Listopia

"I took the wife to Lyme Regis" 'In Dorset?' "Yes, I'd wholeheartedly recommend it."

'I took the wife to Guildford' 'Surrey?' 'I SAID I TOOK THE WIFE TO GUILDFORD'

'I took the wife to Pakistan.' 'Islamabad?' 'Yes, a bit Jihad-happy aren't they?'

'I took the wife to those botanical gardens in London' 'Kew?' 'No, went straight in'

'I took the wife to a village near Epping Forest to see an exhibition of work by Max Clifford, Rolf Harris, Jimmy Tarbuck and Freddie Starr' 'Theydon Bois?' 'I believe they all strenuously deny the allegations'

'I took the wife to Cumbria' 'Cockermouth?' Nah, I just put it between her tits'.

"I took my wife to Kyrgyzstan" 'Bishkek?' "yes please, custard cream if you have any"

'I took the wife to South Wales, and shagged her in the bushes at some nature reserve.' 'Swansea?' 'Yeah. And three ducks. And a curlew. And the fucking Park Ranger.'

'I took the wife to Northern Italy' 'Genoa' 'Course I fucking do, she's my wife'

'I took my wife and her friend Carol to the Greek Islands' 'Lesbos?' 'I should be so fucking lucky mate, I should be so lucky'.

'I took the with to the Eastern United States' 'New Jersey?' 'Yes, thanks for asking'.

'I took the wife to Derbyshire.' 'Bakewell?' 'No, and she can't do blow jobs properly either.'

'I took the wife to a disappointing pop concert in the Far East?' 'Singapore?' 'She was no Janis Joplin'

'I took the wife to Italy' 'Rimini?' 'Honestly, mate, I've been picked her arse hairs out of my teeth ever since we got back'.

"Took the wife to Essex." "Weeley"? "Yes."

I took the wife to an orgy and now I've got an STD. Oh, it was in SE London by the way." "Dulwich?" "No, more like a sharp burning sensation when I piss."

"I took my French wife to Pakistan the other week" "Lahore?" *narrows eyes* "You motherfucker".

I took the wife to Cornwall. "Falmouth". Yes but she claims its Tourettes

'I took the wife to Russia' 'Moscow?' 'Fucks sake let me finish the story first'.

"I took the wife to the middle of Essex", "Havering?", "Nah, just fucked her in the face."

"I took the wife to a town in Glamorgan, it was her best mate's wedding so we drove up in the Jag." "Caerphilly?" "No, we were late leaving so I fucking thrashed it."

I took the wife to a town in Essex. Bradwell?. No he's a bit upset actually Angelina's just had her tits cut off.

'I took the wife to the Middle East but it pissed down all week' 'Bahrain?' 'Yeah, bloody stuff.'

"I took the wife to Devon to try and reawake her frigid libido." "Exeter?" "I didn't even enter her."

'I took the wife to Wales'. 'Bangor?' 'Nah, she had the painters in'

'I took the wife to Budapest' 'Hungary?' 'Yeah, let's get a kebab'.

'I took the wife to Anchorage.' 'Alaska?' 'What's up, don't you believe me?'

'I took the wife to Shetland.' 'Twatt?' 'Fuck you, pal. FUCK. YOU.'

"I took the wife to a DLR station near Millwall for a bit of outdoor naughtiness" "Mudchute?" "God yes."

"I took the wife to a literary lecture on E.M... E.M..." "Forster?" "Yes, I had to break her fingers to make her let go of the railings."

"I took the wife to compete in amateur boxing tournament in southern France" "Toulouse?" "Yeah, she took a dive in the 3rd round".

I took my wife on a spa weekend to Northamptonshire.- Kettering? - well it was mostly healthy options like salads, vegetable juices and suchlike!

'I took my Thai bride on a tour of one of my favourite tube stations on the Metropolitan line' - 'Harrow-on-the-Hill?' - 'That's a bit fucking lascist.'

"I took the wife to Scandinavia. Our hotel was full of ex-Eastenders actors." "Denmark?" "Yeah and loads of others"

"I took the wife to California" "Long Beach" "Yeah she's pretty tall"

"I took the wife up the Oxo Tower" "Was it expensive" "She didn't ask for any money, but the emotional and physical cost to my wife and our relationship could be insurmountable"

"I took the wife and my mother on a trip to southern Holland" "Maastricht?" "Nah, she's pretty easy going"

"I took the wife to West London" "Shepherd's Bush?" "Well she could use a bikini wax"

"Drove the wife to this small Czech town." "Čívice?" "No, we went in our own Accord."

