Listopia

Also, any kind of cured meat found in a corner shop fridge.

^^YEP

Not just any pile, mind, it has to be a GIVEN pile.

Or has kids

Or is engaged to someone who hasn't turned 20.

or 12

I was engaged at 17. I broke it off though.

The engagement.

haha! I was at 19, but saw sense.

Ha!

Excellent

Thank God you posted that. I've been suffering silently in the belief that mine was haunted.

Especially if it's an Epson. They fanny about for ages.

Would Kodak printers now feel they have nothing to lose?

This is what they're doing: they're fucking about and whirring for no reason. They're "cleaning" themselves by blasting all your expensive ink through their tubes. So you have to buy another overpriced cartridge.

I'd like to blast my ink through your tubes.

I was beginning to wonder why Rimm hadn't posted for a while. Now I see this homosexualist overture and it all makes perfect sense.

Especially if they're not overweight women.

My son loves the Garfield movies. In his defence, he is four years old.

That is no defence. Punt him into the sea.

@untraceablecheapskate.com

Agreed. Will my mobile phone go forward on it's own or should I change it before I go to bed. How will I know what's happened when my alarm goes off. I might have changed it and it changed it self even more. Goddamned it. Then I remember it's a shit

Actually I remember it's a "Sunday and who gives" a shit

So what's that brown smelly thing stuck to your mattress?

Jimleh owns a pair.....he purchased the limited edition of COD for the cheap price of £250 just to get a pair. In case you were wondering/cared they were shit

Yeah, but I can see in the dark now.

Especially the Quran

A religious evangelist a bit suspicous? No, surely not.

That is NOT irrational

'bible' is a great word to say, Joey Deacon style, making yourself laugh in the process.

...down in the bible, things are ...pretty tribal, a tooth for a tooth and an eyeball for an eyeball... Mr Hegley

Spadge, 50% of this site is rape jokes.

and the other 60% are general references to rape or comments made by people who are mathematically inept

Bob Grant says : "Blimey. Here we go again". *sucks on fag

I was at a farmers market this morning and a farmer spoke to another farmer about rape for about 5 solid minutes which was annoying because I wanted to buy some asparagus and was roundly ignored (fyi i did eventually buy some, two bunches for 5 quid)

it's going in some risotto btw

I bought some asparagus just last week funnily enough. Not from a farmers market though, although if there was a farmers market nearby I would definitely make the effort, no, (*coughs to clear throat), I bought mine from a RAPE!!!!!

zzzzzzzz

check the infographic - the most popular lists are not about rape.

Log should use that in his publicity - 'Majority of popular lists now not rape-themed'

I wonder if the infographic would reveal a different, more rapey landscape if it were compiled now?

Listopia - it's not all rape

Not even close. As of tonight "rape" appears 397 times, with the top users of the word being:

roundrobin : 29

PC Lout : 25

Mangosta : 19

routine : 19

"Fucking" still wins, at 2789. "Down" at 2005. "Cunt" at 1963. "Fuck" at 1555. Technically we're more obsessed with God (470) than rape.

http://www.ktheory.co.uk/Listopsych-May2012.png

The word rape doesn't need to be mentioned, necessarily. Anyway, I feel I've made my point.

There was a POINT?!?

If you look at cubeace's row and add some commas and stuff, it reads: "bum, arse, little cock...cos fucking Dale Winton great"

BMX's says Fucking face been very massive. Dog little. Mummy made down

Jimleh's opening three words take some beating: "face fucking haha".

Not that I've ever heard of 'face fucking' or am aware that it is a thing.

You've not lived

FUCK TAPAS

No, it's an alibi

ha!

You're not ordering enough. Use this system: number of plates of tapas to order = number of people multiplied by 12 plus three pitchers of margarita

Why is my mum calling you?

Don't answer that!

Ha, I nearly put this in my start-up list!

YES, especially at Paddington Station. wtf.

And the similarly shaped Japanese tights. A real hentai timber feller

hahahaha

I definitely wouldn't put my finger on that one.

'...to ensure that they still reek of piss and shit'

You will be charged £2.50 for taking your own money out.

Yep. Creepy as fuck.

