Listopia

SLERT (n): The unappealing watery residue that forms on top of yoghurts and is usually poured away. ...GRACK

GRACK:(n) The sound heard from various household appliances or parts of a building that emit a noise without any apparently cause. Usage: The TV spontaneously gave out a loud resonating grack from the corner of the room. ...CLERFER

CLERFER (n): In any live band, the clerfer is the member playing an instrument that nobody can actually hear. Clerfers usually specialise in the violin, mandolin or any handheld percussion instrument. ...WOOTANGLE

WOOTANGLE (n): A none regular geometric shape, that looks impressive enough to warrant admiration from a viewer. The Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao is crafted mainly from wootangles. ...QUINKLE

QUINKLE: A piffling amount of money which is saved by an action whose annoyingness far outweighs its value. "By printing the time in our TV listings as 12.0 instead of 12.00, we could save a quinkle!" ...SPRUNT

SPRUNT: (v) a very speedy act of ladywanking. ("I'm sorry, June, love, i've come already." "That's alright, Terry, you go downstairs and get the turkey out the oven, I'll have a quick sprunt before Sir Denis arrives." Terry And June. 9/5/78)...SHILTY

PLARKISH: (ADJ) snidy comment made by physics professors of other physics professors who's timekeeping leaves a lot to be desired, named after the Plark sub atomic particle who's location can only be measured in space and not time...FUNCH

FUNCH (n): the exact sound made when buttocks meet bean bag, at speed....SCHNEBBIES

SCHNEBBIES: (n) Slang term for those people who think it's witty to say 'dot com!' every time they hear someone else use the word 'confused'....THRUMYELD

THRUMYELD: (n) someone who lowers the tone on Mastermind by picking an obscure Tolkien work as his specialist subject, then visibly drooling as his score sails beyond 30. (After a character Tolkien excised from Leaf By Niggle for being too big a pratt) ... ARGLE

Argle: (V) The subtle battle for elbow space on arm rests between males on public transport and in cinema seats. QUILP

QUILP (n): the rash caused by clumsy erotic shaving... CROTET

Crotet: (v). Archaic. A little-used Boules technique involving placing the jack between the back of the testicles and upper-front thighs and then quickly arching the back and thrusting the pelvis forward to project it down the green....CUSTLE

CUSTLE (n) The act of getting a corpse to belch fungal spores directly into one's lungs. ....SAUSPREY

SAUSPREY: (n) A child caught downloading pornography featuring very old people....PLUMMOCK

PLUMMOCK: (n) The best seat available in a communal grouping. Mainly used to refer to domestic seating for viewing television, but also used in reference to public transport, cinemas, meetings, etc....JOXEY

QUIBAGIL: (n) a quaintly expressed threat which, by its nature, indicates that the issuing party isn't capable of following it through (eg, 'I'll knock your block off'; 'You'll get a jolly good hiding') ...CLITCHERY

CLITCHERY: (n) The sense of betrayal felt upon the discovery that your partner is male rather female as you attempt to administer oral gratification....PERIFORTESCUE

PERIFORTESCUE: (v) the ability to predict when someone posh (double-barrelled) is about to enter a room... CHUFFUNCHERY

CHUFFUNCHERY: (n) From 'funch' - the act of flatulence whereby the accompanying noise produced sounds like someone sitting in a bean bag - onomatopoeic. ...FILBREM

FILBREM(n): A recepticle twice the size of a standard bucket, it has wheels and a steering wheel on a pole to allow the user to easily transport of large quantities of eggs or raw beetroot. ...ANDRASPLAN

ANDRASPLAN®: (n) Trademark: a breakfast food made from recycled egg boxes, which retails in Holland & Barratt for £7.99 per 250g ........ BLANTINGS

BLANTINGS (n): the occasional lumps of spunk that are present in ejaculate that prompts recepticle mouths to chew with a distinctly uneasy look on their faces.... SHUNK

SHUNK: (v) The action of returning a trolley back to a trolley park and directing it into the back of another trolley at speed. ..BREEVIS

Breevis: The sense of mild joy when you've successfully hit your superior opponent in a VS beat-em-up match, and not quite been 'perfected'. BLINTHROP

BLINTHROP: (n) the understated and mildly camp tantrum thrown by someone who is too reserved and well bred to make a proper fuss. Blinthrops may be observed in M&S when they have sold out of quails' eggs or big bras....LERMURATION

LERMURATION: (n) The act of passing on an infection or virus via the act of licking the face (usually the eyes) of a stranger on public transport...MORFITTLY

MORFITTLY: (adv) in the manner of one considered a bit of a dick by his contemporaries, but enjoying adoration from an impressionable younger peer group (from Adam MORFITT, mature student at Leeds Met University, 1993-96; bit of a dick, 1965-present) ...PANKER

