory is that every single person who works for the trains in any capacity is an utter cunt who deserves nothing but misery and despair in their lives. Especially the Revenue Protection Staff at Birmingham New Street, who are actively devaluing human existence just by being alive.

Would that I could thumb this up a thousand times. This happened to me the other day, my blood turned to fucking lava

Maybe it's because they've been stood there for ages, waiting for a driver even notice them to let them cross, and feeling THEIR blood turn to lava, before someone finally stops for them. By then, you're all amorphous car scum, I'm afraid.

We pay something called Road Tax, Lockers, so we have a right to fucking ignore you. Walk the 10 steps to the zebra crossing, you lazy arse!

Yeah, fuck off lockwood you abhorrent, disease-riddled cuntwhore. Wait until you can actually drive, put up with this behaviour a couple of times and then get back to us. In the meantime please go and get your face fucked by someone with Mercury poisoning. Freddie Mercury poisoning. Love you xx

Hate you actually but whevs.

Awwww....you're adorable when you're working out your mummy issues! Hey, you know what I'm going to miss about you when you finally succumb to your rage-fuelled fatal stroke? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING.

This is like You've Got Mail but more romantic awwwww

As a career pedestrian, my disgust is from the exact opposite. Unless it's a crossing, I don't *want* you to stop and let me cross. It just makes it confusing because I don't know whether you're slowing for a moment or stopping, and then you make an irritated face about 'bloody pedestrians' when neither of us wanted this situation in the first place. I can just wait for a gap in the traffic. In all other situations I normally give a thumbs up.

What Thomas said. I often lie down on the pavement and pretend to be dead, waiting for the traffic to ease up a bit.

I do agree. Never heard of Topher. It sounds too much like other things...

Only instance I've heard it was here http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0333410/ I blame him for Spiderman 3 being shit, just on the strength of his wanky name.

Awww, I like that phrase. It's a straightforward, no-nonsense debrief. And for that reason, regrettably, I'm thumbing this down.

Nah, just bellow "End!" in people's faces.

I fired someone once with one of those foldy paper 'pick a colour, pick a number' things that I'd made especially. Sounds callous but he deserved it. Lying, stealing, lazy drip of a man and he trod dog shit in on his first day.

What are those things called? I have failed to find anyone who knows what they're named, not even local slang.

They don't have a name. They don't even officially exist. Let's just change the subject and pretend none of this never happened ok? *walks off whistling

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paper_fortune_teller

Catchy, right?

Also "'nuff said"

"But cunts like you are going to bankrupt the Company and put everyone out of work." "I know. Mad isn't it?! Luckily for me if someone else buys the place and reopens in the same sector they have to take me on or I'll sue them too!" "But who's going to buy the place under those circumstances?" "Noone!! You're fucked from every angle buddy."

Him from Herman's Hermits?

Herman's HR shouldn't have taken him on in the first place

*collapses in hysterics at dan's and Babs' collective comedy genius. It's just too much for a human brain to take.

Take it like a bitch.

You're a bit snappy today. What's the........oh yeah, forgot - you're a penis.

Listo just seems like an odd place to do observational comedy aimed at an audience of fat, wicked capitalists in top hats

Yeah - especially this 'you're a piss-taking time waster' schtick. Surely that covers a fair few people here?

Get a load of Robert Tressell here

Take your Original Parables, Mrs Prosser, and post them over on the Telegraph online where they'll appreciate them

(*puts dress on) How about now?

I'm all for the working man. Shucks, I am one. The thing is, the crucial word in that label is 'working'. Lazy thieving cunts are easy to get and shouldn't be in the same bracket as someone hard-working and honest.

Yes, but your target was employment law (which protects the rights of 'hard-working and honest' people) as a whole. You should have proposed a way of sieving out the 'lazy thieving cunts'.

Semantics. I'll try harder in future. I inherited these twats incidentally and they're all now loooong gone. Cheaply too :)

I love the dismissive use of 'semantics' there. Basically a sophisticated way of saying 'No, your words mean what I say they mean.'

I want dan... to win this one.

Back to the original missive...so what you're saying that you're having problems with a TUPE-aware party?

Still with the semantics! Why don't you shove it up where you wish your fanny was dan? And then fuck off?

*waves handbag

From Post-Its in the office to Hobnobs at home, this is the story of my bloody life. Once, in a moment of passion crazed desperation, I jumped on a box of condoms to open it.

Biscuits are easy - just carefully slip a bread knife between two of the biscuits. Sorted

D5's easy solution probably only adds to the gear grinding right?

Or you can do it the hard way by chopping at the packet, gambling that the blade will pass between two biscuits. The real angry biscuiteer might like to throw the packet into the air while doing this.

And use a samurai sword.

Thumbs to Danx5 for inventing the word "Biscuiteer"

That's the problem, see; If you use a knife with a sandwich-based biscuit, like your Custard Cream or your Bourbon, you run the risk of putting the blade through the middle of a biscuit. And that's one of the worst things ever. Seriously. Worse than AIDS.

At least they provide amusement when they get the usage completely wrong, which they usually do.

I find them egregious.

My entire daily exercise routine now consists of lunging for the remote whenever those piss-awful ads come on.

I quite fancy the bird on the 'isa isa baby' one mind. :(

The blonde one who looks like Zoe Ball? Hell yes.

Or "Please place item in the bagging area". I have, you condescending bastard.

grrrrrr, yes!

Also, mouth breathers that stare blankly at the screen or look around them, clutching their Pot Noodle as the machine repeats "Please place item..." over and over again. Who do you think it's talking to you bell end? Me? No. Get the fuck on with it.

"Unexpected item in bagging area". These machines spend their lives in a constant state of surprise.

I'd rather use the machines that the barely-sentient golems that they employ.

Best British Band 3 years fucking running? Seriously? COLDPLAY are the best we've fucking got?!?

Totally agree with Routy. First album great, the rest shit. Even Blur managed 2 decent albums before they went shit.

A-fucking-men! Also, if you ever have difficulty sleeping, go to YouTube and type in "Chris Martin interview" and click any link. More powerful than Horlicks and Nytol combined.

Yeah, they were much better when they were just Radiohead rip-offs

I liked the one where they were all cunts and there was almost a chorus.

'A Rush Of Blood To The Head' is the best album ever made according to Radio 2 listeners this week, with Keane's 'Hopes And Fears' number 2 and Duran Duran - 'Rio' at number 3. Dark Side Of The Moon is number 4, with Dido - 'No Angel' at 5. James Blunt number 15, Kylie Minogue 25. This is a demographic nightmare for me. Until this week I firmly placed myself in the 'typical Radio 2' camp but I realise now that I'd be much more suited to.......

........ Radio Smash Those Surrounding You Into Bits With A Titananium Mace.

What are you like when you're sober?

Grumpy but thoughtful.