Those machines always seem WAY bigger than necessary too.

This is to accomodate the bloke who wanks into your beverage.

Aw, you big silly. All the kids are doing it. Have you tried these 'trainers'? I've got a pair. They're really comfy!!!

So are tawdry beliefs [/ will self on room101, disgusted by trainers]

Maybe because the pool contains far more water per ball/anus than the footbath does per foot?

If we're discussing Dreamworks or any other number of poor imitators - I agree with you. http://digitalmediaartist.org/pixar_vs_dw.jpg However, Pixar's work is - I'm sorry - outstanding.

Totally. Exclusively Pixar are amazing. Excluding "Cars", of course.

And Rattafuckingtouie. Nicely rendered though, naturally.

Sinister uncanny valley animation. Makes my skin crawl

There is only one poster that does this. I shall not mention their name for fear of being accused of being a Spadger hating mysoginistic bastard.

Doh!

Bear is there anyway of removing the bastard bit out of my first comment?

Argh, fuck it, leave it in.

It wasn't one of Spadger's lists that prompted this actually, just clicked on a random list and it was all over the fucking place. It's a cunt's trick to get more thumbs if you ask me.

There was a short time during the transition from Version 1 of the site to Version 2 (about 2 years ago) where all new lists were created with Oldest First as default, as a bug. Otherwise the only person I've seen doing this is Spadger. Fuck knows why she does/did it.

PS Gintox - I can't easily modify comments without heading to the database. Soz boz.

SPADGER EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ME SPADGER

There's quite a few, Animals in Rhyming Attire, Celebrity Board Games, pretty much all of Poopipe's lists and so on. I still say it's a cunt's trick.

I've only ever noticed it on Ms Spadgers lists. Hey ho. Why can't we all just get along without all this bickering? It makes me ever so slightly vexed.

Only kidding, you can all fuck off. Hahahahahahahaha

Oh God, here we go again. The atrocities continue. 1) I was only aware of ordered lists until fairly recently. Didn't have a clue what the difference was and am still not quite sure. 2) I couldn't be a strategist even if I wanted to be. I am regularly thrashed at Connect 4 by my 6 year old nephew who calls me a retard. 3) I always assume other Listopians, like myself, thumb a posting up and down because they like/hate it, not because of how others vote. A bit sheeple to do otherwise, surely?

Kodiak, if you think my "ordered list" selection is dodgy, why not remove the option or give me step by step guide of what order an ordered lists comes in and how it buggers up the synchronicity or upsets other posters. Because I'm sure I haven't got a clue.

Before anyone asks, I've never been to Whitechapel and wasn't alive in the 1880's.

When creating any of the innumerable lists of things you insist on clogging this site with, you never once wondered what that box saying "create an ordered list" that you chose to tick meant, nor read the paragraph directly above it? Your nephew's not wrong, it seems.

Brauchel, that has made me do a proper lol.

You may have noticed that 99.9% of the lists on the site operate a 'cream rises to the top' policy, whereupon the more up-votes an entry has, the closer to the top of the list it rises and, conversely, when someone writes a load of unfunny shite, it gets downvotes into goosey oblivion down near the bottom. This sort order is the default, because that means that lists can be read top-to-bottom with the funny stuff first.

However some lists - for example, the 'Words-that-should-exist: Interactive Challenge' one - only really work when they are presented in the order that the items were added. In that particular case, it's because any given entry references the last word written in the previous entry. SOooo we offer the ORDERED LIST option when creating that enforces that chronology.

Note that you can, naturally, override the default option using the little block just above the entries in a list: Sort by [List Default] or [Oldest] [Newest] [Worst] first. [Oldest] is used as default for those lists created with enforced chronology. [Best], in this case the list default, is what is used if you do NOT use enforced chonology, QED.

My confusion, I suppose, arises from the fact that these choices were - I think - reasonably explained in the list creation interface, thus: http://imgur.com/N8mad .. in past times, one had to go so far as to type "YES" into that little box, even, meaning that people would perhaps assume one would really have to want their lists created with enforced chronology, rather than it being a mis-clicked option or accidental bafflement.