'I took my wife to see her uncle in Australia' 'Sydney?' 'No her Uncle Arthur'.

'I took the wife to Italy for a walking holiday' 'Rome?' 'Yeah, pretty much'.

'I took my wife to Thailand.' 'Phuket?' 'Of course — why d'you think I married it?'

"I took my wife to Edinburgh to see The Scottish Parliament" "Any good" "No they were the worst cover band I've ever seen"

"I took my wife to a swingers' party next to in a park on Chiswick High Road, close to a tube station" "Turnham Green?" "Yes,and they won't stop itching either"

"I took the wife to see Christmas lights being switched on near Hove" "Brighton?" "They were, yes."

I took the wife to a town in Northamptonshire for a weekend of water sports. Weedon? Hopefully.

'I took the wife to Indonesia.' 'Jakarta?' 'No - we flew.'

'I took the wife to buy some cows in Israel' 'Jerusalem?' 'No, we paid good cash'

I took my wife for a boob-job in the Middle East. Jordan? Nah, a bit smaller.

'I took the wife to Belarus' 'Brest?' 'Yes mate, fingers AND tops'.

'I took the wife to the Middle East but we were delayed' 'Kuwait?' 'Yeah, fucking hours'.

'I took the wife to Helmand Province' 'Afghanistan?' 'Not likely under those burkas'.

'I took my wife to Lhasa' 'Tibet?' 'No, to visit a fucking monastrey'

'I took my wife to West Sussex' 'Goodwood?' 'Yeah, I necked a couple of Viagra and pretended she was the au pair'.

'I took the wife somewhere near Penge and fucked her'. 'Anerley?' 'No, she doesn't like it up there.'

"I took the wife to those islands off the coast of Spain." "Balearics?" "Honestly!"

'I took my wife to Southeast Asia'.'Oman?'.'Yeah, it was, like, way cool'.

'I took my wife to Iran where we had rampant sex.' 'Qom?' 'All over her tits AND face'

"I took the wife to Venezuela for a boob job." "Caracas?" "Yes, I've no complaints now."

'I took the wife to mallorca' 'palma?' 'No, went for the full fist this year'

'I took the wife drinking in the West Country' 'Gloucester?' 'Eventually yeah, silly tart wouldn't shut up. 26 stitches.'

'I took the wife to ancient Sumeria.' 'Ur?' 'Go on...'

'I took the wife and her sister to kickboxing classes in a historic market town and civil parish in the English county of Norfolk' 'Wymondham?' 'Actually I knocked them both out pal.'

'I took the wife to South Wales; but the motor broke down on the way.' 'Cardiff?' 'No, fucking gearbox.'

"I took the wife on a frightfully pricey trip to Northern Ireland, landed me in a spot of bother regarding the old flow of cash" "Ballymoney?" "I should jolly well say so."

I took the wife and step daughter from our home near Bromley for a night out near Guildford. "Did you go from Mottingham to Effingham?" No, I think they're up for it but I'm a bit unsure how to ask

'I took the wife to a bird fair in Belgium' 'Tongeren?' 'Yeah, fingered a sparrow n'all.'

"I took the wife on a city break in Holland" "Utrecht?" "No, there's no wilderness in Holland"

"I took the wife to a farm show near Stoke-on-Trent the other day". "Cockintake?". "Surprisingly high actually, the randy bitch"

'I took the wife and her mother to the chemists.' 'Boots?' 'Yes, I suppose they are both quite unattractive.'

'I took the wife to Croatia' 'Split?' 'Yeah, she gobbed off a waiter, so I'm filing for divorce'.

'I took the wife to Qatar' 'Doha?' 'On the first night, yeah, but then she got thrush'.

'I took my wife to a former Dutch colony in South America' 'Suriname?' 'Jones, the same as me'.

'I took the wife to Pakistan.' 'Lahore?' 'Steady on, that's my wife yo're talking about!'

'I took my wife to that big park in London' 'Hyde?' 'Yes, but she spotted me behind a tree'

'I took the wife to Thailand on a sex holiday' 'To Bangkok?' 'What else?'.

'I took the wife to Venezuela even though I couldn't afford it' 'Caracas?' 'Yeah, must have been'.

'I took my wife and daughter to the Isle of Wight' 'Cowes?' 'Yeah, they're both bloody bitches'.

