Listopia

luvit

sexist

They're such show-offs, basically.

I never realised before that this is an Eric Morecambe joke. Class

Are you watching the cricket Sylvia?

No, but Absolute Radio was on which is heavily laden with that advert

Conducting communion, turtle power! Mopping up the bloodstains, turtle power! Thanks for making my mental landscape 0.3% more difficult to inhabit.

You are very welcome. Turtle Power.

I really do love this.

Lets go buy an ice-cream. Turtle Power.

NOT NOW LEWIS!

I visited my cousin in Lewes a couple of months back. They got pissed off with it pretty quickly...

Was that you that sent this into Adam and Joe?

I do this. If I go to Birmingham, London or Leeds with work for some reason, Carson the Cunts or whoever provides my tickets these days send me about 8 tickets in a little wallet type thing and I'm obessesed checking to see if they're there every 5 minutes. I also have to have them all in order of travel.

I had to put this one in as a filler to make up my five. I don't really have this urge - but in retrospect I, along with everybody else, really should have.

I think when I consider how many younger, disproportionally successful, profoundly talentless little shits there are sitting next to some other cunt on mock the week and getting paid handsomely for it - any irritation that I felt for Brand becomes insignificant.

Yes for some reason I have the names Greg Davies and Mickey Flanagan coming into my head - no doubt I will get pilloried by those who think they are pieces of wonderfulness!

Greg Davies can be forgiven for all things because of his role as Mr Gilbert.

I found out the other night that Mickey Flanagan is actually as shit as I'd pre-judged him to be based on his name, his big stupid face and the sort of people I know who like him. As soon as I heard him speak, I decided there was no need to actually bother evaluating his material.

Brand smells of piss.

I was mistaken about Greg Davies. Have just watched Throwing Cheeseballs at a Dog and it was very funny. If this thread was about him and not Russell Brand then I would aks you to thumb down - but it is about Russell Brand and my comments about him I feel are justified. Russell Brand is still a talentess, overrated, hairy little prick.

Mickey Flanagan is still also a big moon faced twat.

Greg Davies is hilarious. His stand up stuff is OK, but Fast and Loose is where he really shines

Plus he even let me take a picture of him waggling up his middle finger at me in a Tesco garage. The finger was prompted by me after explaining to him that I had a bunch of celebrities doing the same thing.

While Im at it, Russell Brand is a hairy mongoloid shitface and I hope he contracts the flaming penis STD.

And indeed the urge to warble "Leetle Jeem! LEEEEEEEEE-TULL JEEEEE-IIIIIIIIIIIIM!" when meeting anyone called Jim.

I have a fellow friend I call Bluebottle because he has a really common first name (the same as my best mate's, there are 5 on my phone) and his surname also starts with same first letter as best mate. Saves me selecting wrong person when sending texts.

Bluebottle is a fellow Goonatic so everyone wins.

whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatw​hatwhatwhatwhat​?

No more curried eggs for ME!

Please... Don't do that!

Thinks: might listen to the goon show all day

Round the back for the old brandy, there.. If you've got iTunes, there's a radio station that broadcasts them 24/7/365..

You silly twisted boy you.

I do this, except I burp 'barr', then say the word 'stud' so I can have a cheeky swear to myself. Except on one occasion after drinking far too much Coke I buried 'BASTARD" extremely loud at some passers by as I waited at traffic lights.

Burped not buried ffs..

Hope you gave the burpstard a shallow grave.

I now have the vision of you chucking spadefuls of earth in the air at a traffic junction somewhere, shouting loudly "Yeah like that you fucking cunt do you!!" as you pat down the final sod placed on the broken body of your own particular nemesis - who you call Bastard (for clarity's sake)

I will nearly always say "Oo, ello" in a belch. If there's plenty left over, I will ask "how do you do". Once I said "I like to live in America" but that was a one-off

I can only manage 'Yes.'

Rastafari. With emphasis on the Ras if I feel there's going to be enough power in it.

Malcolm Rifkind, for some reason.

My dad will usually belch "IKE", and then say "and Tina Turner" afterwards.

I have to confess I do this as well - people look at me as though I'm tapped cos they don't remember it. The guy that played the character went on to work on Eastenders as the vaguely criminal minded friend of the Pakistani family that were on there.

Tariq.

We were fortunate enough to have someone called Gary working at our company at the time. Oh the fun we had whenever his name was mentioned! Maybe that's why he quit.

If that who they're talking to on the phone all the time?

I resist saying, "Who is this *Gary* character, anyway?" like the Dad from "Weird Science"

What the fuck?! You've worked in the same place for nearly 10 years?! Fucking HELL...

