Listopia

Was poked in the eye by a stonebaked organic olive & rosemary rustic ciabatta during a polite kerfuffle at a Stephen Fry book signing.

Fell down Henman Hill.

Twisted ankle caused by quickly running from Jamie Cullum's set to Katie Melua's at V Festival.

RSI in the quotation-mark fingers

Punched in the face after telling me how much your aga cost

Slipped up on the 'Society' section of the Guardian on the way to Skype your daughter who is reading Development at Sussex University.

Friction burn to the neck from an incorrectly worn pashmina

Childhood heat exhaustion from studio lights, sitting in the audience of the Royal Institution Christmas Lectures wearing a jumper over a shirt.

That BLOODY Le Creuset dish is STILL BUGGERING HOT!

Dropped 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin' into the bath, and got a paper cut on your vag.

Accidentally bought original, rather than smooth, Tropicana and choked to death on unexpected bits.

Temporary facial paralysis from braying too hard at the Last Night of the Proms.

Waitrose Elbow.

Sprained wrist at Glastonbury whilst playing the bongos.

Broke a tear duct weeping to Eva Cassidy's Over the Rainbow.

Dizziness and slight disorientation after going to the local Progressive Jazz session in the village.

Sprained jaw from grunting and hollering at the World Cup like you imagine the proles do, despite having no interest in sports.

Sneer-induced facial injury on train from having to sit opposite somebody with a shit laptop. Or one that's better than yours. Or the same as yours.

Calzone backfire

Sunburnt on untanned area of wrist where watch has been taken off for sailing lessons.

Kicked in the face for standing too close to some people doing Capoeira.

Sprained index finger while trying to "hi-five" only black friend in a show of solidarity for hip-hop culture.

Burns from careless rushing in the kitchen, whilst trying to emulate 'Nigella Express' - instead of phoning for a pizza like any normal person.

Slipping on Toby's spilt breakfast granola and banging your head on your new Bang & Olufsen lightswitch.

Mental collapse due to too much 'Brain Training'

Sympathy fatigue from time spent with friends whose parents didn't buy them their first property.

Broke a leg, luvvie

Forced to go 'eurgh' after tasting incorrectly sugared tea.

Friction burn to the cock through wanking to 'Betty Blue'.

Chapped upper lip through drinking cappuccino on the terrace in February

Crashed your hybrid Toyota Prius into a silo of organic fairtrade mung beans.

Lightly nicked finger on the edge of an especially sharp kettle chip.

Tripped on paving stone when turning around smugly to ensure that people can see you're carol singing with Chris Martin (family friend) for charity.

Sore throat by shouting too loudly at the illegally employed polish maid.

Punched by an irate prole when you were volunteering at the Women's Refuge.

Eye strain from trying to read by an energy saving bulb

Racing on Segway down driveway trying to beat electronic gates before they close, get trapped inbetween gates.

Killed while drink-driving your empties (Prosecco) to Waitrose bottle bank. You feared council-employed binmen would realise you were an alcoholic

Singed by patio heater (while having lengthy discussion about the dreadful human ignorance of global warming).

Damaged vocal chords from singing along to Morcheeba at The Big Chill festival.

Whiplash trying to perfect your double-take reaction.

Tennis elbow from repeatedly taking a particularly heavy tagine out of the oven, plus wanking off your husband as that's all you'll agree to nowadays.

Suffered palpitations during an episode of University Challenge when one's alma mater failed to answer a question on leitmotiv.

A nasty shiner from driving the old Jag into a ditch after a few too many glasses of Nouveau on Beaujolais Day.

Bruised by a ricocheting cork from a particularly effervescent bottle of Veuve Cliquot

Smashed your cock whilst trying "working class contraceptive methods" after one too many Merlots.

Twisted ankle dancing at a Nouvelle Vague gig.

Misjudging the power of your new DeLonghi Prima Donna coffee machine and getting an facefull of boiling hot foamy milk.

Burst blood vessel on learning Gillian McKeith talks pseudoscientific shite, but you've been following her rank diet advice religiously.

Sprained an ankle slipping on the £1 coin you left your Polish cleaner as her Christmas tip

Su-doku burnout

Allergic reaction to springer spaniel hair.

Accidental headbutt on going in for the kiss on the second cheek.

Post tramatic stress after a close miss with a rougue polo mallet.

Chocked on own tongue after attempting to say friends double barreled name too quickly.

Punched in the tit at a farmer's market after shouting at a local butcher about trade sanctions and his complicity in the starvation of millions.

Blisters from the electronic dog massager – used to calm down the family Weimarana after it has an acute reaction to the soya biscuits it has been fed

Sprained wrist from wanking over repeats of Rosemary and Tyme

Old rugby-induced sciatica set off by having to drive wife's ill-fitting Fiat 500 to golf, as she wanted the Volvo to take the dogs to the homeopath.

'Practical Cunt' falls on you from top shelf at Marks & Spencer.

Mouth muscles in spasm caused by pronouncing "bloody" as "blardy"

Limited-edition Guatemalan espresso granules stuck in retina after Nespresso capsule bursts under pressure in the machine

Stubbed toe trying to avoid homeless beggars

Balsamic Vinegar Poisoning

Friction burns to finger after tying up laces on ragged, bohemian ballet plimsolls (on Shoreditch High Street)

got your hand nipped by a labrador while trying to wrestle a pheasant from it's jaws

Agitated larynx/ears after consuming a Fresh and Wild brown rice and millet dish while listening to world music.

Scalded by the superheated crema layer on your massimo gingerbread latte with extra shot of espresso .

Choking on a stuffed olive.

Choked on negative equity article in Times.

Boredom induced coma at gymkhana.

Slipped on a David Niven Biography.

Getting 'pruned' feet after your Miele dishwasher leaked on the kitchen floor.

A flea in one's ear.

DIY accident after saying "Builders can do it, how hard can it be?" Then picking up a hammer drill by the wrong end.

Crashed 4x4 into an overturned space wagon containing a large wicker basket of 100 pots of hummus

Chipping a nail on the polished glass screen of your new iPad 2

Knocked-off block

had a terrible fall whilst skiing with Tarquin

cut myself opening a jar of pickled parpadew peppers

Splinter in thumb from Jocasta's Polynesian nose flute.

Repetetive Train Injury

Grated your knuckles instead of the goat's cheese Parmesan.

Tripped and grazed knee while pushing kids Tabitha and Tarquin in double jogger pram through Holland Park on way to new WholeFoods

Deep scarring on forehead due to removal of knob.

Penis stuck in ferret.

Sprained your bloody ankle falling off the tailgate of the bloody Range Rover while watching the bloody Point to Point.

Suffication as a result of being forced to wear cousins pass down clothes which are too small.

Gasses herself in the oven after reading a bit too much Silvia Plath.

After seeing David Guetta at Hyde Park, fall through a roof.

Killed themselves from shame after accidently spelling houmous incorrectly on their Cambridge University entrance exams.

Tripped over Julie Burchill at Pizza Express during a jazz recital, and lens of Prada glasses smashed into retina.

Being kicked in the Claridges

Tripped & tore gonads on jagged church hall floor tile after going there to hold a council of war about newly-arrived gypsy camp on village outskirts.

Suffered mild vertigo from the high seating position of my X5

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/middle-class-problems