Middle Class Accidents

Bourgeois Injuries

Info n' Chat (2)

 

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Fell down Henman Hill.

1 Comments

I've thumbed this up, although I still have a sneaking suspicion it's some kind of euphemism for what homosexuals do.

November 4, 2008 by exxon

Was poked in the eye by a stonebaked organic olive & rosemary rustic ciabatta during a polite kerfuffle at a Stephen Fry book signing.

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Twisted ankle caused by quickly running from Jamie Cullum's set to Katie Melua's at V Festival.

2 Comments

hahaha

April 6, 2011 by routine

class. MIDDLE class.

April 7, 2011 by jimleh

Punched in the face after telling me how much your aga cost

2 Comments

Simple genius.

August 19, 2008 by Slanko

Ever so close to being true

August 20, 2008 by g-funk

RSI in the quotation-mark fingers

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Friction burn to the neck from an incorrectly worn pashmina

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Slipped up on the 'Society' section of the Guardian on the way to Skype your daughter who is reading Development at Sussex University.

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That BLOODY Le Creuset dish is STILL BUGGERING HOT!

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Childhood heat exhaustion from studio lights, sitting in the audience of the Royal Institution Christmas Lectures wearing a jumper over a shirt.

2 Comments

eViL

July 10, 2012 by Spadger

Awesome.

March 18, 2013 by costas

Accidentally bought original, rather than smooth, Tropicana and choked to death on unexpected bits.

1 Comments

Gak! Unexpected bits!

July 20, 2011 by KodiakJnkpuncher

Dropped 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin' into the bath, and got a paper cut on your vag.

4 Comments

...The recoil from which caused one of the scented candles to set fire to your hair.

July 11, 2012 by exxon

Vag!

March 18, 2013 by Spadger

WILLIES!

November 19, 2013 by exxon

Hair

November 23, 2013 by Barbersmith

Temporary facial paralysis from braying too hard at the Last Night of the Proms.

3 Comments

Some hard braying going on

April 6, 2011 by TheBoyTucker

Some hard braying going on

April 6, 2011 by TheBoyTucker

Double braynbow.

November 19, 2013 by madbloke

Waitrose Elbow.

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Sprained wrist at Glastonbury whilst playing the bongos.

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Crashed your hybrid Toyota Prius into a silo of organic fairtrade mung beans.

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Sprained jaw from grunting and hollering at the World Cup like you imagine the proles do, despite having no interest in sports.

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Slipping on Toby's spilt breakfast granola and banging your head on your new Bang & Olufsen lightswitch.

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Sunburnt on untanned area of wrist where watch has been taken off for sailing lessons.

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Broke a tear duct weeping to Eva Cassidy's Over the Rainbow.

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Hmm.... I'm not so sure about this one- It's mostly scummy 50 year old council estate women who come into my shop to buy this shit.

August 19, 2008 by Slanko

The actress Ruthie Henshall had this as one of her Desert Island Discs on Radio 4 this morning, so these so-called women are possibly char-ladies doing their mistresses' shopping.

August 22, 2008 by jackblatt

Dizziness and slight disorientation after going to the local Progressive Jazz session in the village.

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Sneer-induced facial injury on train from having to sit opposite somebody with a shit laptop. Or one that's better than yours. Or the same as yours.

1 Comments

fab.

July 10, 2012 by Spadger

Mental collapse due to too much 'Brain Training'

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Calzone backfire

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Kicked in the face for standing too close to some people doing Capoeira.

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Sprained index finger while trying to "hi-five" only black friend in a show of solidarity for hip-hop culture.

2 Comments

This would surely be a black colleague whom the subject assumes wrongly is his friend?

August 19, 2008 by jackblatt

and whom the subject regularly bores with misguided chat about Spike Lee and basketball.

August 26, 2008 by whtterz

Burns from careless rushing in the kitchen, whilst trying to emulate 'Nigella Express' - instead of phoning for a pizza like any normal person.

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Killed while drink-driving your empties (Prosecco) to Waitrose bottle bank. You feared council-employed binmen would realise you were an alcoholic

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Sympathy fatigue from time spent with friends whose parents didn't buy them their first property.

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Broke a leg, luvvie

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Forced to go 'eurgh' after tasting incorrectly sugared tea.

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Friction burn to the cock through wanking to 'Betty Blue'.

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Chapped upper lip through drinking cappuccino on the terrace in February

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Lightly nicked finger on the edge of an especially sharp kettle chip.

1 Comments

Eventually someone's going to say, in company, "Kettle Chips are actually complete shit aren't they?" and the whole fucking ruse is going to collapse.

April 6, 2011 by routine

Eye strain from trying to read by an energy saving bulb

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Tripped on paving stone when turning around smugly to ensure that people can see you're carol singing with Chris Martin (family friend) for charity.

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I choked on some locally sourced strawberry coulis.

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Sore throat by shouting too loudly at the illegally employed polish maid.

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Punched by an irate prole when you were volunteering at the Women's Refuge.

1 Comments

prole :)

April 6, 2011 by dandandandandan

Smashed your cock whilst trying "working class contraceptive methods" after one too many Merlots.

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Misjudging the power of your new DeLonghi Prima Donna coffee machine and getting an facefull of boiling hot foamy milk.

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Racing on Segway down driveway trying to beat electronic gates before they close, get trapped inbetween gates.

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Old rugby-induced sciatica set off by having to drive wife's ill-fitting Fiat 500 to golf, as she wanted the Volvo to take the dogs to the homeopath.