Nearly 18 years. It's different in "the regions", you know!

my 9 year old does the open handed darth vader jedi force gesture on automatic doors

^^^ I was going to put that about doors.

Tough you're too late matey trousers!

I remember watching the Moscow Olympics in one thousand, nine hundred and eighty.

That would work if you were talking about the 1080 olympics

Er ...think it works for the 1980 olympics ...finding it difficult to figure out how it works for the 1080 ones

Because 1080 is in the 11th century like 2012 is in the 21st. 1980 was in the 19th century and there is no objection to years in centuries other than 11th, 21st, 31st etc being said in "nineteen eighty" style.

Bugger I meant the 20th century but the principle is the same.

William of Normandy coins the phrase 'That's one in the eye for Harold': 10 66 Columbus rediscovers America. Builds first MacDonald's: 14 92 Napoleon gets beaten like a Welsh schoolmate by the Russians and Tchaikovski writes the soundtrack: 18 12 London hosts the Olympics for the third time: 20 12

Fucking Coe-laborator

Sorry D - I waited for 10 years to get to the switch over point from the year "Two Thousand", Two thousand and one" etc to "Twenty-Ten". And I look forward to that being the correct usage until my dying day in late 20-hundred.

Jesus not only wept but he dribbled bubbly, almost frothy bobs of mucus too.

Shades of the Ark in Space novelisation

Ian Bastard Marter.

How about shouting, "Pika-Pika!" *before* someone is about to sneeze?

Fortunately, since I travel through Stamford Hill most days that's a trait I haven't inherited.

Have you ever been there at dusk? It's like a Jewish Zombie film.

I certainly have. They're not on the hunt for human flesh though; they're just walking around with their noses in their talmuds, walking into the road without looking. I'm not sure which is the more dangerous.

You blond bastard.

From the future.

Full of wires

Pursuant to this, I discovered today that my local Tesco has Cherry Pepsi Max on half-price. I'm doing excellent shopping.

I shall try this at Tesco today

Laat night, not only did I get some of the best nectarines I've ever tasted but I got them after they'd been left behind by the market stall-holder too. I was doing excellent pikeying and accordingly I claim *double* Mitchell points for my impersonation of Digby Chicken Caesar.

I'm pissing blood sir

Was the question "Who is the most successful Mexican-Scottish pornstar of all time?"

I intend to use this phrase regularly. Also, I intend to use the above comment to justify it.

Comment thumb

I have the same urge when ordering a bacon sandwich, to pronounce it "beer-can sandwich" in a Jamaican accent.

Not so far from the Welsh pronunciation really

MMO - Yes. Nailed. i want to thumb this.

Charlie was voiced by Kenny Everett, fact fans.

How often is this, Spadger?

My gentleman used to find this cute. Now it arouses a mild fury.

I find it difficult not to say "I ain't gettin' on no plane" in my best BA Baracus when I'm walking down the tubey tunnel thing to the plane door.

either that or 'warp 1 - engage!'

Now I've got to start doing this too

I have a semi-genuine Tourette's response of 'fuck off' to a car horn, even if I'm just sitting at home.

Yup, could be way off in the distance but it's still my first reaction.

I go with the less antagonistic "shut it".

I'm starting to think that you and I should get married.

I'm starting to think I should have been drowned in a pan at birth.

Welcome back, sexy!

I'd like to second KJP's comment. But with the words ' you massive cunt' instead of 'sexy'.

Thankyou for your kind words. No thanks, however, to Stav, who left an incomprehensible, yet seemingly endless stream of abuse on my answerphone last night.

He does that. I intend to autotune them one day, and release the sweariest single ever.

Those were terms of endearment Mr B. I'm the only person that ever rings you to check you're not dead or anything so you should in fact be fucking pleased, you ungrateful fat cunt.

Many years ago, kid in my office on the phone: "Hi, is that Vogon?". Which is how Vaughan got his nickname.

Hahahaha, I love the thought of him reading the name and weighing that up as the most probable pronunciation.

And if you say "bum", I'll bum with you.

Also good: yell "SNIPER" if someone near you trips over

I thought I was the only sadact that did that. I feel so much better about myself now!

Haha same here

also 'p-a-r-t why?' 'cos I gotta' whenever anyone mentions the word.

I'm sorry I don't believe you.

Isn't this supposed to be stuff that most people *don't* do?

And for any body (like me) who couldn't remember this theme http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlJ-63g1my8

And this is the one I remember http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9UUeUaXdcs

I like to commentate 'Aaaah - uncontrollable pooing' at such moments

I know it's obvious, but Johnny Cash surely?

This makes my working life very difficult.