Oh. I was about to praise your consistency. If it's any consolation, I'm an obnoxious twat when I drink too.

Oh dear - what did you do? the remorse in that post won't save you now ;)

Me? How long have you got?

We are spending most of our time thinking up semi-humorous list entries. How long d'you THINK we've got?

Or even worse- if you're following a link, it'll take you to the mobile home page. Fuck you, Chortle.

I have this in mind for the lyrics of a song along the lines of "Little Boxes" by Pete Seeger. Ithink it will work well

Have a thumb

As someone who once had to carry two guitars on the Victoria line at 5.30pm every week, I will add that I was not the biggest cunt on the train. That would be the girl who would get on with a double bass.

Rucksacks on crowded trains with the owner dumbly oblivious that his twatting snailpack is ensuring that 8 would-be passengers are kept on the platform to catch the next train.

Axeman, how come you 'had' to carry the guitars on the tube.Was it some sort of court order?

I don't remember Pudsey shitting in anyone's slippers?? That would have been worth a £1.50 phone vote especially if they were Cowells

I'm glad a dog won if only because I like dogs more than I like most humans. The entire program is shite, mind.

Most if not all lifeforms are better than humans.

I am sure that the dancing dog was better than the karaoke shite the other contenders doubtles spewed forth.

Doubtless.

You could get a decent pair of leather boots and not dress like a child? ;)

Fuck off with your 50 shades of grey clothing x

What I do under the privacy of my own mac on the Underground in rush hour is my business.

I have visions of you trundling along like a little angry Paddington Bear

Ha! Some children shouted that at me the other year. Although they may have also included the word "cunt".

for charaldan!

This stuff makes me really mad... http://bit.ly/V9JcV8 It's MAN Summers! Versace show sends male models down the catwalk in lace-trimmed fancy pants, sheer  ... #MailOnline

I've blocked the mail website on my PCM, so I can't inadvertently give them my traffic, cunts

Pc, even

I did wonder, I had a sudden vision of you tapping away on a Psion 3.

Not even a Psion 3a, just the 3.

Micto, that is an asoundingly good idea, why didn't I think of that?

Absolutely yes. It's got to the point where I check it three times before going downstairs for a cup of tea. I hate running up the stairs at 5.48am to turn the fucking thing off AGAIN

Yes - the biggest button in the middle of the phone activates snooze. You need to do a relatively awkward top-right button press for stop. Twat.

Not as bad as hitting 'off' instead of snooze and then finally waking up at quarter to nine.

Agreed, Sylvia

I have never intentionally used a snooze button in my life. I set the alarm for the time I actually want to get up at, like a sensible person.

Sleep is for tortoises.

I'm expressing to my full capabililities, now I'm livin with autocorrectional facilities. *shoots own leg*

"We wanna fuck you Eazy! Hang on, we've just seen the results of your blood test."

S'why I always carry a flashbang in my bag

Not for any sexytime, just to look, coo and sigh at.

I think your wife would have something to say about this mate.

She's my freebie. If Mila ever comes knocking, the Mrs slva has agreed to bugger off out for the day.

"Kunis" must be the word for "Cunt" in some language

Just tried to thumb this, forgetting I had done so before. Now I think on, it might be my second attempt at re-thumb. I do like Mila. Though I could do without the hello kitty pantaloonage. Not that she couldn't have keks on, just not a kids thing. Maybe something themed round pension deficits or somesuch. Would make no odds to me, I'd still crawl over broken glass just to put wee matchsticks in her shite.

The door close button is also known as a placebo button and actually serves no purpose whatsoever.

See also: buttons for opening/closing doors on Underground trains. Doubly annoying if some smart arse leans past you to press it, by coincidence, at the exact time the doors actually open. The smug look on their fucking faces makes me want to kill again.

It's the waiting for nuclear war that I can't stand

We waited for it all through the 80s. Nothing happened though

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rungrado_May_Day_Stadium

You fucking cunt Barbie - I just sat in a discarded kebab was all

This reminds me of a funny thing that happened

Did he really say those things?

He was on 'Breakfast' last week and yes, he pretty much did. He's a dick.

Granted - towards the end, most of their outlets were as pointless as Woolworths used to be, stocking little other than reliably high-turnover kiddie-pop chart music. But the flagship store in Oxford Street was a last bastion where lo-tech fogeys like myself could while away some time browsing actual CDs in reasonably well-stocked specialist sections. If that's going to shut, I for one will be down there in a flash to spend several hundred quid in their closing down sale.

I may go there today. See you there exxon. And I agree with Silvia, their pricing was erratic and shit.

You can still get CDs off of Amazon.

Well, _someone_ will get them, usually the courier

dan... is scared of modern things.

Dan... is scared of ordering £250 worth of clothing, paying £8 for Next Day Delivery, waiting in all day Saturday at a cost in his time of £160, then spending the next 9 days phoning up the supplier to find out wtf's happened and being given a variety of excuses until they finally have to admit that 'Greek Version of Mercury Couriers' have stolen the parcel, and they reluctantly refund the money. But not the £160 to cover Dan's time. Do you feel better informed now?

Incidentally, I walked past HMV today and I was amazed to find it was open, with 25% off almost everything. Sadly, neither TMBG or Stewart Lee had put out any new material since my last visit, so I had to leave empty-handed

Well, they stopped putting out new material in 1989.

I think there's a lesson for you to learn here.

What, that Doctor Who is for gays?

I miss routine, but there's no denying that this place has become immeasurably more pleasant since that fucking cunt Barbersmith left.

Let's not get our hopes up, Shaun...it's early days. He could still come back and stink the place up again.

What a witty pair you are.

We weren't trying to be funny, we were genuinely pleased that you'd fucked off. It was a rare bit of Listopian sincerity.

There is an overall not niceness going on, on here lately and I, for one, don't like it.. Can we get back to making each other laugh, please?

Anyone need tickling?

Ta Stav.

I refuse to believe that Babs thought I was being serious there. But in the interests of peace, harmony and vigorous bottom sex, I retract my comment and offer my semi-erect penis for you to do with as you will.

Hmmm. *considers.

Don't take too long. It's gone a bit flaccid now, I'm trying to tease it back into something resembling a lightly grilled chipolata as we speak.

Lightly grilled eh? *fiddles with belt buckle.

Oh, and lockwood - 2010.

2010.

Don't knock it until you've tried it. It actually makes a damn fine espressos from an instant. Complete with decent crema. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Carte-Noire-Divine-Espresso-Coffee/dp/B003RRYAT0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1358171952&sr=8-1

Just no.

You see, someone has thumbed this down and now hazard is going to think it's me. Well it wasn't.

We need a word for that awkward situation.

"bumming a thumbing"

That Carte Noire business is a clever bit of branding. Realising they couldn't trademark the word espresso (like any other generic dictionary word) they bagged the popular misspelling for themselves. They could now sue anyone else who uses it for passing off, should they so wish. Thousands of grubby little semi-literate café owners: you have been warned!