PANKER: (n) An act of flatulence wherein the virulence, radius and longevity of the odour is out of all expected proportion to the flatus of origin....SPIMMING

SPIMMING: (v) belittling someone by repeating back what they have just said, in the manner of a mong. ..........CRASCUOUS

CRASCUOUS: Adj - a manner of speech where the (elderly) speaker thinks they are being risque, baudy & rude, but are in fact tamer than a Carry On film. ...JAGGLE

JAGGLE: (v) To give up on gently waking a person and resorting to rudely commanding the sleeper to wake up....RANKSING

RANKSING: (v) The act of suddenly bursting into an impromptu dance and song to disguise a disgusting action, such as scratching ones anus, should someone catch you in said act ... PHOLEMBITIOUS

PHOLEMBITIOUS: (Adj.) In the manner of a 'cash for gold'/'injury lawyers for you' advert presenter. 'He entered the room pholembitously, eyes wide, voice loud, shirt louder. Geoff was a prat.' ... BRAMANGIAL

BRAMANGIAL: (Adj) The state of your fingers when you fumble your toast and get jam all over your hands. ... LEBANU

LEBANU: (Adj) The lowest depth of post masturbatory depression...FRONTOWSHETOCH

FRONTOWSHETOCH: (n) An apron of waterproofed leather worn by 18th Century Hebridean fishermen. Now used almost exclusively by Radio 4 presenters when interviewing Roy Hattersley.....GRILKLET

GRILKLET: (n) A german delicacy comprising of minced panda cub and seal flesh....SHLEVALEVALON

SHLEVALEVALON: (n) a tedious little prick who takes several sharp, slurpy inhalations after saying something he erroneously believes to be funny. ....STRASP

STRASP: (n) - An ad hoc method of fastening large items onto a bicycle rack such as a box of laser disks procured from one of those "pre-owned games" type stores. ... AFASTEY

AFASTEY (n) - a Gorgon-like bland white reggae "artist". AFASTEY (adj)- of, or like, an Afastey (n). "UB40 are a bunch of Afastey cunts." PENCH.

PENCH (v): to use one's senior citizen status to excuse antisocial behaviour - casual racism, spurning charity collectors, usurping pregnant women's bus seats, shoplifting, cuffing random children, smelling of wee, etc. (From 'pensioner')... GROONY

GROONY (n) - a "ladycock." "Ther was al so a Bangkok lady boy/ Full lissom and with groony jutting prode." (Chaucer, Prologue, The Canterbury Tales.) FURRIT

FURRIT(v): The frankly ridiclous act of re-hairing a premier league footballers head that has a somewhat over-inflated ego and suprising vain streak. QUALINIL.

QUALINIL (n): The active ingredient in a new line in wet wipes for one's purple helmet for when a blowjob is offered at short notice. BEANOSHITRINOLA

BEANOSHITRINOLA (n) (trade name): a preparation of vegetable proteins and roughage taken by athletes to prevent the occurrence of a 'Radcliffe moment' (From the inventor, Slovakian former tennis champion Ivana Binoshitrinola) ... KARCHITY

KARCHITY (adj) - Originally from Hindi noun "karchi" (seed), and meaning "spunky" or "spunk-covered". 'Behold the once-proud goddess's face - karchity as a plasterer's sitar!' (Baghavad Gita, Book 2, verse 106.) ... LANZEL

LANZEL: (n) A tiny but essential plastic component, precision-engineered to snap under the slightest strain. Built into expensive new gadgets, lanzels flex, crack and break without warning, rendering the item completely non-functional. ... LEIDOLITH

LEIDOLITH (Swiss, Aust. dial.)(n) - the reinforced gusset on a pair of leiderhosen, especially when patching an earlier breech ... CHET

CHET: (v) The art of dodging a bill for a lovely meal that you couldn't really afford in the first place... CRABBIST

CRABBIST: (n) follower of Crabbalah, largely unsuccessful spin-off of Kabbalah, started in 2004 by Bernard G. Crabbe of Kerning Terrace, Brentford. Only other known follower is Hilda Crabbe of Kerning Terrace, Brentford. ... ENCURFLED

ENCURFLED: (adj) The unusual sensation when ones genitalia stick specifically to ones left thigh. ... BORKMORDAL

BORKMORDAL: (n) A peculiar phenomenon exhibited by half-arsed gardeners whereby they set about digging a pond. However, they lose all interest after removing a cubic foot of boulder clay and fill it back in, looking like they've buried a family pet. ... GRONET

GRONET: (n) The Green Hornet to his mates MAXIGINA

MAXIGINA: (n) The Urban dictionaries description of Lockwood's cavernous poonani... AVDAT