But then again it is quite possibly my deficiency as a UX designer that this was not made clearer, otherwise these explanations would not be required. "Huss!", as seaotters would rightly say.

Crikey!

While we're talking about this, KJP, can't you make List Default say what the default is, rather than making us work it out by seeing which one's missing? Like [List Default - Best]?

Sure we can. *ding*

Brauchsel's UAT department: you sure that's right? The default for this list is (as all right-thinking lists are) "Best". If I click on "Newest", it says "List default - newest". I didn't think it was a problem anyway, but I'm a cunt.

Danx5 is an undercover gay and I've only just realised. FML. My Gaydar is well off at the moment.

Brauch - you're absolutely right, fixed. Imagine if I tested things first!

Super. That's the spirit! You'd fit right in at my place, if you'd just lose that fixing-things-quickly-and-without-fuss thing.

These comments have become awfully technical. Please can we go back to being retards? For everyone's sake.You fucking nerdy cunts.

Spadger's an idiot and you're a midget. And Noel Edmonds is responsible for a man's death. All fixed now.

I'm not actually a midget, I thought most people were aware of that. I'm refusing to talk about your Spadger comment.

The atrocities continue.

Stav isn't a midget. I've met him. He's much shorter than that.

Stavvers, I am not a gay.

You are a little bit.

You are spectacularly midgety Stav. Don't go trying to trick people into thinking you're not a fucking gnome.

Shut up you scruffy fucker.

How else do you pronounce it?

Pronounshed, you shilly shod.

nish, very nish indeed

Nish, but jusht a bit shushpishcious.

Hey, if it's good enough for Alan Partridge, it's good enough for me.

Maybe that electric string quartet....'only their instruments covering ntheir crotchets'

Reader, I married her.

Wearing a gold tracksuit.

hahaha! I wouldn't trust any of them as far as I could fucking throw them. If the cameras weren't there Mike Melody would be "It's a Stradivarius all right but it's knackered. I'll give you 30 quid and I'm slitting me own throat at that luv." cunt

So true, I was thinking this when watching the other day. God I need to get a job.

Is this chicken as in food, or as in young children?

You are a little horror, Barbara Smith. Changing the subject slightly - if you ever get the chance, watch the Troma film Poultygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead. You will NOT be disappointed.

No real answer I notice.

Facebook is for cunts. Couples doubly so.

I have three Facebook accounts

One for each who rule.

Barbers, if you weren't such a cunt I'd marry you

That's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.

facebook is for cunt's pets.

I once met a friend's new and thankfully short lived girlfriend who introduced herself thus: 'Hi! I drank a bottle of bleach when my dog died. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!' She had a tattoo on her tits.

My friend went on a date with a bloke who thought telling her about his being sectioned was a great conversation opener

Whenever anyone does this I always assume it's a precursor to them asking me for money.

Didn't know we had some criminals on here

Yeah, back behind the bar you cunts.

Yes. One day it's going to melt/catch fire/leach poison into your cake.

This fear has been further compounded by a silicone (...supposedly!) oven mitt I got from a pound shop - which had about the same insulation properties as the carrier bag they put it in.

What about silicone tits though? Nothing wrong with them. Phwooarr.

They pop when you stick a thermometer probe in them.

We have this bright red silicone cake 'tin' thingy. It doesn't get hot or wobbly in the oven. I don't like it, it's not natural.

I would say you've found the exception that proves the rule. Most of their stores I've been in have, if nothing else, been spotless. Crowded, expensive and noisy, but spotless. No I don't work for them.

I'm with Sylvia on this one. My local Morrison's is a shithole, plus they've got a Joey on the cheese counter.

How much is Joey per kilo?? Is it a blue cheese or one of those newfangled efforts with apricots & walnuts and the like in?

^^^This caused music to eject from my nose.

and mucus.

I think it's fair enough if you put them on the trolleys or whatever, but with the best will in the world, you do not want a spastic dribbling on your Brie.

Our Morrison's isn't bad, and the bakery is by far the best among the local supermarkets.

I used to think the same about Somerfield. You know how supermarkets pump scents into the air to make you buy things, like fresh bread? Judging by my local Somerfield, they had a permanent special offer on turds.