I resist saying (but still think it), "They've found me! I don't know how, but they've found me! Run for it, Marty!" Or, alternatively, a la Bart Simpson: "I didn't do it; nobody saw me do it; you can't prove anything."

I do this every time.

"This food needs more dust"

Anybody? No? Dust! I hate Little Britain, but just had to fit that in there!

Powdered cherry kernel certainly is a bit of a classic. Pretty sure most fruit stones from the rosaceae family are toxic as well as unpleasant.

The long Winter nights must simply fly by

Going by the thumb down she's not the only one.

It's quite rude

Oi Wankins no!

It is your name though. It really is.

And he is a Professor of Particle Physics at Queens College

My latest one was "Y? He should be taken into the fucking woods and shot. Did he watch that film we recommended; I really think it's his sort of thing"

It's the dichotomy that amuses me. It's really funny.

I'm not mental.

That's what truly mental people always say

And the sane.

Well it's just that whenever I want to come off my meds and I say "I'm not mental" to the warders they always respond "That's what truly mental people always say"

I like allusions to everyone else's notorious violent criminal past and the shocking things they said they were up to at the moment.

both just odd

odd and dull

bitter and creepy, insignificant little man.

This is like a poem.

If you're a Billy Bragg fan, take a drive along the A1017. When you go through New England I guarantee you won't be able to resist yelling 'I don't want to change the world' in your best Barking accent

…end.

Is "fucking pussies" the job?

Are you Peter North or Ben Dover? And yes I would like to apply.

Mr Hippy, why don't you do the job instead of talking to these twats on the phone? Or is that even better paid.

But I thought you did the hardest job in the world and were unsung heroes and stuff?

Good memory danandnandnandndnandn

Where's their fucking parade eh?

Take the A1017 from Haverhill to Braintree. I can GUARANTEE that when driving through New England you will not be able to stop yourself from carolling 'I don't want to change the world'

I'm working in Harlow at the end of the month - I may just have to take a detour and see...

<belm> *fonejacker

replacing one word for another, like

Sorry, but in my universe any mention of a hose should instantly be met with the joke about the Spanish fireman who named his sons Jose and Hose-B.

Are you an.... Ah-merry-can?

whenever I see an Impala I say 'Impala' in Mayor Quimby's Bostonian drawl 'Im-Paw-Ler'

Mayor Q is ace.

fucking 'Singing' obviously

Aaahhhh now I have visions of you furiously doing trigonometry whilst watching the latest bluray release.

Yes, I suffer from the same unfunny affliction

Or with my children when they ask "Can I have that please?" the inevitable response from my wife's lips is "I'm sure you can have it but the question I think you're asking is whether you may have it" - if I were my kids I'd nut the pedantic bitch.

No, she's giving them the upbringing they need to handle life in the exciting new Britain of the 1950s

...or bumming.

He didn't say where the eggs were.

That was Andrew Lloyd Webber wasn't it? He thought it was an art gallery, like De Benhams

Spitting Image was, retrospectively, shit. Huh huh, SHITTING IMAGE.

Given that both you and they clearly adored Th****r, I'd've thought you'd've loved it

Thresher?? (was Babs an alki.?) Thrower?? (secret gardener?) Thumper?? (Bambi fanatic??), Thumber (Hitchhiker or Listopian lover even then??), Thinker (lover of classic sculpture.?)

Keep going

Clue: 'Ruthless, unfeeling dictator/Mends roof with dried grass'

Did they really love her? *reconsiders

Dan... is Ben Elton (from the 80's) and I claim my five pounds (from the 80's).

charladan -

Yeah, I spelt your name wrong. I'm sorry.

Do you mean Peter Gunn? Oh no that was Spyhunter I think.

I mean the Outrun theme tune

Guess I'll have to Google it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiWiTXq4yYY

Which theme? There were three.

The one I half remember from my mate whistling it to remind me, in 1989 or thereabouts.

If you're going to have a classic games list, you're going to get unreliable memories from a quarter of a century ago. It comes with the territory

Aaaw, cute Slvia. My 9 year old boy does the same. Bed time.

If you're offering.

I thought your underwear was always either flushed or stuffed into the back of a cistern after your numerous sharting activities

Not any more. That was just while I was on those tablets. I could probably do with buying a few more pairs of underpants to be honest but I'd probably do my laundry less often if I bought more.

F? Lightweight

A friend of mine used to pride himself on the duration, loudness and controllability of his belches. He got pretty impressive at it, too. Unfortunately, all that rattling of his epiglottis damaged it to the point that he couldn't burp without triggering his gag reflex. He gave it a rest after that. Caveat eructor.

It repeats.

The main theme has four notes. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS WORK? Please.

Was wondering that myself...