AVDAT: (n) Any audio technology/medium that your mate tells you is going to be the next big thing, but is already obsolete before he's even finished telling you about it... YUXENA

YUXENA: A cold fruit juice based drinkable fluid that is barely palatable...FRINKINTY

FRINKINTY: (n) A hot beverage made from recycling old coffee grounds, a bit of cheap instant coffee or even Mellow Birds, and even a couple of old teabags all thrown into a Thermos flask of boiled water which is then shaken vigorously... HETCHGRET

HETCHGRET: The mixture of shame and self-disgust felt when, after rummaging deep at the base of a family-size crisp packet for the final crumbs, your hand and wrist emerge covered in flavoured crisp dust, which you then lick off, grimacing. CARACOURE

CARACOURE: (n) Contemporary school of representational landscape painting characterised by the artist knocking out several thousand identical lake-and-pine-forest vistas with their eyes shut, and bought by everybody's auntie. ... CLENK

CLENK: (n) The noise made by a bunch of keys hitting a uPVC doorstep as a somewhat refreshed person tries to clumsily gain ingress to their household... FATTLE

FATTLE: (v) To moan about the encroachment of the 'Nanny State' on your right to feed your kids nothing but pies, chips, burgers and coca cola. ... CRUNDY

CRUNDY: (adj) Descriptive of the air of ecstatic awakening exhibited by a young teenager having just discovered self-abuse. "Simon's sheets look a bit crispy, that explains why he's looking so crundy this morning"...MIXYFLUD'GESPATOK

MIXYFLUD'GESPATOK: (v) to completely fall apart when encountering an unfamiliar word in a piece of text one is reading to an audience. (from Julie Andrews' reputedly disastrous first attempt at 'Supercalifragilisticexpia​lidocious​' ...... SCHWEE

SCHWEE: (n) The sebum and smegma like detritus that builds up on a computer mouse wheel... PEXYQUODZOCH

PEXYQUODZOCH: (n) The love between two bored men that blossoms when they start amusing each other on an internet site... SCRIVLE

SCRIVLE (v): to take advantage of circumstances to molest a stranger, often in public. "You are charged that, on the evening of 5 June 2010, you did scrivle the plaintiff on the Northern Line during rush hour. Then jizzed up her back at Bank." PIFF.

PIFF: (n, Onomatopoeia) The noise made when you remove the hose from your car tyre valve when using an air hose at a garage... FERFENUOUSLY

FERFENUOUSLY (adv)... descriptive of sexual activity, used to mean "in a brutal and uncontrolled manner." 'They took turns on Lubbock and abused him ferfenuously.' (Coroner's report.) ... TANSEL

TANSEL: (v) When drunk, the constant erratic repositioning of one leg in an attempt to stay upright. (n) The leg with which one does this. ... MAIRN

MAIRN: (v) To scour the beach with a metal detector at about 6pm near where the donkey rides were in a bid to find some little kid's lost pocket money whilst trying not to feel like an invidious cunt-bubble for doing it... HAGLJAG

HAGLJAG: (n) Sexual intercourse with a much older and uglier person than you would normally go for in exchange for increased dirtiness, simply because you are on holiday; one's partner in such intercourse. ... MUNKLE

MUNKLE: (n) The smugness felt when your mates see that you've pulled someone in a club who is far prettier and younger than the sort of person you usually end up with...HENWOX

HENWOX: Secret DARPA project codename for the 'nano-genetic enhancement' of chickens. HENWOX produced 3 cyber-cluckers, all of which went rogue, collectively murdering a lab full of scientists. They are, to this day, still unaccounted for. FLOUSCH

FLOUSCH: (n) A sexual practice, probably from Germany, whereby several people shoot their load in a woman, she then partakes of vaginal irrigation and consumes the outpourings. (v) To carry out the above act... FIGRITOCULATE

FIGRITOCULATE: (n) SVLA's favourite confectionery bar, which he doesn't suppose you've ever heard of. ... BASSIMAL

BASSIMAL: (n) The foetid funky dark green matter that can be found in the bottom of garden fish ponds... FOXYNIBA

FOXYNIBA: (n) A rare marble characterised by its unusual pink hue. According to folklore - he who holds tightly the foxyniba, holds the key to self-actualisation... SCOLTASM

SCOLTASM: (n) A facial tic that manifests itself as raising the eyebrows and closing the eyes whilst talking... JELIFA

JELIFA: (n) Intimate lubricant made from pork-pie run-off and the finely-textured grey matter that gums up the gears of meat separation machines. Perfect for dogging. VOSICOLIC

VOSICOLIC: (n) (Czech) 1: a primary school teacher, esp. in rural areas. 2: a predatory paedophile. TANKLICH

TANKLICH - That sensation you get when an old injury/sprain makes itself known/remembered again, tho not at full strength, reminding you to not do what you're about to. FLADGEROON