"but with the best will in the world, you do not want a spastic dribbling on your Brie." ... You are Alan Bennett and I claim my £5 !

And that's why Somerfield went bankrupt.

...they'll flap ineffectually at us while we kick them to pieces.

Bloody townie!

Is this a Larson thing? Cos it's not true, you know.

Ha! Fucking truly unbelievable.

Especially ones inside Tescos

Yep, supermarket postboxes are too plasticky to quite convince.

A postbox should be strong enough to take an impact from at least a class 2 HGV travelling at speed. Ideally one of those 4 axle tipper trucks.

You tr typng proprlee after a botle of finest..

ugh, yeh.

You are friends with a massive paedophile ring.

Maybe your acquaintances just don't like you - do they tell you when their numbers change or do you have to track them down like some deranged stalker

(shivers)

Excellent.

Anthony Kiedis's father, "SugarBoy Sweetay" Kiedis, was drug dealer to the stars in 70's California. He kept a long pinky nail for digging and hoovering coke, but the rest of his fingernails short "for the ladies." This strikes me as a massive logistic mistake. After a long night of frigging valley girls, I bet his chisel scoop was absolutely CAKED in dingleberries.

'ear canal scoop' rumour

As far as origins go, I reckon a spider may have been involved at some stage.

Yep and intentions are probably a silky sort of wind borne navigation aid

They have been mostly terrible! I have been drinking too much and then going on the internet.

Tell him to fuck off and call me gorgeous.

I <3 seaotters, which is all the endorsement he probably requires for a happy life. I am also a massive drunk. I do know a lot about ELO though.

seaotters please tell us more puma tales.

Canine or female human kind?

At an old workplace there was a single security guard who used to talk about his female pooch a lot, always had lots of anecdotes about him being "Daddy". Cue the men in my dept acting out obscene and apocryphal scenarios of what went on when Daddy got home, complete with whiplash and wimpering noises. Fortunately for me, women and cats seem to be a little more socially acceptable. However, I'm sure the guard was innocent, just as Zed and Maynard were.

Look, I quite like dogs. But there is a man that comes in to my local with some kind of gigantic retriever. Not only does he let the fucking thing slobber all over his mouth (for no other apparent reason than mutual enjoyment), when he orders food he lets the dog eat some of it OFF HIS FUCKING FORK. I mean come on. You're not telling me that bloke doesn't smear his genitals and anus with strawberry jam when he gets in, smiling softly to himself as his canine lover cleans up the mess.

I think women get away with being affectionate (ie above board) with pets more than men. Grown men cry genuine tears when their faithful friend dies and it's really sad.

I reckon the cheap ones do this, so buyers of the more expensive models can go the most direct route with less traffic

Actually, "Dear Brother In Christ" would have been more accurate.

Not irrational.

See also: "This is your captain speaking. You've won a cruise. Well, half of a cruise actually. And you'll be fucking amazed how overpriced the other half is..."

Ha! Excellent.

exxon yeah!

Yes. It's obviously got his spunk in it

Exactly. That's why he looks so happy. It's because he's just came in your jerk.

It is fucking horrible. And as for the sauce...

Also, he lied about it being his grandma's recipe, and about selling it for 15 years at Carnival. The scamp! There are much better jerk sauces and seasonings out there for much less money.

Huh huh jerk.

I am the same. I always add a bit of sellotape.

So do I... I'm starting to think we're more than just a Time Lord

Absolutely! I know of this. lol

In general yes... Wickes' stuff is pretty decent though. And I've got a B&Q circular saw which has given good service

I had £15 jigsaw from B&Q that did me nearly 10 years. Admittedly, it was ten years of mostly lying around neglected in the back of the tool cabinet.

^ Tool cabinet! Ooh, get a load of Craig Phillips here!

Hah, more like Reg Prescott actually.

I saw an Argos Value powerdrill once. That made me nervous .

Oh yes. Been there. "What sort of meat is it, waiter?" ... "Is *good* meat, sir"

There's a bloke in Hull I've seen roller-blading into town whilst wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase. It's like a Monty Python sketch.

