Listopia

I find intelligence very sexy

How intelligent, though?

Spadger baiting?

Not half.

'bates

A spate of badgers

that lady has gone away now because of some hounding

look what you have done

Is this true? Did she leave a note?

Let's all go on an adventure to get her back, discovering ourselves along the way and throwing Barbersmith off a carpark.

I don't like heights. Will a parking bay do?

Yeah that's fine.

That's involves going out searching for somewhere. Can we not just leg him up in his garage?

Why do you want me dead? WHY?

You are a reject. You must die.

All norms must die.That is the law.

This will be number one, mark my words you batties.

....unless the batties thumb it down.

HOw the FUCK can you thumb this down? Intimidation? Jealousy?

She was on 8 Out of 10 Cats not so long back. You know when someone does a funny and the camera cuts to one of the guests? The camera went to her I'd say at least 70% of the time, which out of 6 guests is pretty high.

I couldn't fuck this woman, she's far too intelligent to fall my usual ruses. "No no no, you know damn well what hole it's supposed to go in, don't pull that shit with me." Plus there'd probably be a massive clock in the bedroom somewhere.

and you'd only have 30 seconds, which for me means at least 3 times with Rachel Riley.

Gods yes, little saucepot.

I quite liked her in that one where she got hanged.

Ginger women taste stronger

Yes! I thought I was alone in thinking this

When she says 'Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face' it gives me the fucking horn

Mind you, you haven't had any since the fall of Communism in Germany dan.

Yes, she deserves sex

Living proof that day-glo pink nipples really can be alluring.

I love that soft Scottish accent.

And the red hair and pretty face and lovely figure.

Who?

Routy, you don't spell "Ian" like that you know.

I seem to remember Ian Gillan was quite pretty back in the day.

Trouble is of course, she's french.

Woah! Steady, Eddie!

But she is.

What's wrong with being French?

Is she related to Desmond?

i was waiting for the munting granny to get a thumbs to the top

I had sex with a girl in America a few years ago that reminded me of Bella Emburg. I'd been flirting with her on the phone and when I went over to see her boss and do a deal I said I'd take her out. She came to the hotel and when I saw her......

...I immediately realised there was no way on Earth I was going to be seen in public with it so I invited her in, smashed her for a bit and then dismissed her. She was fine with it, bless her.

You insect

You booooooooooooore

OK, for the benefit of anyone else who hasn't grasped this: This girl was beyond hideous. She knew it, I knew it and her husband knew it hence he hadn't fucked her for years. I ended up with my bag drained, she went back to her trailer with.....

...a smile on her face and her boss thought I was some kind of European iron man and did me a favour on the deal we were talking about. Everybody won. I'm proud that I spread some joy and that I was virile enough in those days to get it up with...

...something that wouldn't have looked out of place in a primate enclosure.

Another bonus is that I could wake up spooning John McCrirrick and it still wouldn't be the worst thing I'd ever fucked by a country mile.

Spadger - rest assured she is on the some website somewhere telling exactly the same story about him.

She probably said that she enveloped his tiny little love worm with her tunnel of gratification. She came and pushed him away.

The thing is, Spadger, that not everyone is blessed with drop-dead fabulous looks, perfect tits, a nice tucked-in fanny and an arse you could smash a bottle on. Like you (or as far as you would have us believe). Some birds are just....

....fucking vile in every way and its those pathetic miscreant that even people like me - hunchbacked, smelly, deformed in every imaginable way - take pity on and give the occasional smash to. They're happy, we have empty balls. What's not to love?

...If you ever want to be as truly attractive as you are convinced you are on face value then you need to drop the vanity and, dare I say it, become funny. Looks fade but a boring vain cunt will always be just that. Maybe get a cat..........errrr.

You would do well to pay heed to routine young lady.

What is it about dimples that just make you want to fuck someone's head off?

Thumb down? Was that a WOMAN, a GAY or a MENTAL?

It wasn't me, but I must say that whilst I liked her in Blink, with that new haircut she looks bad.

What is it about having the body of a 12 year-old boy that just make you want to fuck someone's head off?

You have returned! I'm scared

Phwoooar

In "Sleepy Hollow", definitely.

See also Buffalo 66 :)

Or The Addams Family.

It's dead, you know.

Did he?

You are grammatically mental. But, in answer to your question, I have to admit that I don't actually know if Ken Dodd's dad HAS a dog, or even if Ken Dodd's dad himself is alive. This entry was for comedical purposes only.

Wikipedia has not shed any light on the subject, but considering Ken himself looks like one of the shambling undead, I assume his dad is long gone. Maybe the dog was one of those that sits by it's masters grave until it starves? Poor thing.

'The shambling undead' :D

Having just read his biography, I can confirm that Dodd snr has passed on. There is no mention of a childhood pet. He did have a bike though, hence the teeth.

That's reassuring to know.

Or in Dangerous Liaisons, for that matter.

"Miaow."

Why on earth did anybody thumb this up?

Some of us really mean it. It's all or nothing.

By Jove!