FLADGEROON: (n) A small, often copper vessel kept near the beds in 19th century brothels into which ladies of the night would spit after siphoning a gentleman's bollocks. VECH

VECH: (v) A vaginal retch. QUENTICONIC

QUENTICONIC - The property specific to witches and wizard's fingernails that makes them burn-proof. SPUNDERIFISTICALLY

SPUNDERIFISTICALLY (adv.) - descriptive of the manner in which a female porn star gazes adoringly up at her beau who, after fucking her back, front and sideways, prepares to unload his jesus juice on her face. SIDDLE

This is Angusgus's entry but he fucked it up royal like a spaz. Let's move on. "SIDDLE: (n) - The small but unstoppable discharge of urine whilst performing the act of defecation...CRABBICLES"

CRABBICLES:(n) - Frozen crabs on a stick. Popular with Eskimos and other species with limited intelligence...DEFRIMBULATE

DEFRIMBULATE (v) - to cleanse of jism. BRUSK.

BRUSK: (v) To perform a degrading act at a party in order to win a 'pot'. Someone who wanks into a cup and then drinks it because several people said "£5 says you wont", is said to be brusking.

BRUSK: (v) To perform a degrading act at a party in order to win a 'pot'. Someone who wanks into a cup and then drinks it because several people said "£5 says you won't", is said to be brusking... BUTWEZT

BUTWEZT: (v) To really spanner-up posting something to an internet forum or BBS, making yourself look a right numpty in the process; [similar] To make a silly mistake and only realise later when you have no chance to correct or undo it... SPYRNFLING

SPYRNFLING: (n) one showily conversant in the internet language of the 1990s, who probably retros their keyboard with buff-coloured spray paint, and posts with old PC-game cassette tapes playing in the background for that authentic dial-up sound... SNELBOID

SNELBOID: [MS-DOS] Classic vertical-scrolling shooter published by KludSoft in 1992 to cult acclaim but remarkably few actual sales. Warez copy cracked by Spandh3x (Future Crew) available on gopher://kodiak.jnkpnch.org/games/92/. .. LINBIL

LINBIL (n) - acronym "Lick It Now Bitch It's Lovely". By extension, any good-natured heckle heard from the back benches during Prime Minister's Questions. TALLIRE

TALLIRE: (n) - Strap-on shoe extensions worn by Blackrod at official ceremonies which give him the appearance of having feet that are 26 inches long, pointy and turn up at the end...CRANT

CRANT: (v) To politely undermine what your interlocutor is saying while giving the impression you value it. "Weekend in the New Forest? Wow, lucky you, it's lovely down there, so peaceful. We're off to the Carribean next week, aren't we, Brian?" PEB

PEB: (v) To feign recognition. Someone acknowledges you, you have no idea who they are but you smile and say "All right mate, how's it going?" as you side-step them. "Saw an old mate from school this afternoon but he pebbed me." INTERSMASH

INTERSMASH: (v) To purposefully & dramatically drive a job interview off the rails after the sudden clarity that you are not going to get an offer. Intersmashing options include suddenly speaking in a thick Italian accent or feigning Rapture. SCHLACK

SCHLACK (onomat.) - used in comic books (esp. Commando 1982-1989) for the sound of wanking using a soap-based lubricant. "[SCHLACK-SCHLACK-SCHLACK] Are you all right in there, Captain? Fine, Corporal - round up the men, will you?" ("Last Man Out" 1987) TRIMP

TRIMP: (n) Any hairstyle that makes you look like a gentleman of the road... TIXHUBPHONBORKY

TIXHUBPHÖNBÖRKY: Sweden's second-favourite brand of pickled pork-knuckle. Famously featured pop sensation 'will.i.am' in their 2010 "Oh! Härlig Fläsk Knoge" advertising campaign. QUANKEE

QUANKEE: (n) One half of Jonathan Ross's favourite comedy double act. GORBLER

GORBLER: (n) One who likes to be fellated by someone dressed as a high-ranking Nazi officer. ALCATATE

ALCATATE: (n) The black crispy remains of any culinary adventure attempted at 4AM after 2 bottles of vodka. SNUCKLER

SNUCKLER (n) any sexual predator, rapist or stalker who attempts to "make things all right" by cuddling his victims afterwards or sending them a box of Black Magic and a Beanie Baby. HFTI.