See also "ex cetera".

Cret

A couple of years ago I received a letter from a debt collection agency which was printed in comic sans and arrived in a bright yellow envelope.

"Wonders of the Solar System" had loads of that shit too. You're right it's cunt.

You have absolutely no idea just how much this post has indirectly helped me.

You want to make sure Vsync is turned on, jimlad. Often games leave it off as it means they achieve slightly higher frame rate at the expense of fucking up the display every so often

You can't do that on xbox though, only a very small amount of games give you the option. That's why I went and bought a super PC.

Friends of Chun-Li.

"one hit wonders" I call them.

Yoshimitsu's spinning thing was my one-hit wonder, but I'm a girl so we always play fighting games this way, and boys think it's adorable

If I have to use a controller with more buttons than the fucking space shuttle, you can g-ddam be sure that i'm gonna learn just one f-ing move so as to leave room in my brain for memorizing more important things kick/punch/block combinations in some stupid video game.

You could try learning how to block or throw escape. Imagine if people took this attitude with other games. "I can't believe you just snookered me again. That is TOTALLY unfair!" or "Stop just punching me in the face, show some variety!" "But you keep just standing still with your gloves at your waist, why wouldn't I hit you in the face?" "Because it makes me sad" Not going to win the olympics like that.

Managed to type 'wonder' though didn't you. Oops.

Fuck bollocks - and I checked it about 5 times too. It is tempermental rather than completely broken. If I hit it with force I can usually manage a d.

ickhead!

on't be rue.

Or even two octogenarians who then go on to win a Sony award for some reason.

I experienced Nick Grimshaw this morning.

The worst offenders aren't thick like they pretend, their motive for promoting dirge like "are we human or are we dancer?" is 100% evil.

No point arguing with the till robot though. Walk out and leave them to deal with the rest of your shopping

My wife once got asked for ID. She was 30 at the time!

But the point is, shops like to ask if you (and everyone in your party) is over 18. You're not allowed to buy for anyone who is under 18. If you are seen with a 15 year old girl who puts some Blue WKD in your trolley and you are a 6' 7" NO SALE.

^ skinhead / Even if you are 56 you're still buying for a minor. This is a real bug bear of mine. I'm one of my employer's licence holders tho, so it's kinda in my interest we stay kosher.

I bet you had to fetch a cloth after typing NO SALE

Would you want to defend yourself and your actions if you are witnessed selling alcohol to a minor? "I lost the organisation's licence to sell liquor" is hardly something for the CV or an entry for the "Reason for leaving" column of the application form.

The law is the law. 18, not 21, not 25.

But the point is, you could be buying for others under eighteen, which is illegal.

But I'm not. And you mustn't falsely suggest that I am.

Dan, buy me some booze and fags mate. For me Dad.

If someone is buying alcohol for a minor, it matters not what age they are. Asking for ID makes no difference and informs nobody about why they are buying it.

If the person selling the alcohol should have a reasonable suspicion it's going to minors, they're liable to a £1000 fine and the outlet loses its licence. The ID under 25 rule is daft, but that's why. A manager should fix it, as happened to me when IDd by a teenager when I was 30 and greying

Even if you were right, the point isn't someone's identity but their age

...off your bell-end, you're probably going to have your mind on other things. But in all other circumstances - get it right, eh?

Pedantry about spiders is for gays.

No. It's manly.

Being manly is for gays

spiders

yea!

i'm going to live in spider world soon

Is that dying tribe actually a tribe of massive spiders?

It's a theme park near Grantham.

Not kidding, this shit is right by where I'm going to be living http://news.discovery.com/earth/spiders-invade-india-2-dead-120605.htm

I shouldn't have said they're dying, that sounds BAD. More like their culture is under threat or whatever. Gayness.

Are the roads round there developed enough for stable Unicycle riding?

Only if you wear red trousers

Thanks for the article, glad to know that my brethren are doing their work well. Sadly, the picture was of a jumping spider, also known as a zebra spider, which are harmless and rather pretty. Unless you are a small fly.

They sound like Chris De Burgh. They need to change their name ......

They're utter fools and their debut was a crinkly turd.

Controversial! I think Sam's Town is their finest moment. They were very much a different band after the first album, though.

We've got to find those Killers.

Like Alanis Morissette will groan her syllables, a tidy cancer spore. "Yif you walk out on mir, yam walkin' back to you"

Are you a blind?

Hah! Apparently so... Or I just make my sarnies with my brain switched off...

She'd get it.

You are truly disturbed.

Not as disturbed as her pants would be etc.

Southend doesn't really have cliffs, just steep public gardens

...as if we were playing childhood abuse Top Trumps (from Waddingtons).

This conceit is also on the Comment is Free list

I had a feelinf I might have voiced it before. Thank you Engin.

feeling for fuck's sake. Engin.

The best thing is to play it as Top Trumps. "Well raped me when I was 10" etc.

@danx5 : Yes indeed. Comments sections are also rife with tossers who seem to think that other people can only be concerned about the issue on which they're commenting and NOTHING ELSE. e.g. In the comments under a story about HMV refusing vouchers, you'll find at least one twat snarling "Yeah, never mind all the employees losing their jobs and being forced to live on cold rice and mud, you lot are clearly more upset that you can't spend your £10 any more, that's OBVIOUSLY more important"

Yeah, that's funny costas.

'Engin'? You're losing your touch babs, that's almost affectionate

Jimmy Saville never bummed me at all. I'm feeling a bit left out and unwanted. Do you think I should seek out counselling?

dan... - I hoped you'd appreciate the reference. I was being nice. charaldan - seek out cretmeister. He'll sort you out.

You big gay

Le jambon jolie

Whiff de Cunt

Ingredients: Aqua.

Fragrance-o-somes. *still angry*

Tucker -

Always post responsibly.

"Do you want to drive? No? Shut the fuck up then" usually curbs that behaviour. Also tell her she could always get the bus.

"Drive? So I'd literally have to do everything then?!!?". I'm cornered at every turn. Now we have a nice new car and not a crappy old Kia Rio she's a bit more keen. Driving over a median strip at a corner was blamed on the car in front going too slow. It was about 30 metres away. The stalls led to "I think our car's faulty. We should take it back". Best clutch I ever had the pleasure to meet.

A bit of wife beating always addresses such imbalance in a relationship.

Or alternatively, send Cretmeister round.

I'm with Sylvia, knock her about a bit.

TEACH HER SOME RESPECT

It takes two people to have that kind of interaction. You must be encouraging her somehow.

Imagine her surprise when she notices a new button that's appeared on the dashboard, marked "Ejector Seat". And your finger hovering over it.

What happens on Wednesday?

On Wednesday she works from home. Sometimes I send her emails with links to definitions of the word 'hypocrite'. With distance and time between us.