Narcissism is fucking horny, I'll give you that.

You probably mean Nazism

Ich bin eine attraktive lady.

Oh Barbs, you card...

Thumb-up on behalf of my fella, who would merrily smash the shit out of her.

She is so hot it hurts.

Her voice makes me want to force sharp things into her eyes. STOP TALKING!

I like it when they don't fix their noses. The Jews, I mean.

She's the Bravissimo model, if anyone's interested: http://www.celebwallpaper.org/cat-heather-crook-2522.htm

Hah, I have a massive crush on Heather. I thought I was the only one. Should be in the top 5 of this list.

http://images.bravissimo.com/products/bp-au41tia-large.jpg .. *swoon*

Says 'mmmm... Pretty lady' in best Homer voice. Like a kind of best of both worlds cross between Myleene Klass and Kelly Brook

My dad used to say that the word Bravissimo was Italian for "hey there, big tits." He's currently on remand in Naples.

They, like me, are a firm supporter of the larger bosom.

I know I've added a few ladies to this list, but Heather should be #1 by an arm and a massive, extremely erect, third leg.

She has lovely breasts

I would big bang her.

and also an anagram an anagram of "a cloaca key."

Fat titted valleys slag. I'd mine her coal hole any day.

Before anybody even thinks of thumbing this down, I present exhibit A. http://hungeree.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/mila_kunis_esquire_003.jpg

Lesbo scene in black swan with jewish waif Portman. Almost as good as the prolonged Bellucci rape scene in Irreversible.

Yes! Originally only intended to be on the show as a guest model (getting her arse moulded in fibreglass for something or other I think). Then they gave her a full time gig

Yes indeed.

I would happily risk ginger offspring for a go on her.

http://youtu.be/ykhSLNlx3n0?t=14s here u go

Oh, Log's back.

I would

Yes, she doth.

I thumbed this down i'm afraid. She's about as alluring as the broken ribcage of some roadkill.

Harsh but fair but true.

I'm not on about the one that Shapespeare was smashing, you buffoon.

EXACTLY

Ok then. Kate Beckinsale.

Pfff...how old are you? Have you even seen any of their films?

What the fuck's that got to do with it? Of course I've seen their films. I'm not just picking names out of the air you FARKIN STYOOPEED CYUNT.

She may be pretty, but in every picture I've seen so far, she looks like a waxwork.

Pretty yes, sexy no.

What if she's moving around?

Still sexy but more difficult to accurately fuck.

Is she available in 'fizzy'?

Definitely not.

Definitely not.

I saw her recently, she's like a ghost

*goat

She'd get it.

She has such dulcet tones.

You don't spell 'Stanley' like that.

She'd get it.

You are all kinds of weird.

Possibly but he's been my idea of male perfection for the better part of 20 years. Everything about him is sex, even as he ages.

My missus has a major thing about Eric. But then I'm hardly evidence of good taste...

I second that. He is pure sex. Preferred him with short hair, though.

I had the massive horn for him in his Man Utd days

Footballers are for gays.

I would bang him 'til both our legs fell off... Phwoar...

I drink there on holiday.

Comment thumbs.

Again, that's not how you spell 'Ron'

If I had been born a girl I would so have had a go on Danny DeVito, television actor with girth, and so after all this modern coitus. He looks like my dad! So, some of the best girls in the world are kinda oke with all wiry hair and stilted growth . I am also proving a vote here, well done to girl with v. complicated standards just like other people might even have all the way across the world. You may not be the prettiest girl ever but despite ur short statur and oether, yea!

was danny devito in cheers?

i think so!

also he was in an wall st film an dh he had sex with very severe girls who were opposing him and then he GUTTED A SALT MINE or a petrolium mine or?> and i knew then that I would like to also be danny devito when I grew up.

maybe it was the film with irish terror instead, sometimes I get the two of them confus

the long good friday! yea!

they are pretty much the same person anyways.

Victory of capitalism!

fuck you!

haaahhaha

a sort of short and exhausted HAN SOLO

(note: i am not round at all, it is a constant struggle)

yea, if I was a girl I would definitely let danny devito fuck me

ok good job rhea perlman, best wife good friend

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9SG-zYvPjk

http://youtu.be/MfL7STmWZ1c?t=29s

um also i vote for rhe perlman

Until she opens her mouth, obviously.

A selection of artfully arranged coat hangers would be more sexually alluring than this glorified boy-child. Her face is virtually on backwards and if she doesn't eat a pie soon the force her contracting skin puts on her skeleton will result in the formation of a black hole matched only by the vacuum where her personality ought to be.

You wouldn't say she's an attractive lady?

Shaun, I know your thoughts are easily clouded by such oddments as wooden flooring, but look again at this so called woman - she has no feminine features whatsoever, and her skin is stretched tighter than a drum for want of pies. She must be permanently cold and anyone who eats that little has to be odd about food, and that I just can't deal with. Plus she looks like she's landed from a height on her face and thusly squashed all her features into a sort of pancake of facial horror.