HFTI: (n) Hull Fucking Tourette's Institute. BENEHUA

BENEHUA (n): From the Chinese "BE NE(U) HUA" meaning, literally, "called-eagle-chicken". Something described as what it plainly is not, for the deseprate, transparent purpose of agrandissement. Herne Bay a resort? Bene-fucking-hua, my friend!" TILST

TILST(a): The sensation experienced in ones fingertips whilst eating a main course at pizza express using their shit blunt cutlery. ...BOOMERWANG

BOOMERWANG (n): Ostensibly a 'boomerang' but fashioned to look like an Aborigine's circumcised knob and bollocks. EXTRUNIC

EXTRUNIC (adj): of, or shaped like, a big, hairy, battle-scarred fanny. TOOSH

TOOSH (v): To vigorously floss between the buttocks and testicles with a towel in order to alleviate extreme itchiness. PLISM

PLISM (n): Semen about 20 seconds after ejaculation in which it starts to take on a much thinner consistency making it more difficult to balance on top of a closed fist whilst looking for a towel. KAFGENNZ

KAFGENNZ (n): Anything that passes for a towel when feverishly scouting around for something to wipe off some plism (qv). eg, curtain, brother's balaclava, wife's underwear... ANGRIC

ANGRIC (adj): In amateur pornography, for a photo to casually include as many expensive consumer goods as possible. "Sorry love, the photo's not quite angric enough. Could you pop your left leg over the 80-inch TV and rest your tits on the XBox?" GAN

GAN (n): Anything a student will use to cook soup in, in lieu of doing the washing up. ASTROZE

ASTROZE (adj.) - describes a pose with legs akimbo, on all fours, looking back over shoulder with a knowing grin; a "cheeky bum shot". "And Lo! an angel found Mary astroze; and she WAS with child." (Gospel according to St Paul Raymond, 2:iv) MONCE

MONCE (n): The worst kind of paedophile. Not content to ruin a child with shenanigans, the monce will then feed the poor little mite through a mincing machine before feeding the remains to the ducks. SCRITE

SCRITE (v): to penetrate with a household implement. "Look, Chas," I said, "why don't you go out tonight? Cook's out and I'm hoping to scrite your ma up the arse with the wooden pepper mill." ("My Royal Life", HRH The Duke of Edinburgh) DULK.

DULK (n): a man of large build who will make the effort to introduce the dimensions of his biceps into any conversation. AWIRID

AWIRID (adj): descriptive of the superfluous stretching of one's top lip when trying not to sniff something unpleasant .... CLONT

CLONT (n): Someone who wears good shoes. Used to diffuse situations arising from accidental overhearings, such as when a rude twat doesn't thank you for holding a door open. "What did you just call me?" "I said CLONT. Good shoes" "Oh. Ta." PREFOB

PREFOB (v): When you go to hire a garage off the council and you end up with something made out of asbestos and cardboard which is secured with a tin door that could be opened with a can opener. DAFGOO

PLERBY (n): A diplomatic functionary whose only apparent role is to hang around in doorways looking furtive and slightly confused in the minutes before someone of importance arrives. SCRODMESTON

SCRODMESTON (n): On a celebrity edition of a gameshow, the guest who looks as though they need the prize money more than their charity does. "Hosting tonight's dinner party is former Hollyoaks star Paul Danan. For his main, he's shot a badger" TWUNG

TWUNG: (v) to wank oneself (or, in adult films, another) so hard and fast as to be comic. "What happened next?" "Well, Judge, he gave us Jesus Juice and then he twunged himself. It was like a hamster in a wheel." (transcript from Jackson trial) FOLL

FOLL: (v) - What Northerners do under the pull of gravity. EJANOIDIBEVEVA

EJANOIDIBEVEVA (n), (vt): Qu'ranic Arabic, "snooker table bukkake" (from EJ'AAN - "green", OUDI - "flat" (I)BE - "rainfall, shower" VEVA - "spunk".) ... LESDES

LESDES (n): A portmanteau referring to the one out of a couple of teodger-dodgers that you'd shag. As opposed to the other who looks like Biffa Bacon's dad from Viz comic. Or even his mum. ANTISELED

ANTISELED (adj,pp) - treated with antisel. SCHLUP.

SCHLUP (verb) To get the very last bit of drink out of the can/bottle which can only be achieved by tilting your head back so far it might snap off. CRADGLE

CRADGLE (n): an elderly woman, esp. a celebrity, who is a filthy cock-hungry slut. "CRUDGLE LYNN PERRIE IN TOP DECK THREE-WAY FIASCO" (Guardian, 19 June 2007.) ... DRASP

DRASP(n): The unexpectedly croaky first words from the mouth of someone who hasn't spoken for a while, usually followed by them clearing their throat and starting again. FAFNOLE

FAFNOLE (n): That 40 min chore of unravelling the Celtic knot of christmas lights after they had been hastily stuffed into a carrier bag 49 weeks previously. ANTISEL

ANTISEL (n): any of the many common treatments (preventative or curative) for sel. QUEE-QUEE

