Listopia

A rust-eaten speedboat that you won on Bullseye

Richard III

A shirtless man drinking from a beer can in the doorway.

A D-Reg Vauxhall Nova in a harlequinesque array of panel colours, propped up on bricks.

A tatty England flag, free with a copy of the Sun two years ago, now dangling forlornly from a window. In a dazzling display of patriotism, on the eve of any major football tournament, the corner which has come loose is re-attached to the brickwork with fresh sellotape.

Dangerous dog muzzled and chained to a mildew-hued kennel, only allowed indoors to clear its bowels.

The female tenant standing there in a filthy pink bathrobe at 2pm, with a tit on each elbow, hair scraped back, smoking B&H. The parrot in it's shit filled cage inside the dwelling wont stop squarking.

During sunnier times, obese householders sitting on kitchen chairs drinking blue WKD (f) or Kestrel Super (m)

A tree with a frayed rope hanging from the largest branch, which you've not removed in case your 28-year old son ever wants to come home and have another go.

An aged and obsolete Hotpoint washing machine that was dragged out to the back garden to make way for a new one off the state. That is as far as it went, and is now used as an occasional table to place tins of Fosters and ashtrays on.

Stavros dressed as a gnome, weeing continuously into an empty Super Tennants.

Postman picking his way over the metre-high grass, catching tetanus from some jagged and rusting engine parts.

Pizza box Jenga (qv)* .

Naked children splashing about in a paddling pool filled with a 5:1 solution of piss.

A gas meter in its cabinet, minus the door.

A sun-bleached empty can of shandy bass

One-berth caravan parked directly in front of lounge window for the past 8 years, occasionally used as a spare bedroom after domestic barney or cider-fuelled sleepover.

The carcass of a burnt out matress with bindweed growing around the springs

A broken shopping trolley with a wet, empty salt 'n' shake packet stuck in one of the wheels.

Several weathered Thomson Locals leaning against the wall just by the front door.

A veritable compendium of fun outdoor games to delight and entertain any small child, including a free promotional Budweiser frisbee, a Swingball racquet, a miniature Coca Cola Euro 96 football slowly coming unstitched, a doll with no eyes and a Staffordshire bull terrier who honestly wouldn't hurt a fly, usually loves kids and was only being friendly, and anyway she probably did something to provoke him.

A faded (once bottle green) gazebo. Bought for a barbeque and then never taken down again - just left up there all year getting ever more faded and weather beaten like an allegory for our once proud nation. Lazy scuzzy fuckers!

Bits of stuff that look like poo, but you can't be sure.

Who knows what's in the garden? The three clapped-out vans perma-parked inches apart in front of the house make it impossible to tell

Some form of collection agent smashing away at a corporation-funded UPVC door.

A caravan on bricks with blacked out windows obscuring the only doorway. Wires trailing from an upstairs window let us know that someone is getting away with not paying council tax.

Three dustbins nominally assigned to different categories of waste but all filled to overflowing with the same jumble of uncrushed plastic bottles, pizza boxes, beer cans and disposable nappies.

A chipped soup-bowl, part of a dinner set last sold in 1982, overflowing with cigarette-ends beside the door.

A couple of old pallets and a greasy Alsatian

A sofa with cushions missing and a malnourished, boney and shivering dog crouching on it in the drizzle.

Toddlers rolling around in Dogshit, a rusting 1984 Honda C50 Moped with a "TAX IN POST" sign where the tax disc should be.

Beer bottles and cans thrown straight from lounge window towards vicinity of dustbin.

Barbecue fueled by a burning tyre.

A mishmash of Christmas-related lights and inflatables -- in the middle of April.

A pregnancy test and a coathanger

A scorched blackened patch of dead lawn where grass clippings have been burned.

A pair of trainers hanging by the laces over a telephone wire.

A rotting mattress, sporting stains the nature of which you don't even want to think about.

yellowing patches of long grass, hiding a metric tonne of catshit

A fridge, sitting lopsided just off the driveway

Carrier bags everywhere.

A toddler's trike on bricks

Ribbons of videotape (Bad Boys) clinging to a dead, wiry bush. You can imagine it winning the Turner Prize.