That's So Hull!

is a catchphrase that never took off

Comment thumb for Sylvia. Tea for Mr Kipps! Sponge for Mr Kipps!

In fact, any retail establishment that refers to drink as 'alcohol' instead of 'Beers, wines and spirits' or similar

Also: Christians

Also Chris

Very fishy behavour. Boom!!!11eleven I'm here all week, folks!

Interesting fact. If you have one of these stickers, Jehovah's Witnesses will adjust their presentation accordingly after seeing your car in the drive. They'll tell you they've got some 'free Bible mags' for you

Why is your microwave only sitting 3 feet up? Put it on the kitchen counter like a normal person and quit worrying about your balls.

If your microwave's really emitting gamma rays (picometre band) rather than microwaves (centimetre band) then whether the door's open or not won't make any difference.

Yeeeeees, yeeeeeees (*leans back in chair, crosses legs and pushes glasses onto bridge of nose).

Esp. the ones that you'd really quite like to knock one out over, but can't quite bring yourself to, because, despite being quite fit, they're extremely fucking irritating, with their constant inane chirpiness. Like breakfast show DJs, only worse.

Noone should be smiling that much

they're not steak are they Ross, they're just burgers

hoof and eyelid meat-food grills

Paul Ross Grill Steaks - A pale and untrustworthy imitation.

That's meant to be a pound sign. I expect you knew that.

For fucksake, Log! When are you going to sort that?

You should know that as an exiled Northener you can still get a haircut for £3 around here, it'll be fucked like but only £3

Nick Heywards first band?

Haircut 5 quid were a shit band.

To be fair though Stav you can get your bollocks kicked in free, for no reason, 'around here'.

Cheap haircuts = scalp fondlers

Especially if not kept under glass. You can guarantee some oik's sneezed all over them.

Yes, and flicked a bogie into those bacony bits.

...and jizzed in the dressing.

Just wait until some cunt points out "Nerrrrrr, it can't be new AND improved, it has to be one or the other!!!1!!eleven" Go on, be the first moron to say this, I dare you.

It just means they found a cheaper way/supplier. I used to use a cheaper staple product than the market leader then they randomly added something I'm allergic to. Cunts.

I just spent about two minutes trying to figure out how you could be allergic to staples. I need a coffee.

Official groveller to the Royal Parasites these days, it seems.

Almost anything that's be reconditioned, in fact.

I don't know, I bought a reconditioned blender once and to be fair you can't expect them to remove the blood from bits you're not supposed to get wet.

Second hand fridges smell of death.

There are superfluous words in this list entry.

the words in question being in, suits and poorly.

So you are suspicious of epileptic foreigns, Sylv?

lesbrains

But you like schoolgirls don't you Barbie?

Erm...no...oh God...*wanks

+o

Never knew they were called that! They used to be called "imperials" in the 1920s.

Frank Zappa is the honourable exception, and he's dead anyway.

The tour is going on forever. Roger has decided he likes money, now.

In his youth he resembled a goose. His songs repeatedly hark back to a theme of him screaming and even now it seems he still pretends not to have grown out of that ridiculous left wing idealism.

What the fuck is it with that? If it was that big you couldn't actually fit it through the fly, you'd have to stand at the child-height one to avoid dipping the tip in the bowl.

No you doughnut they're the 'captcha' phrases you have to type in to prove you're not a spambot!

Why are you putting mayonnaise in your tea in the first place?

No conversation or eye contact after arriving.

Are you sure this is only a bit suspicious? Have you upset anyone really badly recently? My advice would be not to go to any remote alpine car parks.

When this happens I simply use a convenient pair of roundabouts to double back and get behind them.

Surely you'd only need one roundabout

If you're the sort of person this kind of thing happens to often enough for you to have developed an avoidance strategy, you're going on my JaBS list as well, mate. There's no smoke without fire.

Thomas, I prefer not to go 360 degrees round a roundabout as other road users don't expect it. It's safer to use two.

Dolce verde (R) lettuce, Sunblush (TM) tomatoes. They might as well put 'Warning, do not buy' on the pack

Yes, why aren't they regularly raped?

