Listopia

Scrumber (n): The anger which grips even the most worldly, liberal, peace-loving Briton when they install a piece of software and are forced to select 'English (US)' as a 'language'.

Imposterophe (n): The apostrophe incorrectly used in plurals by idiots.

Boop(v) The action of a pigeon's head as it mechancially moves back and forth as it walks. "The pigeons in the square ran about manically booping as the street sweeper drew near"

Mompliment (n) Things a mother says about their children's achievements when they either don't like or understand them. 'Different' 'Interesting' and 'Unusual' are classic mompliments.

E-bent horizon - the point beyond which a collection of cumshot pictures frankly becomes a collection of big stiff cock pictures

Duffercakes: (n) Cheap confectionary favored by the eldery.

Poorferation (n): Ineffective perforation. Commonly found in value-brand toilet paper, poorferation allows one sheet to almost be torn from the next, before failing and ripping a thin triangle shape from it, rendering it useless.

Frish (v): A style of washing-up employed in communal kitchens, such as offices and student houses. Frishing an item involves rinsing it under tepid water, washing off most of the visible muck, then putting it back in the cupboard and making a mental note not to use it again for about a week.

Grack:(n) The sound heard from various household appliances or parts of a building that emit a noise without any apparently cause. Usage: The TV spontaneously gave out a loud resonating grack from the corner of the room.

Slert (n): The unappealing watery residue that forms on top of yoghurts and is usually poured away.

Burgina (n): The tubby mid-40's divorcee found in every office of 10+ people, who spends her day spouting weak innuendo ("That's a big one!") and dull sex-based trivia ("Ooh, they say a sneeze is an eighth of an orgasm!"), pausing occasionally to fan herself and say "Ooh, I'm having a hot flush!"

Exexexcess (v): To over-swear. To hurl the strongest of expletives at relatively minor incitement. e.g. To drop a raw carrot and then call it a "Fucking ginger cunt". Not to be confused with thick twats who swear constantly, dropping in 'Fucking...' to fill the gaps while their brain catches up.

Antegownism - The completely out-of-proportion rage you experience first thing in the morning as you attempt to put on your dressing gown, but can't figure out where the sleeves are. For advanced bouts, leave one sleeve inside-out the night before.

Pafflapap (n): When stacking books on a shelf and you discover that you don't have enough to fill it, Pafflapap is the noise made when the five or six books on the end all fall down as you search to room for something to use as a bookend.

Fruck (n): A word which sounds as if it should be rude. Popular frucks include Plinth, Titular, Claggy and Yurt.

Dumbet (n): In a multipack of crisps, the bag which has popped open and gone stale. Finders always vow to send the dumbet back for a refund, before deciding it's too much of an arse-ache. Official estimates suggest that if all dumbets were returned, Golden Wonder would go bankrupt within two weeks.

Squeemishment (n): Social awkwardness caused by not knowing which way to look when the window-cleaner is working on a window directly in front of where you're working.

Skrank (v): a word used to describe the massive agony of a category 5 hangover. My head is skranking so badly I can't even be bothered to do a sick out of my mouth.

"Scradge" - that sound made by dry toast falling on kitchen lino. See also "smat"- yoghurt falling on the same.

Nopology (n). Any statement beginning 'I'm sorry if...'

Wootangle(n): A none regular geometric shape, that looks impressive enough to warrant admiration from a viewer. The Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao is crafted mainly from wootangles.

Obviual (n): A self-help book that you'll get halfway through, before realising that it consists of nothing but obvious 'advice' about making To-Do lists and not eating lard. "Do you have 'How to Remember Stuff?'" "Yes, over there with the Ob...

Clerfer (n): In any live band, the clerfer is the member playing an instrument that nobody can actually hear. Clerfers usually specialise in the violin, mandolin or any handheld percussion instrument. "What's Bez doing, is that a tambourine or a maraca?" "Dunno, he must be the clerfer"

Quinkle: A piffling amount of money which is saved by an action whose annoyingness far outweighs its value. "By printing the time in our TV listings as 12.0 instead of 12.00, we could save a quinkle!" "Today Ryanair announced a raft of new measures to save quinkles, including banning toilet paper"

Groening - the sinking feeling you get after watching yet another Simpsons episode that failed to make you even smile. In usage since around 2001.