Still, she talks like shes got a plum in her mouth. Not mine, sadly.

I suppose if you're using sex as verb then I can agree.

Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh, hmmmmm. At the time. I thought she was hotter in The Quick And The Dead.

(Not in his current state)

<3

Fivehead, more like.

Ha ha!

I see your point http://www.horrorphile.net/images/the-cottage-jennifer-ellison22.jpg

I can't see a forehead in that picture.

{p} I can't see it either, Tucker.

which means I occasionally get to talk to her in real life, and because she's friends with Mrs SLVA, she doesn't realise what's really going through my mind when I meet her.

"she doesn't realise what's really going through my mind when I meet her" - this phrase could apply equally to any male about any reasonably attractive female

I recommend mentioning this to the wife, then inviting her to try and persuade "Becky" to a nice threesome. This is in my official capacity as self-appointed Listopia Marriage Guidance Counsellor, you understand.

It's already happened several times. In my head though you understand.

Is it true she was named after a cheap hi-fi brand?

Yes. So was Kate Bush.

And Jessica Tandy

hahaha

Bertha Grundig too

And Tim Curry!

ohhh dear, I got this completely wrong :(

OLD school

Well, she definitely looks quite old

I sat through Evil Aliens because of her.

"sat" or "wanked myself to the point of torpor"?

both, clearly.

Aleks Krotoski was much better.

Fools. Emily Newton Dunn was the real Bits babe.

Was she not in Grease?

No that was Meryl Streep.

Does he realise?

STINKS of yeast and she's got nipples like dinner plates.

Mmmm

I would like to kiss her and gently run my fingers through her hair before mooching my hand up her top so that I could have a grope of her excellent chest eggs.

When she's on the telly I make my own sticky white sauce.

Seriously why has nobody thumbed this yet..

I'd crawl a thousand miles across broken glass just to get a sniff of the last schlong that entered her.

Would you taste it?

Course he woud, the filthy little critter.

I'd make sure it was bone dry if it was covered in Lima juice. :)

Wait until you've seen a couple of episodes of American Horror Story ;)

Well, fuck off then.

I would get up to really rude, depraved shit with this man. All day long.

Have you watched any American Horror Story yet?

No, whassat?

New HBO show......Muahahahahahahaha....

Ooh, will have a butchers. Right after I've wanked myself into a frenzy over Boardwalk Empire (Huston's in it)

You still fancy him, even as the weirdy, growly Metal Mickey dude? And I thought I had odd crushes...

This series is better than the last one I reckon. New one up in the usual places today.

Yep Lockers, even as him - it might be residual lust because of how he looks irl. Have you Google image searched him? Fucking hell. Routine I concur, I think... are you talking about BE or this other thing?

BE

Yes I DO concur then, it's been bloody fantastic so far.

Having googled him, I'd have to say no, on balance. A bit too pretty boy for me...it seems I like him better with the mask.

I'd expect nothing less from a Listopian. I'd take him any which way though.

What......you mean......even up the......you know........the........the bum?

Any. Which. Way.

...and a man.

She just has episodic bicuriousness Babs - not a full time carpet muncher

Pah, I'm attracted to people, not their gender.

No way man, he's the lovechild of Colin Mochrie and Tony Hart ffs.

You protest too much. He'll be in your dreams. Or in you while you dream.

Is this some Swedish chap?

I am under absolutely no illusions as to what will happen to this entry, but I love her.

Flid.

You're the flid.

*flaps tiny arms*

Nyoooooo, nyoo, nyoo, nyoo, nyoo young man.

You thumb-downing muthafucker, I'm going to burn down your fish shop.

Haven't got a fish shop. Don't want one. Couldn't be arsed with the health and safety and perishable stock. You are a cunt though.

I am going to buy you a fish shop and then burn it down you shit

That is how Bombay Duck is made probably.

Actually, thinking about it, the thick lump of shit referred to in the Bella Emburg comment was a bit like Beth Ditto.

With all the hair? You are a very brave man, Routy, and you did a kind thing.

Sweet fucking jesus I hope this is a sarcastic entry! It'd be like wanking over a Downs kid..... Although.....*wanks*. Also, Ken, swearing is actively encouraged here. No need to censor your wanks.

When I was about 14, I went on holiday with my parents to the Gambia. It was shit. There was a female Joey staying there, I think she was French and probably about the same age as me. She had fucking massive tits and used to go around topless all the time during the day. I think it's the most confused I've ever been.

I genuinely fancy her. She's shit, I'm the first to admit it, but one can't deny one's horn.

That defense has never worked in court.

I fucking hate her, she looks like a tramp dragged through a bush backwards and then shit on, dragged through another bush and then shit on again.

Are we talking about Emin or Shaun's mong?

Shaun should have abused that mong (he probably did).

I'll never forget when she sidled up to me and whispered, "voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" Obviously it sounded more like "MMMNNGNGGNN MNNNGGN NNGGMMNNGG MMMNNNGGNMM" but I got the gist.

Ha! You're fucking joking, clearly.