QUEE-QUEE (interj): expression used by those uniformed drones who are employed to push more passengers into already overcrowded Tokyo subway trains and who, curiously, never get a smack in the mouth for their trouble. (transliteration of 'quickly') .. PLOUCH

PLOUCH (n): contraction of PLumed pOUCH. A chicken's fanny, real or artificial. "Ann Summers have got some lovely heated plouches at the moment, but they're pricey." ... CROSH

CROSH (n): A large, disorganised pile of velvet or bubblewrap. SPRONTLE

SPRONTLE (n): the inadequately closeted gay one in a boy band; another term for "WALSHBAIT" ... STUG

STUG (adj): Of the verve and remarkable frequency with which a now-out gay boy band member will commence his public sex life. PRINGISHLY

PRINGISHLY (adv): manner in which an unwanted Christmas present, esp. a pullover, is worn (from "Pringle" TM). "He was pringishly dressed in a pink sweater which clashed with his customary leiderhosen." (From "My Friend Adolf", King Edward VIII.) TET

TET (n): The reassurance felt when you clout your safety helmet on the low roof of public caves (Stump Cross Caverns etc). The relief is from the knowledge that Daily Mail readers have no say against the evils of "'elf n safety" regs. EXFOMMVY

EXFOMMVY (n): A blatantly ludicrous Scrabble move that somehow isn't challenged and scores an absurd number of points. LARADANT

LARADANT (adj) - of, resembling or pertaining to Robert Llewelyn-Bowen. ... MINSCH.

MINSCH (pl n): Sean Connery's favourite after-dinner treat. ... BOGILE

BOGILE (n): The various mucal detritus that comes out of one's face during a sneeze. PHEARDIC

PHEARDIC (comp. v.): what lesbians do. .... SWENGY

SWENGY (adj) - in the manner of one who highlights the obvious simple mistake of another for the purposes of criticising or devaluing an otherwise excellent and/or hilarious point. ... TERPWICK

TERPWICK (n): The point in an improvised comedy sketch when the two participants run out of ideas and so resort to declaring love. "Why must we abondon ship, sir?" "Because... I LOVE YOU" *bzzz* "Well done Tony and Mike, we've reached Terpwick" GROOB

Groob (n): The reaction made when sucking a lady's breast only to find she is a lousy shot with the underarm deodorant and you end up with a taste of Impulse in your mouth that you can't shift. SMUNBY

SMUNBY (n): Someone who repeats the key word of a clever utterance half a second after someone else has uttered it - giving a surface impression of being in agreement but with the implicit subtext that they'd actually thought of it first. ... PLENCH

PLENCH (n): The flinching feeling one gets when pledging to a charity out of resentful obligation. FILICULE

FILICULE (n.) (Lat.) Son of DADDYCULE. By extension, anyone who is crazy like a fule. ... STUZU

STUZU (n): the disgust experienced by oriental folk upon seeing Roger Waters and/or Pete Townshend, before even getting accustomed to normal level prominent Western noses. PERDRAL

PERDRAL (n): The "persistence of vision" experienced when trying to get to sleep after playing Tetris or Breakout-a-like games for 4 hours. BASOTIL

BASOTIL: (n) a dog you can fuck. LANFTER

LANFTER: (n) A response to someone's witticism that isn't funny enough to induce laughter. Hence an audible equivalent of a smiley in a text, usually characterised by a brief hiss through the teeth. PRONENOUS FORMULA.

PRONENOUS FORMULA (comp n): quasi-mathematical garble which fills the blackboard behind film and comic book boffins to convey how stupendously clever they're meant to be. ........ STUPATE

STUPATE (adj; comp. of STUPid and prostrATE) - so heavily drugged or intoxicated, by choice or otherwise, as to be literally stupid and incapable of movement. "I didn't think I stood a chance, but one rohypnol and coke later it was game on." ... YOOK

YOOK (n; slang): a ukulele; so termed by people who run workshops in this sort of thing in a feeble attempt to make George Formby riffs appeal to the youth demographic. ... FLOSSOP

FLOSSOP (n): A man who is so under the thumb from his wife that it is painful to watch.... AZVAN

AZVAN (n): In US sitcoms, a knowing ripple of cheers and applause heard when a one-episode character enters. Azvans exist to give British viewer a nagging sense that the actor is well-known, forcing them to pause the show while they check imdb.com.