Grunk (n): A word that you can't say out loud without feeling like a twat. Common Grunks in the English language include Snippet, Chat, Picnic, Crisps and Choose.

Mong (v): What experts in their field do to fish or iron.

Anticippointment (n): Really looking forward to something that ultimately leaves you unfulfilled. For example, England in the World Cup, a chinese curry or sex after a night on the lash.

Notstalgia - the sudden realisation that the past wasn't quite the golden age you like to fool yourself it was. In fact it was quite shit in a lot of ways.

Preoptimism - Hoping that you dont look like a fucking freak after your sex change. Yeah right, all the chicks I want to fuck have hands like shovels.

DJ-vu (n): The feeling that you've already heard a local radio breakfast show's material, usually because the lazy bastards have robbed it from a joke email currently doing the rounds, and are trying to pass it off as their own.

Psycholist (n). Some cunt who rides grim-faced towards you on the pavement at 200mph.

Quaffle (n.) Speculative writing about the Harry Potter universe. 'I found this really sad abandoned blog, it was full of quaffle about what might happen in The Half Blood Prince.'

G.T.A.D.D. (n): The aggravated state one finds oneself in after venturing out in public subsequent to a long session of playing Grand Theft Auto, when one is overcome by urges to pull motorists from their cars, stride out confidently into traffic and shoot pedestrians in the face.

Ta!bloid(n): Bonus news publication, inadvertently delivered by soon-to-be ex paper-boy. See also, Foolscrap, (n.) Sunday supplement windfall with free useless gift.

Hidebernate (v): Pretend not to be home for surreptitious reasons, usually relative/neighbour/debt collector avoidance, but esp. when in receipt of a Ta!bloid, where a protracted battle of wits may well ensue.

Cymritude (n): An excessive level of Welsh nationalism found embarrassing to all concerned.

Darchaeology - Nigerian equivalent to Time Team

Duhja Vu (n): Doing something utterly stupid which comes back to haunt you months later, e.g. putting a dead lightbulb back in the box and keeping it with the new ones, deciding not to write down your phone- banking password, buying Tesco Value clothes, inviting the family over for Christmas.

Gruption (n): Pleasure or satisfaction derived from something fairly wrong. Cat owners often experience gruption whilst using a special plastic sieve to sift the turds out of a cat litter tray, a task which can often feel not unlike panning for gold. Only with shit.

Snargle(v) A mixture of laughing and snorting usually caused by laughing hysterically. "The Man laughed so hard, he started snargling"

Frondage (v, archaic): A debt of ferns.

Antiqulimax (n): the feeling when you disciver your Stradivari/Rembrandt/Ming vase is in fact worthless trash.

Clownautohorngerausche (n) The noise that a clown car's hooter makes

Fassy-Nannue - (n): A large man who is prone to childish temper tantrums.

Racismo: (n) loud posturing and threats about 'beating up racists' in the company of likeminded, well-educated, genteel students.

Blapticule:(n) Another word for paintball.

Chuzzed - The feeling you get after you've just fucked someone and they want a cuddle and they're nuzzling into you and you just want to get the fuck out of there.

Sprunge:(n) The ingrained muck you get on trainers that can never be cleaned out no matter how hard you scrub.

Sarcasme - The act of executing sarcasm so poorly that it backfires, leaving you with eggy embaressment your face.

Bungranger (n): Someone of sufficient stupidity that they still think it's worthwhile to phone Quizcall.

Flanf (n): The seemingly endless fluff-like surface expulsion of new rugs and carpets, no matter how many times they are vacuumed.

Twark (v): Of female drama students, to repeatedly slip into an exaggerated Bugsy Malone-style New York accent in regular conversation.

Fot (n): The noise made by breaking the seal on a jar of instant coffee.

Swexty (n) the sense of irritation at having to manually enter a swear word or proper noun into a new or borrowed mobile phones’ lexicon. Can also refer to the sense of irritated bafflement at the phones original and nonsensical ‘predictive’ suggestions.

Wafty (n), Shortened form of 'Wafty crank' Opportunistic self-pleasuring or frottage, such as may be exploited from the denizens of a gloomy shed, or in a Launderette full of blind folk.

Arsedic (a): Noxious fume emitted from unwashed arse/cock combo i.e. Phwoar, my pelvic region is totally arsedic this morning!

Repulsympathy (n): The combination of disgust and pathos that descends upon you when watching a very, very fat person eating.