Working from home = eating ice cream and flicking off.

Must get awfully messy.

Rap is stress-based, not rhyme or meter-based - like Old English alliterative verse.

Wikipedia says you're - on page one.

Wikipedia says you're GAY-on page one

Sick burn, Tucks

Shit

I knew that years ago before Wikipaedia was even thought of actually

AC-tually *glasses up the nose*

You do know that only the top edge is attached to the shelf? So that you can flip them over and read the price?

Btw if you get any downthumbs none of them were me

Not as bad as a label over the price which says 'This product is not in stock' when it clearly is.

Not where I go, they're not (Boots' lift up, but Tesco's are particularly stubborn) The bloody things are well fixed at the top and bottom, meaning you try to lift them up and eventually they snap off altogether. Which is when you often find out that there wasn't even a price tag underneath anyway :(

I normally knock these things off by mistake, usually when a store detective is around. Then I feel guilty and try to put them back on and it all goes downhill from there.

Because they're stretching it out into multiple films and need to distinguish between them

Because The Hobbit Part One sounds shit? Because "An Unexpected Journey" is the alternate title for the book? Need I go on? (No, but you do anyway, comes the reply).

No, but you do anyway.

I think he's asking to be kneed in the eye, possibly both,

Less anger, more hip would be good.

They could at least have done it as two films 'There' and 'And Back Again'. Incidentally, it's interesting that it takes them 64 days to get from the Shire to Rivendell on horseback by road, whereas in Lord of the Rings the same journey takes only 32 days on foot with numerous detours through forests, marshes and mountains.

I had the misfortune to once hear a colleague on the phone saying "Aitch tee tee pee colon.... oblique, oblique..." :|

Reminds me of the early days of the internet, when TV and radio presenters had to grapple with the concept of email addresses. "And you can also write to us on our new email address, which is very exciting! What you do is open up a new email and, in the 'To' box, type 'bob' and then a full-stop, and then 'oldbastard', and then you need one of those little symbols that's like an 'a' inside a circle, then it's 'tinpot', then a hyphen, then 'fm', then another full-stop, then..."

Patrick Moore used to spell out the 'co' in co.uk at the end of Sky At Night.

But could not Patrick Moore have been forgiven for most things?

Personally I liked the see-oh dot uk more people should do it.

Can we forgive Patrick Moore for his fervid xenophobia and sexism?

Yes but Germans don't count when it comes to xenophobia

He didn't like black people either

Black Germans were right out.

And apparently he stopped watching Doctor Who because it began to include 'female commanders'

On the other hand...well, if people are stupid enough to believe that they can sort their lives out by spending a fortune to hold a couple of empty baked bean tins attached to a Fisher Price Activity Centre, then, y'know, fuck em.

Are you saying that Peaches Geldof and Tom Cruise are stupid?

$cientologists aren't just harmless eccentrics though, they're cunts with a record of viciously persecuting their critics

They are Class-A Uber-Cunts of the highest order. To quote L Ron Hubbard himself: "I'm going to start a religion. That's where the money is."

"cunts with a record of viciously persecuting their critics". Yes. Like, y'know, other religions, past and present. So then it's hard to know whether it's better to ignore it or acknowledge/fight it...?

It's the way that they snare people, isolate them and then fleece them for everything. By the time they realise they've been fucked over its too late. They have nothing left other than the cult. Its absolutely horrendous.

Someone's got a case of the Thetans!

Yes, but these are the perfect ones to wind up. Pick something up right in front of them, pretend to put it in your pocket. Wander off, see how bad they are at "subtly" following you. Put it back on the shelf. Repeat ad infinitum.

Almost as much fun as asking how much things cost for different items in Poundland.

Why would you talk into your earpiece - sounds a bit counterproductive to me? I would always recommend talking into the microphone - it tends to get a better result - yes the earpiece is definitely for listening to things with.

I've never been to a wedding+funeral. Choosing the music must be a veritable minefield. A mix of each sort, or selecting songs that are equally valid for both? There might be a list in that... (there isn't).

The thought of it came to me while writing my rant. Imagine the delights of combining such events!

Didn't Jade Goody have a go?

Hah!

Who fucking likes it when this happens then?

The people who've just got a free drink?

and I don't have a loyalty card either because I've got as much loyalty to an oil company as I have to a murderous paedophile gang.

I'm confused - so you do have a card then?

I know I do!

Wait... oh shit, I must have dropped it in the woods that time.

Soak them in wee

Learn a proper instrument. Like the sackbut.

Haha. You can't lose with a instrument that contains two rude words.

what about the BumFiddle

If you're offering, but I doubt you're local and so I'll want 45p per mile in expenses.

This almost always happens within clear line of sight of a bloody great clock.

I've never splashed my trousers through urinal usage, even when quite drunk. Either you're pissing wrong or you have such a powerful stream that it can't be contained with conventional ceramics.

Nah - i have an enlarged prostate so it can't be my flow rate. I don't drink because I'm a recovered alcoholic so am never pissed. I must be therefore doing it wrong - must look out for lessons.

I agree on splashback. Most noticable with grey suit trousers. Are you quite tall - could be the height from which one is pissing?

Is 6' quite tall ?? nowadays it seems about normal - apart from Stavros of course

Are you standing with your balls in it or something. Take a few steps back and piss from across the other side of the room, it completely removes any splashback potential

Yes, though I think sometimes they have different duties and if they all do one particular job (e.g. making the overpriced piping hot caffeine) it buggers the chain up.

That's the problem though. They'll just watch as some poor fucker is running around like a blue-arsed fly. But they won't think to help because their job is to serve the cake that literally not one person has ordered in the last 15 minutes.

I was at a box office the other day and there was a queue out the door for people collecting tickets. There was one person doing collections and there were two people there to sell 'on the day' tickets even though it was clear there definitely wasn't going to be a massive last minute rush.

In my experience though, if you do anything that deviates from what you've been briefed to do, you get bollocked. Even if it's "putting the customer first" as so many places are keen to stress is The Most Important Thing In The Fucking Worldâ„¢

I did stand up to a manager, who, like the professional that she is, bollocked me in full earshot and sight of customers and colleagues, for leaving a half-built display unmanned. When I said "But I was taking a customer to a product, like we've been told to do" she literally had nothing to say.

Nando's (been once) - I'll just get my own cutlery while you lot stand around shooting the breeze about the X Factor then shall I? Ok then. Will I be back? No.

I fell over in Nandos. On the stairs. Broke my arsecheek. Hurt like fuck.

It was fucking funny though. You get a blue bum. It was like Cretty had been let loose on you for an hour or two.

Ditto rank body odour. In fact, more so rank body odour. Much more so. The pool is for communal exercise and recreation, not your annual fucking wash!

I read that as "your anal fucking wash"

wank at, not rummage through

Dan, why do you have 3 FB accounts?

