Listopia

OFFERED: Bic ballpoint pen (blue) WANTED: Bic ballpoint pen (blue) - No Time wasters.

OFFERED: Collection of long lens photographs of Guardian Weekend columnist Lucy Mangan, with eyes and fannies cut out. WANTED: BAFTA

OFFERED: Virginity. WANTED: Woman, or near offer

OFFERED cup of tea. WANTED biscuit

OFFERED: Girlfriend, slightly dirty, with wear around the hole. WANTED: Panini Mexico '86 Peter Shilton sticker, and 'foily' of South Korean team crest.

OFFERED: Best friend (Carl). WANTED: Best friend (Ian).

OFFERED: 1973 K-Tel 'Wank-o-Matic' (as seen on TV), slightly stretched with reduced rpm rate. WANTED: 1976 K-Tel 'Fellate-a-Friend' with rubber 'QuiverTongue' TM attachment.

OFFERED: Comic Relief car fender red nose (1989 edition). WANTED Comic Relief car fender red nose (1991 edition).

OFFERED: A lifetime of love and affection WANTED: The occasional Saturday outing to see my team play without fucking banging on about it for a week afterwards.

OFFERED Arse cherry. WANTED £50. Go on then £25. All right £10.

OFFERED: Pants. WANTED: Vest.

OFFERED: Keith Harris and Orville 'I Wish I Could Fly' CD Single 1992. WANTED: Original Jim Bowen Rap 7" 1991.

OFFERED: Used condom. WANTED: Used flavoured condom.

OFFERED: 5, 7, 11, 12, 13, 28. WANTED: 08, 10, 15, 21, 23, 45.

OFFERED: MINT collection of early 1980s OI! classics by Bigfoot and the Groincrushers. WANTED: Fiesta Reader's Wives Special 2003

OFFERED: My 3 bedroom house in rural Surrey WANTED: Full tank of unleaded petrol.