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Singed by patio heater (while having lengthy discussion about the dreadful human ignorance of global warming).

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Damaged vocal chords from singing along to Morcheeba at The Big Chill festival.

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Whiplash trying to perfect your double-take reaction.

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Tennis elbow from repeatedly taking a particularly heavy tagine out of the oven, plus wanking off your husband as that's all you'll agree to nowadays.

4 Comments

Spot the tiny bit of personal experience that leaked into that one

March 18, 2013 by KodiakJnkpuncher

I'm simmering with resentment. Not unlike the simmering of a tagine.

March 18, 2013 by rubbishdespot

Or an unwanked cock

March 18, 2013 by TheBoyTucker

Me- (looking at unwanked cock) this is a sorry sight. Mrs despot- a foolish thought, to say a sorry sight.

March 19, 2013 by rubbishdespot

Suffered palpitations during an episode of University Challenge when one's alma mater failed to answer a question on leitmotiv.

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Cut thumb whilst preparing a cheese and red onion chutney ciabatta for lunch.

1 Comments

I've just done this, as I was making my sandwich I was thinking of this list, then cut myself, then realised I'm a plank.

November 19, 2013 by Chazwiz

A nasty shiner from driving the old Jag into a ditch after a few too many glasses of Nouveau on Beaujolais Day.

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Bruised by a ricocheting cork from a particularly effervescent bottle of Veuve Cliquot

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Twisted ankle dancing at a Nouvelle Vague gig.

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Burst blood vessel on learning Gillian McKeith talks pseudoscientific shite, but you've been following her rank diet advice religiously.

2 Comments

Don't you think Gillian McKeith is just going through the motions these days?

August 19, 2008 by Slanko

Comment thumb!

July 10, 2012 by Cretmeister

Sprained an ankle slipping on the £1 coin you left your Polish cleaner as her Christmas tip

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Su-doku burnout

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Allergic reaction to springer spaniel hair.

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Accidental headbutt on going in for the kiss on the second cheek.

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Post tramatic stress after a close miss with a rougue polo mallet.

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Chocked on own tongue after attempting to say friends double barreled name too quickly.

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Punched in the tit at a farmer's market after shouting at a local butcher about trade sanctions and his complicity in the starvation of millions.

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Blisters from the electronic dog massager – used to calm down the family Weimarana after it has an acute reaction to the soya biscuits it has been fed

2 Comments

Weimarana sounds like a German car

July 20, 2011 by KodiakJnkpuncher

I have a Weimaraner does this mean I'm middle class?

March 19, 2013 by charaldan

Sprained wrist from wanking over repeats of Rosemary and Tyme

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'Practical Cunt' falls on you from top shelf at Marks & Spencer.

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Mouth muscles in spasm caused by pronouncing "bloody" as "blardy"

1 Comments

...or "bally" for the higher echelons.

September 14, 2011 by Rimm

Limited-edition Guatemalan espresso granules stuck in retina after Nespresso capsule bursts under pressure in the machine

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Stubbed toe trying to avoid homeless beggars

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Balsamic Vinegar Poisoning

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Friction burns to finger after tying up laces on ragged, bohemian ballet plimsolls (on Shoreditch High Street)

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got your hand nipped by a labrador while trying to wrestle a pheasant from it's jaws

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Agitated larynx/ears after consuming a Fresh and Wild brown rice and millet dish while listening to world music.

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Scalded by the superheated crema layer on your massimo gingerbread latte with extra shot of espresso .

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Choking on a stuffed olive.

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Choked on negative equity article in Times.

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Boredom induced coma at gymkhana.

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Slipped on a David Niven Biography.

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Getting 'pruned' feet after your Miele dishwasher leaked on the kitchen floor.

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A flea in one's ear.

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DIY accident after saying "Builders can do it, how hard can it be?" Then picking up a hammer drill by the wrong end.

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Crashed 4x4 into an overturned space wagon containing a large wicker basket of 100 pots of hummus

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Chipping a nail on the polished glass screen of your new iPad 2

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Knocked-off block

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had a terrible fall whilst skiing with Tarquin

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cut myself opening a jar of pickled parpadew peppers

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Splinter in thumb from Jocasta's Polynesian nose flute.

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Repetetive Train Injury

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Grated your knuckles instead of the goat's cheese Parmesan.

1 Comments

If it's Parmesan, by definition, it has to be cows' milk that's used, not goats'. You utter pleb.

March 18, 2013 by Cretmeister

Tripped and grazed knee while pushing kids Tabitha and Tarquin in double jogger pram through Holland Park on way to new WholeFoods

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Deep scarring on forehead due to removal of knob.

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Penis stuck in ferret.

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Sprained your bloody ankle falling off the tailgate of the bloody Range Rover while watching the bloody Point to Point.

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Suffication as a result of being forced to wear cousins pass down clothes which are too small.

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Gasses herself in the oven after reading a bit too much Silvia Plath.

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After seeing David Guetta at Hyde Park, fall through a roof.

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Killed themselves from shame after accidently spelling houmous incorrectly on their Cambridge University entrance exams.

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Tripped over Julie Burchill at Pizza Express during a jazz recital, and lens of Prada glasses smashed into retina.

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Being kicked in the Claridges

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Tripped & tore gonads on jagged church hall floor tile after going there to hold a council of war about newly-arrived gypsy camp on village outskirts.

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Suffered mild vertigo from the high seating position of my X5

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http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/middle-class-problems

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Split anus from being fucked by your brother behind the pimms tent at the Henley Regatta.

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