He has 5 one for each Dan

Facebook is for twelve-year old girls. And cunts. And twelve-year old cunts.

How do you know that Stavvers?

Chinese bastards,

He looks like a colossal bell-end.

It's Grimshaw isn't it - I've posted a few times on what a colossal bell - end he indeed is.

Now that is a head crying out for attention from a baseball bat.

... others, in order to avoid their shit being installed on your machine.

See also "Do you not not not not not not not not want to receive marketing messages from us?" checkboxes which also operate in a similar deliberately obfuscating manner.

And that fucking antivirus shit that installs itself with Acrobat Reader because the tick box is hidden waaaaaaay over on the right of the screen. Bastard tick box.

Norton - the software equivalent of ivy - invading your machine and inserting its insidious tentacles everywhere.

^^ Also iTunes and Quicktime. Includes services that you can't stop without going into msconfig and forcing it from there

Fucking hell, getting rid of Norton or McAfee is a fucking nightmare innit. They regenerate on reboot unless you scrape every last remnant from the registry. It's like the end of the first Terminator film. Personally I don't think you've got a prayer unless you use a powerful 3rd party uninstaller. AND I'm fucking sick to death of Adobe updates every ten minutes. Is it Facebook games that are causing this?

The good news is I'm currently simmering a full rack of bacon ribs in lots of thyme, sage, pepper, chillis and stock. In about one hour's time I will be sat here naked with an erection eating them with my hands. Think about that for a few minutes.

Now I'm hungry for naked boner ribs

BONERPIG

ribs: for her pleasure

True, but there's also the reverse where people think someone is posh just for having certain standards and a bit of good taste.

Yeah, that's true. I suppose things like grace and decorum are sneered upon by Jeremy Kyle guest style people and written off as 'posh'. I was thinking of those people who think 'posh' isn't about certain standards or good taste, but simply how much something costs and measuring yourself against how many other people can't afford to buy it.

Benders.

I can't imagine anyone actually trying to be posh. I wasn't aware it had any non-insulting uses.

You don't have to try and be posh. Its effortless. You pleb.

Haw haw, you tell those oiks what's what! *throws empty champagne bottle at dandandandandan*

*steps up to get shouted at* I come from a very wealthy background, I went to public school, I have a degree I didn't accrue any debt to achieve, I quite commonly wear scarves indoors/when it isn't cold, I have a received pronunciation accent (huge vowels and clipped/absent consonants). Net result: I get called a poshtwat, wanker, rich kid and any number of far more colourful perjoratives. I'd no choice (apart from the scarf) about any of it.

I was born into a family with money (I've never asked for a penny of it, and never would). I was sent away to public school because I'm dyslexic and the state system at the time could not help me. I have a degree because my Papa wouldn't hear against it, nor would he let me take loans to pay for it (it wasn't the done thing to let one's only daughter go to usurers!) I've no excuses for the scarf thing, and the RP accent is a direct result of my schooling,

Something I could no more unlearn than a Thames Estury Drawl, or the West Country Burr I had when I first attended school. My point, which we arrive at as indirectly as always is that the trappings of "poshness" do not always equal poshness - I now very much enjoy a line of work that doesn't require degree or even A-level standard qualifications, I make minimum wage and I work hard. There are "shades" of poshness and not all of them make you a bad person.

If your point needs three fucking chatboxes to make it, it's probably not worth making. You could have gone with 'I'm posh, but not a twat'. Routine would've responded with 'Yes you fucking are, you cunt', and that would be that.

Posh totty pip pip ding dong

Madbloke, you punacious sott, just because I elect to follow the path to enlightened verbosity rather than follow you down the (far better trod) motorway of impatient ill humoured "banter" does not mean my point is invalid. Had I done as you had suggested my very brief straw man would have been amply defenestrated by Routine, as you say, end of. This way perhaps some debate will be engaged.

*pugnacious

Why would I react like that? I've got some friends who are toe-curlingly posh and privileged and most of them are a fucking good laugh, if not a little reluctant to get the drinks in. I got thrown out onto the pavement one morning a few years ago by Tessa Jowell, having spent the previous evening in the company of one of her step-daughters and helping her to flatten a priceless bottle of port. Didn't hold it against her.

Never got invited back, like.

Chazwiz, because you have a posh accent your view is invalid.

MADBLOKE IS BULLYING YOU ROUTINE, THE BAD SOD.

Aww, he's ok (*ruffles madbloke's hair).

"privileged"

That's what I said innit? Now you've got me all pre-menstrual. The posh people who really do deserve to be put up against the wall, of course, are the tourists: http://www.pulpwiki.net/Pulp/CommonPeopleComic

Using language creatively, or with intellect, is not the sole domain of the privately educated. Infact, far from it. However, using teeth-gnashingy pompous idioms in an attempt distance oneself from a perceived lower class of Listopian, comes across as crass and naive.

Yeah. Cunts, the lot of you.

try to ignore my grammatical mistakes. I'm only a pauper.

I could take the time to learn correct spelling and grammar BUT TINY TIM NEEDS SHOES.

This thread has given me a proper wide-on

At least you're not a sott.

Seaotters, please can you talk about animals or something.

My bad, I'm a posh thicko, who's looking down on and judging all you pointless plebs. I'll just shuffle off and rub myself with my massive wads of cash, vast intensively sourced education and endless indoor scarves.

That's a classic straw man.

Sharing impassioned personal feelings on Listopia? This has *never* gone wrong before.

What is the job you do, Chaz? In scarves? With RP?

And not even A-level standard qualifications...

Can we get back to something far more interesting please - Chaz's lesbo tendencies.

Well, *I* have learnt something today, I never knew what a "straw man" was, but now I have Wikipedia'd it and I feel like my day has had a purpose. Also (and I'm surprised no one has asked you this yet CW), did you do the vodka tampon thing at your private school?

Snobs are cunts, inverse snobs are cunts, let's face it most people are prejudiced cunts. We're ignorant, ill-bred oiks to one crowd, stuck-up posh tits to another. You can't please everyone, and you sure as hell can piss off most people most of the time, usually without even trying. Here endeth today's lesson.

I work as a nursing auxilliary. And now: WILLIES/BOOBIES/SPAM POCKET.

MMO - no I didn't, but biology tells me it wouldn't work. Just drink it through your face holes - far more socially acceptable, plus you don't have to worry about sharing the bottle so much...

Chaz and Aunt Sally!

Noble!

Mike - that was sort of my point, you can judge me because of my background, uprbringing etc etc, or you could get to know me before you decide. I try as hard as I can to get to know people, because how can I possibly hope to be a whole individual if I don't examine all the facets of life available to me? That doubtless sounds impossibly trite. I dont try to be anything other than me, but I try to meet and accept each person as I find them. Right, wine O'clock.

Should point out that the "you" there is generalised, not just Mike. MIKE COME GET TO KNOW ME INTIMATELY!!!