Nausephrenia (n): disorder resulting from the overconsumption of Stella Artois.

Clateli (n): The assorted clattering, fumbling and beeping you hear when you answer the telephone and the caller spends five seconds trying to take it off speakerphone.

Cocclusion (n.) When an ogling opportunity is spoilt by the presence of an observer on the far side of your target

Dimmic (v): To suddenly worry that you've done something, even though to have done it would require monumental stupidity. e.g. to drop off some library books, and then suddenly wonder if you'd left a ten-pound note in one of them which you'd been using as a bookmark.

Lactomangulation (n): The act of trying to open one of those stupid little containers of UHT milk they serve on planes and at service stations, ripping the foil to fuck while failing to access the "milk", until finally the whole thing explodes in your face.

Prash (v):To quickly do something you said you'd done before anyone realises you haven't done it, or has a chance to point it out. e.g. after sending an email promising an attachment which you forgot to add, to hastily send it in a second email before the recipient has time to send a sarcastic reply

Crapter (n): A badly-scheduled episode of a TV series which sticks out like a sore arse. Crapters include the Christmas special repeated in July and, in US series shown in the UK, the epsiode about Baseball, where knowledge of the rules and players is required in order to understand half the jokes.

Quant (n): the units for expressing how much you desire something.

Troubleyou (n): The pointless WWW that you still have to put at the beginning of some URLS for some reason.

Dribing (n): The state in which you find yourself behind the wheel when you're raving at other drivers for tiny breaches of pointless road rules.

Gingemo (n, contr): A ginger spazmo. Coined to save time in situations of russet headed idiocy.

Twerk (n): In any group conversation about 'Big Brother', the Twerk is the person whose sole contribution is "Oh mate, I'd love to go in there and just, like, wind everybody up and start loads of arguments, it'd be well funny".

Posticule (n): When Hollywood releases a live-action remake of a classic cartoon (with a top star in the lead role), this will be followed up a year later by the posticule. This is the cheap cash-in sequel (usually going straight to DVD), in which the lead role is played by an unknown.

Clurt (v): After opening some milk/Pringles/other foodstuff, to leave the 'freshness seal' partly attached, in the misguided belief that this will keep the product eternally fresh. As opposed to just annoying everyone else and collecting bits of cheese which then fall in.

Hadanza! (interjection): Coded way of acknowledging that someone has just explained your joke back to you, but which sounds like you're complimenting them on making an excellent joke.

Slodge (v): to describe something which is thicker and more sticky and viscous than mere sludge. Mix together oil paint and acrylic paint and varnish to get 'slodgy' paint. Also, the weird post-washing up filth that appears in the bottom of the sink.

Inundoablified : a sense of panic often felt by PC geeks when they suddenly realise that something they have done in the real world cannot be CTRL+Z'ed.

Hyprenocturnia - The euphoric mood enjoyed by all participants at a children's sleepover which lasts until the first argument.

Sludgefuck (n): The thick mud which creates misery for all (except hippies) at music festivals.

Genericizing- To make things more generic but your too much of a management dick to just say generic

Chonker (n) a female breast, usually (pl) Chonkers - thought to derive from the phrase 'smashing set of chest conkers'.

Fabricant (n) - a preposterous lie told to dull people to explain why you can't meet them when you're too polite to simply say no.

Clickle: 1. (v) to manually stimulate the clitoris [already listed in the Urban Dictionary]. 2.(n) the sound of typing on a laptop; (v) to smugly get one's laptop out in a public place and proceed to type on it in a hugely masturbatory manner.

Liquishit (n): When you manage to score an 8 or above on the Bristol Stool Scale.

Fartleberries (n) The small pieces of excrement that sometimes escape when passing wind rather vigorously.

Hapsi - being slightly peeved at something nice happening because you expected something better to happen. Example: you get a blow job off Pam Ayers but are obviously unhappy as you thought you were on for a threesome with Rachel Riley and Natalie Sawyer

Mirabe au pel voincet (n) The French equivalent of the Hollywood cliche of any scene set in Paris to have the Eiffel Tower in the background.

Hurp (v): reverse burp. The resultant action from sharply inhaling whilst simultaneously belching.

Waxmanned (pp): being stopped as you're putting on your coat at 5pm on Friday and asked to fix something before you go. (< Al Waxman 1935-2001)