'I want to take the wife on a relaxing holiday in Eastern Europe' 'Bucharest?' 'I'll go on expedia when I go home'

'I took the wife to a religious culinary course in Warwickshire' 'Nuneaton?' 'We're not bloody cannibals'

'I took the wife to her new job as a Human Resource executive in the mid-West' 'Kansas?' 'Yes but she also hires people'

"I took the wife to the travel agents for a relaxing holiday in Romania" 'Bucharest?' "Yes, that was the idea"

"I took the wife to India" "New Delhi?" "No, she kept her clothes on."

'I took the wife to Essex. She wanted to visit relatives. She has two male cousins there but only had time to visit one so had to choose. They both live in the same small town.' 'Billericay?' 'Yes. That was her dilemma.'

'I took the wife to a town in Wiltshire to buy some spuds.' 'Chippenham?' 'No. We thought we'd have them mashed.'

'I took the wife to a hospital in the largest town in north Wales for a breast reduction operation.' 'Wrexham?' 'Yes. It does rather.'

'I took the wife to Mexico'. 'Tijuana?' 'No not really but it was her turn to choose.'

"I took the wife to Perthshire for a romantic weekend away. Stayed in a small town there." "Dull?" "Mate, you've got no fucking idea."

'I took the wife to Cumbria, around the Bassenthwaite area,' 'Cockup Bottom?' 'No, but we did stop there one day to take a photo next to the sign for the town.'

'I took the wife on a book-buying expedition in the Welsh borders.' 'Hay?' 'Yes, it was a good idea wasn't it.'

"I took the wife to that town in Belgium that featured in that Colin Farrell hitman film and she banged her head on an alcove." "Bruges?" "Yesh, it did shlightly."

"I took the wife on a trip to China." "Xi'an?" "No, she's Gloria. You've met her."

'I took the wife to Luxor' 'Cairo next time?' 'No offence mate, but we'd prefer to go alone'.

'I took to the wife to a landlocked former Soviet Republic in Central Asia' 'Uzbekistan?' 'Well, more than the Pakis'.

'I took the wife to Dunfermline' 'Fife?' 'No, I said THE WIFE'.

I took the wife back to Central America. Nicaragua? No, I had my own water,

"I took the wife to the Sussex coast." "Brighton?" "No, she's as thick as pigshit."

'I took my wife to the Indian subcontinent' 'Pakistan?' 'Yeah, I supposed so, but it's harder to tell that with Whites'.

'I took the wife to Catalonia' 'Girona?' 'We're not living in bloody Saudi Arabia, mate'.

"I took my wife to the West Indies" 'Jamaica?' "No, St. Kitts and Nevis. We fancied somewhere different"

"I took the wife to a classic 2D fighter videogame convention in Morocco." "Casablanca?" Nah, she's a Chun-Li fan.

'I took the wife to Dorset, where she got food poisoning.' 'Shitterton?' 'Through the eye of a needle.'

'I took the wife to Worcestershire' 'Lickey End?' 'No, her religion forbids such practices'

'I took the wife to Burma. While visiting the former capital city she tried calling Spike Milligan on the phone ' 'Rangoon?' 'Yes, but he was out.'

'I took the wife to the Lake District for a boozy weekend' 'Barf?' 'Yes we both did. Me because of the alcohol, and her when I Cockermouth'.

'I took the wife to Virginia the other week' 'Birdsnest?' 'No, I made her shave her minge and ass before we left home'.

'I took the wife over to the US state of Washington recently' 'Humptulips?' 'Big time. Mouth and minge'.

"I took the wife to a football match in North London." "Arsenal?" "No, wouldn't fit in the car, so I hacked it off and dumped it in the garden shed."

"I took the wife to an orgy in Belmesthorpe" "Rutland?" "Oh yes"

"I took the wife for a boat ride from one of the Channel Islands" "Sark Quay?" "I fucking well did."

"I took my wife to the West Indies" 'Anguilla?' "No I want her alive"

"I took the wife to... Watchet!" 'Whoa sorry I was just admiring the cut of your pants... where did you take your wife then?' "WATCHET" 'fucking HELL MATE, you're a bit touchy you fat cunt' "Watch it!" 'Ooh I heard that's nice this time of year'.

'I took the wife to Pakistan.' 'Islamabad?' 'Yes, but the beef seemed ok'

I took the wife to Fife for a swinging weekend. Dunfermline? Well her body was quite tight but her tits were very saggy.

'After much nagging I took the wife to see Buffalo Stance: The Musical. It was near Cambridge' 'Cherry Hinton?' 'Yeah she wouldn't shut up about it.'

"I took the wife on city break to Holland because we're so tired from work" "Leiden?" "Yeah, nearly missed the damn plane."

"I took the wife on a trip to Japan" "Fukushima?" "Who's Shima? I'm trying to tell a story here. Twat."