I tried Vodka tampons but found them very chewy

But Heston recommended them for palate cleansing (minus vodka)

*mental image*

I wonder what would happen if you injected vodka directly into your scrot?

You become a sott

Pain! Possibly localised toxicity and cell death. Necrosis of the scrot.

All this talk not taking things at face value would be grand were it not for the fact that we've collectively hammered the 'I will judge you' list with over 100 entries.

Going back to DanX5's point (before the tangental discussion) lots of people pretend to be what they consider posh, in a kind of Hyacinth Bucket way. Which I assume is what Rubbishdespot was on about. Equally, plenty of people try to talk up their working class or salt-of-the-earth credentials despite evidence to the contrary.

Seriously you guys, I feel I should just let you know I have a MASSIVE cock. Thanks

On the eunuch forum, injecting alcohol into the scrotum is one of the methods of castration frequently discussed (and like all the others it's likely to prove lethal)

Thisismyonlyline s correctly read my thoughts. I was thinking of those older women who are desperate to project a sense of regality that probably doesn't even exist with very wealthy people. Generally, in my experience, regardless of class, geographical location and race you get the same amount of pricks and highly likeable people wherever.

I clicked this thing because it had 52 notes!

It's like a full notebook of notez!

lmao

If you have decided to stop being all huss at one another then I will share with you a song about skeletons!

It is true. No matter where you live, whether in the wretched grey North or the plump and greedy South, or of how attractive you are, or of how many vowels you can even count or do proper pronounce, beneath your dire skins are a lot of these!

Skeletons!

All of you are just skeletons, you can see here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSdSemAMzdY I hope that this puts your minor class kerfuffle to rest.

If you feel that your concerns have not yet been adequately addressed pls address a self enamel enlop to elsewhere. I cannot remember where it goes. LET THIS BE A LESSOT TO YOU ALL

(dont be mean to each other)

(retardes)

Thank you Seaotters, for your beautiful ditty and for making us all realise and regret the error of our ways. As always your beautiful linguistic diversions set the world to rights.

*SUNSET*

*CREDITS* over http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhflzGDiDIM#t=41s

The you are a  Skeleton Dance

Ah. That's why I like Chazwiz. She reminds me of my girlfriend. Is your other half fat and hairy?

Nope, he's a lean man, but does have a delectable beard.

Something that really used to piss me off about Cilla Black on Blind Date (yes, I really do hold on to these pet peeves big-time, don't I?) was the way she used to go "Ooooh, aren't you posh!" when a contestant revealed they had a degree, or came from Hoylake or whatever. She never felt moved to remark "Ooh, aren't you common!" to the hordes of entrants who were called 'Shazza' and enjoyed raucous drinking games while holidaying in Benidorm.

Cilla Black is a lying cunt.

She's much more plummy than the way she spoke on television and famously drank nothing but Champagne.

She's a rude cunt as well.

But she loved Thatch. That's made your head explode hasn't it?

I used to oddly enjoy the self-surgery aspect of it though. Then I just switched back to wet shave and haven't had any since.

Wet shaving is manly.

This whole thread is getting me hard.

This entry is too unquantifiable

Actually a better one is that fucking Google thing where it starts bringing up weblinks as you're typing. Very good, except if your internet connection is shit and you've made a spelling error.

It's even worse on a phone.

Excel post-2007 is gash. Everything's in the wrong place, in the name of being intuitive. I don't even think it's intuitive for those of us who haven't now got to somehow unlearn fifteen years of muscle memory not to look like a spastic grandma looking for the off button. (2007 was six years ago: topical zing).

Giggles

The classic Word menu bar is a lot easier than that fancy ribbon bollocks, or whatever they call it. It's a load of shit.

I can find fuck all on the new thing. And it offers disturbing suggestions.

All of the latest Office menu reorganisation is pish. It's like when they reorganise the supermarket layout for no good reason and you end up looking for tarts where the puffs are.

Yes! Or makes you do a 4 digit year value.

Conversely software that erroneously recognises numbers as dates, and makes me fuck about with the settings for 15 minutes to stop it

Before you write in and claim that's sexist, it's not. Men just don't carry handbags that often.

I've seen men with rucksacks doing practically the same thing.

I've seen a house fly.

I've seen some racist crows

I saw a nigger, just walking down the street, free as you like. I don't know what this country is coming to, but I will be voting UKIP in the upcoming elections.

Fucking liberty, he was just walking, no chains or anything?

Please see my entry elsewhere on this page for rucksacks. Apparently, large parts of my brain are preoccupied with luggage and transport.

We had a nigger in a few weeks ago. I wasn't sure what to do, to be honest. I called the RSPCA but they said something about reporting me to the police or something so we had to drag it into the bin yard and stun it. We released it a few miles away and it ran off across some allotments. A close shave, I can tell you!!!

Why has nobody suggested cannibalism to these starving chaps? It'd sort them right out.

I like Chaz - she's a clever, posh bicurious lady

paging doctor gaylord

Bumfart, I am in a pit of despond. (Thank you Charaldan)

I like Chaz as well. I liked her before charaldan did.

You're writing this entry all wrong. You should listen to the wireless more and buy a gramophone.

Would you describe her as an attractive lady?

Saying that though, in the chess computer example, their listing sold for about £60. Whereas in the last 10 mins of mine, a flurry of bids drove the price up to £200, which was nice and satisfying.

Just as annoying are the sad fuckers who message you saying "If I offered £15 would you end the auction early?" Yeah Yeah why not! You see that seller feedback rating if just under a 1000 and the fact that I've been a seller for over 10 years. Yeah I have that but of course I'm still likely to be done over by chancers like you - not! On your fucking way!

Completely agree, unless you were selling a guide to English grammar and syntax with any kind of recommendation.

Fight!!!

Suck my balls and tell your mates to suck my balls also.

"No, you're not being funny"

I am a twat, but am occasionally funny. About your mates.

bit of a middle-class rant that, sorry. He professes to want to get everyone cooking, but writes willfully dense and over complicated recipes.

His 30 minute recipes are great.

bollocks, he can't even format his instructions properly

I got really excited by his 30-minute meals, until I tried one out. Turns out it's a lot easier to cook them in 30 minutes when all the utensils you need are neatly suspended above your head, rather than festering unwashed in the sink, the ingredients are laid out ready-weighed and pre-chopped, and your cupboards contain every type of obscure herb, spice and seasoning known to man. Oh, and you can just lean out of the kitchen window to pick some fucking chives.

Ha!

Jamie's 30-quid dinners.

Take 2 x 25mg tablets of Phenergen, available from behind the counter at the chemist (without prescription), and I give you my word you will be asleep within 2 hours of taking it.

BECAUSE DRUGS ARE HEALTHY

I find it heartening that an antihistamine can be phased out because it makes people sleepy, then stage a comeback as an OTC wonder sleeping drug. Cf Nytol (diphenhydramine).