...STROFFING

STROFFING (p pr): The action which ensues when someone at a party who hasn't the faintest clue how to play a guitar says "can I have a go on your guitar?" .... LAMBUSTRIAL

LAMBUSTRIAL (adj) - like "industrial" but built entirely out of lambs c.f "HENUSTRIAL". ... DAUSCHEN

DAUSCHEN (n): An eye-catching advertising claim which is only true in extreme circumstances, e.g. "You could get £200* for your old phone! (*Based on brand new iPhone 4S, unopened, complete with receipt and a bar of gold glued to the box)" PERDACULAR

PERDACULAR (adj): Of being completely and hopelessly lost in France. Coined by B.Tyler and used by anyone who has driven through rural France using sat-nav and found themselves parked next to a pylon after a 2-hour trek down a dirt track...GLARTED

GLARTED (adj): Being daubed in glart...GLART

GLART (n): SLVA's mum's fanny batter mixed up with a hobo's cock-juice. WERTLE

WERTLE (n): Archaic device. A 2" wooden hoop, with a split reed stretched across it, that is inserted into the anus. When the 'wertler' jumps up and down it makes a noise like a swanee whistle...BELFINS

BELFINS (n): The dark blue weals that appear on one's glans penis after the fourth consecutive act of enthusiastic self-abuse in 20 mins. "After a morning on Lemonparty, roundrobin developed a distressing case of the belfins"...GLETID

GLETID (adj): The state of a nightclub toilet at 2:30am after a constant stream of neanderthals have furiously evacuated their lager-and-vindaloo encrusted rectums in the general direction of the bowl, only stopping to piss on the bog roll... FUGWAAT

FUGWAAT (n): a specific type of neanderthal found in nightclub toilets. (origin: a nondescript curse muttered by cleaners faced with the task of cleaning the facilities the following morning.) .... BOFFSTROME

BOFFSTROME (n): a unit of water pressure roughly equal to 60,000 times that of a police water cannon. The required pressure to remove lager-and-vindaloo encrusted shit stains from a nightclub toilet bowl is approx 3 boffstromes...GORFINE

GORFINE (n): The silt that lies in the bottom of your cup when you use the cheapest teabags available. FERINX

FERINX (n): A person blessed with the rare ability of knowing the order to arrange pool balls in a triangle. "Hang on, you've got two reds together there" "Yes, they're meant to be like that" "Are you sure? Go and get Steve, he's a ferinx" BASTORATE

BASTORATE (n): The collective noun for a bunch of bastards, particularly when their collectivity endows them with a degree of authority. ("You have been summoned to appear before the bastorate on Tuesday") ... FLUM

FLUM (Slang)"Got the Flum boss, I'm not coming in plus the missus is fuming because I shit the bed last night" Actually translation is "Im fucked, totally overdid it last night" CUWAT

CUWAT (n): A unit of cuntery. 1 cuwat is equal to the amount of cuntishness exuded by a standard cunt (e.g. TV's Steve Jones) in 1 minute. "Shall we book Olly Murs for the music slot, Mr Ross?" "Best not, we've already exceeded 50 cuwats with Bono" GRAT

GRAT (n): The free cup of coffee you receive at a job interview that is left to go cold because it seems too ignorant to drink in front of them. GLUFT

GLUFT (v): to make a hasty token attempt at drinking a cold GRAT (qv) at the end of an interview, inevitably dribbling it all down your chin and shirtfront. ... BIDGET

BIDGET (n): The small piece of plastic that is responsible for keeping hte battery cover in place on your TV/Set Top Box/DVD Player/VCR remote control. The MTBF of the bidget is about 2 weeks after which, electricians tape is employed. SIEVIXAWNI

SIEVIXAWNI (pl n): Generic term for those annoying pairs of barely legible, nonsensical words you have to type in on internet forms to prove you're not a spambot. ... FRIXIA

FRIXIA (n. medical): The delusion that you will get around to making that recipe in Waitrose magazine after you've bought all the obscure ingredients which just end up steadily going out of date, unopened, at the back of the cupboard... ABTETTION

ABTETTION (n.) - sexual activity involving the frictional stimulation of the male genitalia with a chunky freckly bird's ginger hair ... TERTICS

TERTICS (pl n): The channels at the upper end of the Entertainment section on the Sky EPG which absolutely nobody watches. "Is there really nothing on?" "Yep, nothing. I've even checked the tertics. Sony TV, Information TV, DMAX 2, the lot." GRAGPUNT

GRAGPUNT (v): to fritter away one's dole money on scratchcards or in a betting shop (n: gragpunter). ......... PROOKY

PROOKY (n) term for a particularly wide bored stool. One that takes ages to pass - with one sitting for ages on the bowl anticipating that your ring will be shredded. When it does exit however the backed up movements shoot out in a rush .. FRIBBLE

FRIBBLE (vb): To stick your finger in a otherwise untouched cake or other dessert to sample a tiny piece of icing, custard, cream etc hoping nobody will notice the massive fingermark in it. "Have you fribbled this cake young man?" "No mum.." . PALOSD

PALOSD (n): A particularly stubborn turd which will not be flushed away but sits motionless on the bottom of the pan. After a while the Palosd develops a shitty brown coloured halo around it consisting of effluent juices that have leached out. ORMOCK