Because according to the adverts, all rapists are male taxi drivers, and they're at work.

I actually feel more secure when I'm in a taxi and the driver is female. Maybe I'm just a pansy.

Well, there's always the chance she'll let you off the fare if you bum her.

Brrrrr... Crows remind me of death.

Have you killed a lot of crows or something?

PS crows are awesome http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqLU-o7N7Kw

Oh dear. I confess I wrote a fair few wodges of promotional blurb for Pontins, knowing full well how crap it was. In Hell, I will be tormented by thousands of chav holidaymakers shouting in my face with mouths full of chicken nuggets and Panda Cola.

For this you shall burn

What was your tagline? "Like Butlins, but even shitter!"

Yes. Accompanied by a grinning Sir Fred Pontin with his thumbs up.

...your arse.

Where the fuck did that come from?!

The bloke down the road has one permanently in his back garden. I'm suspicious that he might be a cunt

I had a joiner round last wek and he mentioned that he had his own scaffolding. Couldn't get him out fast enough.

It's not so suspicious in a tradesman

I'm slightly suspicious of the double-L variety as well.

do you live in wales, you should be ashamed

wales hahahaha...You can persist with this as long as you want but I'm not falling for it. THERE IS NO WALES!!!

Allan is Welsh for exit

I live in Wales and the school I went to was called the Alun High School. I had a great time there, despite having my front tooth smashed out and collarbone broken in a fight once.

You could have stopped at the comma

ditto car fixer people

You mean like the Chicken Tikka Lasagne I saw in there once? One way to recycle floor scraps I suppose..

Is head cheese AKA pus?

Headcheese as in pig's face. It's delicious if you don't know it's pig's face.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radio-frequency_identification .. your balls are quite safe, sir.

You might turn into a superhero - Bollock Tumour Man - or something like that

Ha! Just remembered Randy in that Marijuana episode of South Park! he used a microwave to give himself bollock cancer in much the same way

Bluetooth proximal nadger baked bean growths

Well hello young Fergus

Hahaha

I still buy from them, though. The company not TC or RM.

Never had you down as a dogger

LOL @ 'had you down'

I won't be listening to any of his records again I can promise you THAT, the CUNT.

Are you on the right list routine?

Deffo mate. Does anyone want to buy a shit-hot Dell XPS 15 i7 laptop. Six months old. Ordered a desktop so surplus to requirements.

Im confused as to what in the name of tits this is about?

Pink Floyd is for benders.

I agree with you a lot of the time, Babs, but I have to call you a cunt at this point.

...said the bender.

Barbersmith likes bumming little boys.

Ah, a fellow Douglas Adams fan, I see... Agreed.

As opposed to what other sort?

Based on the thumb reaction to this, I revisited my local Lidl. It's actually not as demoralising as I expected. I even preferred it to Tesco. Thank-you Listopians.

The continental meat selections and cheeses are excellent but I've only shopped there once.

Now try: chocolate, ground coffee, premium beers & ciders and 10 year-old whiskies.

Offset the 'soiled' feeling by smiling and saying please & thank you to the staff: it's more courtesy than they ever get from their managers, so your presence will have created some value. Think of it as missionary work in a humanitarian wasteland.

(that should have said 10 *-plus* year-old whiskies. I got a very acceptable 28 year-old scotch for under £30 recently. .....I'll shut up now.

I visit them regularly and blog about my findings. I won't spam you all with the URL.

Oh, go on, go on, go on!

tsk ok, Search for "Scandinavian For Value". Bugger me, it's top result in Google. Woo and yay me.

they have any very good "BAG OF ICE CUB"E 99p

What?

Agreed, there is plenty of documentary evidence for this. See Kershner et al. "Drugs barons with cybernetic augmentations: Ethics and Societal effects" 1990.

Robocop 2

Science fail.

Is this something to do with your login?

Ha! No, they just make me uneasy.

Horrible sponge-like things which are like cardboard when slightly undercooked, and like snot when slightly overcooked. In-between? I wouldn't know, as I've NEVER had a nice Aubergine. But I trust them.

Moussaka is like lasagne but shit. And too much buggering about with salt.