I took sleeping tablets and drank Horlicks and I STILL couldn't sleep. Fucking body.

It works better than any benzo, weed, opiate or booze-based solution I've ever tried. And it's non addictive. Nytol gives me nightmares. Phernergan is a wonder sleeping drug in my eyes. *dies of liver failure*

Horlicks is full of sugar. Why the fuck would anyone give themselves a sugar rush to help them sleep?

I've always found the malt in it counterbalances the sugar. I've tried Nytol but found Kalms more effective.

Try Phenergan. Trust me on this.

Have a wank for God's sake.

Give up caffeine.

Give up not sleeping

I agree with mookay. You'll feel like you had a smoke the night before when you wake up, but it works a treat particularly with a drink. It's also used for travel sickness, so tell any nosey pharmacist that's what you need it for.

I'm with Theboytucker

Phenergan is ace - mainly cos it works.

Try it, Hippy. It's very good.

BUT...I do love benders and darkies. I think the sooner we flood society with both the sooner we'll be back on path.

Now fuck off.

You cunts.

I'm curious - when you spilled it, was the first thing you did trying to clean it up, or thinking "I know a list I can post this episode on"?

I think we should have more right wing benders and darkies. The world would have been a better place if Hitler had been a bit more like Sammy Davis Jr.

I played a gig at a pub in Bolton on Saturday. A large black fella got on stage, grabbed a mic and shouted "Why are there no NIGGERS in this pub? WHERE ARE ALL THE FUCKING NIGGERS?! Stupid fucking NIGGERS!". He then sang a Bob Marley song while the landlord tried to deal with the situation by yelling calming things like "GET THE FUCKING COON OFF THE FUCKING STAGE!". It was a strange night.

I was in Bolton that night. How can I have missed this?

Brilliant

You must've been in a better bit of Bolton dan! For comedy racism, you should try the Victory.

Ban children until they're, well, not children?

Very topical and I'll probably get over it tomorrow. And no-one on this site seems to get football so I'll probably get a thumbs down to make matters worse.

Football is for gays.

Very nearly three years later, Arjen Robben is still a cunt. And the oldest-looking x-year-old going. And football remains less gay than obsessing about a children's TV show.

No it doesn't queer-chops.

I don't understand this.

If you want to scribble use paper for fuck's sake.

View > lock guides. You can lock them and unlock them. You must have them locked by default.

No, I can drag them about by the mouse, I want to be able to type in a box the precise position I want it to be. The option has been on Corel Draw for about 12 years now, and you can rotate them so you can set the guide at at 37 degrees or whatever.

Christ, is Corel still going? You can rotate guides in Illustrator now, but I can't say I've ever used the feature.

Love Corel ever since version 3 was installed on the college network in the early 90s. Never bothered with Illustrator.

You can drag guides. hover the 'move' cursor over the guide until it changes, click and drag.

Yes, they're all annoying smug twats, I know (except Barry), but I've had time to get used to wanting the rest of them dead (except Barry).

CJ is someone's missing aunt

The new guy looks like Forrest Whitaker playing Idi Amin in full zonked-out loon mode.

Barry is the one who needs to die the most urgently.

I'm about to spend 9 months in India in a professional capacity, living with a remote and dying tribe, to help record the language, religion and heritage for the sake of preservation and history. I know this makes me a cunt, but I'm quite excited and a little scared. K BAI

Just fucking go, Mooks. You never stop going on about it.

Will you still be able to spack about on here, or are they so shit they don't even have internet access?

They have sporadic electricity, and there's a phone mast 30 miles away which means I can get enough of a signal to use basic internets by using my phone, apparently. No streaming TV or music or any of that gay stuff. Also they don't have hot or running water, or toilets, and there's some rough sacrificial shit that goes down. So yeah I fully intend to use Listopia to stay sane.

Also I know I sound like a complete DICK.

Bad luck, I'm going to ban all traffic to and from India. Try not to die of anal plagues you brave mentalist.

Teach them of the crow and bear and rick my lingpiece and vodka tampons

Subvert their histories

Bring me back some Nepalesian Templeball, you bald cunt.

I'll write an eye-gaugingly altruistic blog about how I'm saving the poor tribespeople. Actually I might write someting, but it will be for funny or mental things only. Stav, I'll bring you back some AIDS or some witchdoctor shit to cure you of being a short cunt.

Get them all to sign up on here so we can conserve their language and history via a list

Memories Of The Nu'gulch Ka Tribe

mu' luc' ak ka KA! nu chi ak ak la fum WILLIES ak ka!

The language has no written form currently, but I will try and use phonetics to make a fun list. It would be a world first.

Alright, can I have the good AIDS and the withdoctor shit or is that asking too much?

You can have whatever my cock gives you when I get back.

"My-Cock" is the phonetic spelling of the tribal catamite you intend to smuggle through customs, I vouch? "I shall name you M'ccok, and you will know, in time, the greatness of the west sea watersnake."

Why don't you just go to America and go on some rollercoasters? Or, if you're truly Hell-bent on putting yourself through nine months of depressing dull shit just get someone up the duff and ask them how they feel every day?

What can I say, I'm bored of the old Routine.

Fuck off to bendernet then, or get a restraining order out on me? I won't fight it.

I think it's about time I was thrown off this site anyway to be honest. I even annoy myself these days.

Jesus, it was just a stupid play on words. I love you as much as I ever did you rude, mental, funny cunt.

I know, you stupid fucker.

You are a cock for going to India though. Go on fucking holiday instead.

You seem in a good mood this evening routy.

It's a fucking job you cunt, not a holiday.

Benders.

I know for a fact that routy gave mookay head at the last Listopia meet. I saw a picture, Jimleh was dangling his plums in mooks mush at the same time. It was disgusting yet erotic.

Is it fuck a job. Working in McDonalds is a job. Hanging out with a load of skint Indians and shitting in a hole in the sand is martyrdom. You're going to come back with a guitar and skull cap and bore everyone you meet into catatonia with your tales of "the time I had to eat a goat's nuts and use the sack as sunblock or die".

Hi Shaun.

Can't you give this feckless cunt a job sawing wood up or something before he turns into Jesus?

Anyway, suck my fucking balls. I'm going to bed you bendy bastards.

fuck off

You big smelly cunt. It's a fucking proper job you mother fondling scab-demon, not some gap year white-guilt charity holiday . I'll fucking bore your brain out with tales of how I updated the budget plan and paid a man to lay some fucking foundations. I'm hardly fucking indiana fucking jones (I am a bit).

Also there's no fucking sand in the fucking jungle you daft pirate. Plus I've already eaten goat balls in Lebanon. I'll tell you all about it one day.

Jesus Christ I can't fucking wait.

Did mookay ever go to whatever country he was going to?

He has indeed. He's in northern India basically taking pictures of kids as far as I can work out.

Thanks Stav. This is how Glitter started. I'll be making a few phone calls tomorrow.

Fuck you I found the internet. Cunts. We're building a school and now I'm uncovering some, frankly uncomfortable, stories about cannibalism. I have massive bastard cockroaches and bats living in my hut and I puke and shit tepid squalor every day. My 22 year old neighbour died yesterday so we buried him and I've been drinking fucking horrible rice booze all day, which makes me shit and puke even more. Only 10 months to go.

It's always something with you, isn't it?

leave some rice alcohol out for the bats and see what happens, maybe you can pick up an inebriated bat before it realises what is happening and feel the unusual and satisfying weight of bats in your palm, are they fruit bats?

Indiana Martyr and the School of Inconteninent Bat Puke

Fuck you and your first world problems. I had to wait till *half eight* for my dinner, and now there's nothing on telly so I'm posting this shite. And my fucking neighbours are in robust health, the resilient cunts!

I like Bats. I don't know what kind they are. They seem nice, but create quite a racket with the fluttering and whimpering. My friend got his leg bit by a spider and it swelled by about 50%. The hospital didn't know what to do so they sent him to a witch doctor. I know that they have a tendency to blood-let in these parts, so I'm a bit worried about his health. He buys me biscuits, so he's important. The good news is I have a nice view and today is market day! That means I can eat bananas.

Soon the bats will begin talking to you. How's the malaria? I see West Bengal is marked as RED on the NHS malaria map.

Malaria is the least of my worries. Just found out how they deal with squabbles in a primitive village with no police.

Calm and reasoned mediation?

Mikey has to perform fellatio on the tribes eldermen.

Actually, in some instances, yes. A few weeks ago two boys had a scrap and the next day both families and the heads of the tribe met in the village and talked it through over a few hours. They try and curb resentment and grudges quickly. However, when a son has embarrassed his family, his dad will publicly administer a rather more robust punishment. What severity of punishment lies beyond that of my western eyes, I'll probably never know, but much drama will haunt my imagination.

Oh, that's beautiful timing Stavros. Mookays answer contained significantly less 'being-forced-to-marry-the-ringleader-of-the-group-of-men-who-gang-raped-you' than I had anticipated.

I fucking KNEW it. So he's basically a sex tourist with a conscience.

This can all go straight into your TripAdvisor review

2.5 stars. The nightlife is hugely disappointing.

Yes that fucking delicacy, Coronation Chicken. Couldn't be improved upon.

Thumb down you chintzy old fucker.

Fuck off yourself you food-snob cuntbucket.

Fucking hell can you still buy that? I thought coronation chicken was a wartime thing that orphans ate.

No that's tripe which, ironically, is what Babs spouts out of his face hole most of the time, the paedo.

I'm with you on the coriander thing Barb, they might as well chuck a load of soap flakes in there while they're at it.

Thanks Droog. I would have responded sooner, but my machine's been playing up. routine - fuck off as usual. Mookay - when you're being raped by big chief M'Kanta-Bwwaaaaaa you'll kiss my arse to let me give you a sniff of delicious Coronation Chicken.

If a person or company has an 0208 number rather than 0207, I don't trust them as much. I'm not joking.

I go one step better and make the initial group 5 digits. Target thinks I don't understand the important London secret, but actually I'm deliberately showing my contempt for ithem.

I'm with mookay. Saw it misrepresented on a tourism poster for the Philippines and instantly vowed never to go there. And me a keen sex-tourist too!

I do the same as dan5. it just makes more sense.

What fucks me off is correcting it to the recommended grouping (on business stationery artwork), then being told by the client they want it in the (incorrect) 0207-type format. I mean, I know the rule and I haven't even lived in London since it was 01 for fuck's sake!

There's a loon who posts this exact same thing all over the net. Anyone mentions phone numbers, they fucking appear going all "It's (020) 8 not 0208". And spending twenty paragraphs going on about how the "big number change" happened fifteen years ago etc. etc.

Basically, stop being fucking mad. The lot of you.

Got ourselves a paedo here chaps.

So you're saying you love girls with a hairy muff?

Don't have any particular preference. I mean, I'd prefer the lady not to have a thick coating of downy fur running across her clunge, buttocks and up her back, but otherwise it's fine. All part of life's rich tapestry. (And it wasn't me that thumbed it down either.)

But you're definitely a nonce.

Just because I like girls who don't have fully developed breasts yet it doesn't make a nonce. It just makes me a bit different

Not at Listopia it doesn't. When it comes to sexual preferences, it's like the BBC canteen circa 1975 around here.

Yeah I like the hirsute style. Think it's more of an age thing - when I was a teenager in the early 80s the spaff mags didn't have a bare clunge on show (apart from specialist mags like shaven havens) and therefore my wanks were all based on fantasising over natural women. This imprints you.

And I did thumb it down

Having never seen a woman naked, I have nothing to add here.

80s porn ladies didn't have their labia lasered into clinical tidiness either.

Personally when I slip a lady's undergarments off I'd rather be face to face with a strip of velcro than Don King.

And Don King who's just finished a warm mug of Pilchuccino is going straight home and paying for her own taxi.

routine - Listopia's answer to Peter Stringfellow.

And "What's brown and sticky? A stick!" No, you mean "What can be brown and is stick-like?".

Your cock, if memory serves.

That was quite good, but as this entry has been thumbed down so much, nobody shall see it. Ha!

*seethes

Nice to see the pro-tranny brigade turning out. Dood job lads.

All in a day's work

Fuck you, parking entitlement cunthead.

it's a fucking garage. Only pricks park in front of garages, hence the need for the sign.

Crow! Crow! Crow!

Who said anything about me parking there, you dozy cocksacks? My issue is with the sign that's obviously bullshit. Of course I'm not going to park in front of it. The only thing I'd inconsiderately park is my fudge, on your mums' filthy bosoms.

was about to throw you to the crows but you were redeemed by your comment

Yrah man, stick it to those man hating vulvacentric feminazis! Who's going to make my dinner and whap my emasculated beanbag if they're on the front line topping ragheads? Fight the power, gentlemen, let's overthrow the titted oppressors!

I need to meet your acid dealer.

I wouldn't say it was a pile of shit. I'd say it has a confused, schizophrenic UX and offers nothing fundamentally worth upgrading for except the improved multi-monitor support. 6/10

Never upgrade until an OS has been out a year or so. After a year, they've generally fixed most of the problems.

I believe this is my first harsh goose.

Would you like to go lower?

I'm hoping. I don't know the scoring method though

Minus ten - or a difference of ten in the minuses - will earn you The Eagle. I don't think I could have said that less goodly.

As in Goodly & Creme?

More to the point, who the fuck thumbed this up?

Someone who lurves you!

Prolly seaotters. He thumbs everything up. He's a natural born upthumber.

No it was me. I did it to try and save you from your masochistic goose desires

Where's my crow you fuckers?