ORMOCK (n): 1. The person in everyone's extended circle of college acquaintances who has read a couple of Carlos Castaneda books and a bit of HP Lovecraft, and believes himself to be a wizard. 2. Any sad fantasist with a stupid beard. ... YIFFISH

YIFFISH - language spoken by the large Orthodox Jewish community of koi carp (as opposed to goy carp) in the fishponds of Golder's Green. ... LOOSTER

LOOSTER: The backed up bowel movement that occurs after the passing of a PROOKY (see above). The rapid nature of its delivery means that it is semi solid. The name in itself is a contraction of the two words Loose-Turd..... BUNWEASEL

BUNWEASEL (n): one who takes advantage of crowded public places to surreptitiously touch people's bottoms. (v) to perform such an act. .... DRINGLE

[Too late to edit] Apparently DRINGLE already has some currency, meaning 'drunk & single' (Urban Dictionary) or 'the watermark left by a glass of liquid' (OED reject). Try this one ... PRISTLE

PRISTLE (v) The act of urination taking place in the great outdoors upon a patch of spiky weeds. Pristling takes a great deal of courage especially after dark as you are liable to prickles in the nether regions.....CHINGLE

CHINGLE (v): The act of frisking yourself for loose change when troubled by a beggar only to hit your keys making it sound like you have a pocket full of loose change afterall... PNIDE

PNIDE (adj): describing the combination of ennui and smugness of knowing that the only practical use of one's classical education is being able to inform one's intellectual inferiors that 'actually, the P is silent'. ... PHRAKE

PHRAKE (adj): How you walk after you belt your knee on the corner of the coffee table. JOVORIL

JOVORIL (n) Savoury hot drink usually drunk in large groups at times of festivity. Frequently found at football matches "Eh Jamesy - away and get us a coupla Jovoril's will ya - we're two up against Rangers already!!"...TARTINEDGE

TARTINEDGE (n) - a slutty-looking retard ... FOOFTER.

FOOFTER (n) The man who was charged with the task of going round lighting the street gas lamps in victorian and pre-war Britain - the name derives from the "foofff" sound the lamps made when the lighting flame was applied to the mantle..GLANDOLIER

GLANDOLIER (n) A Venetian state employee whose sole job is to press his erect penis against female tourists and tell them (wrongly) that they are beautiful ... CHANKER.

CHANKER (n) Used in the gay porn industry to maintain everything at full mast during production - the male equivalent of a fluffer. "Hey you Chanker get your twinky ass over here and give Bubba Bear some wood before the next scene" .. DOLLYWOBBLES

DOLLYWOBBLES (n) Routine's mum's stage name. ... YASPISH

YASPISH (adj): Pertaining to a person affecting a regional accent to make them seem more interesting but actually serves to make them more hated than a bathroom full of hornets... SNETSTA

SNETSA (n) that little piece of stringy steak that gets stuck in your back teeth and you cannot work out with your tongue. Lack of toothpick will induce you to try unsuccessfully to use a finger-gurning like a downer as you do so.... GRINSEL

GRINSEL (n) One who leaves traces of their activities about the house because they're too fucking lazy to pick up after themselves... LEZYJERZY

LEZYJERZY® (n. trademark): Deliberately unattractive item of ladies' knitwear which nonetheless props up the manufacturing economy of Hebden Bridge, produced from the yield of the annual Women's Armpit Shearing Festival. ... BUNCULAR

BUNCULAR - like an UNCLE who BUMS. "Louis Walsh has got a real buncular way about him, hasn't he?" ... TOYO

TOYO - (n) A Welsh Toy Boy... BILGESNURT

BILGESNURT (n) - "special" in a Danish restaurant. Your Danish friend,co-dining with you, will tellyou that it's a kind of spiced sausage - then after spending the meal snickering, will inform you that you have been eating Reindeer penis...MASTICUTATION

MASTICUTATION (v): Of a woman to have her nails done to prevent injury when wanking you off... VUNJHE

VUNJHE (v) the act of copulation whilst both parties are attached to a long elastic rope bouncing under a bridge, crane derrick or other such high structure. Sex has to be vaginal however to be considered Vunjhe. Buggery will lead to Aunjhe ...WOOSHOO

WOOSHOO (n): That euphoria when you're about to sneeze and you have to look at a bright light to help it out... JUVIGAH

JUVIGAH (excl.) - What Ginger Spice says when she cums. ... MYRSK

MYRSK (n) ...the opposite of a MILF. Mother You Really Shouldn't Knob. Think Gillian McKeith or Edwina Currie...TUNTIPO

TUNTIPO (n, archaic) lady in waiting whose duties mainly comprised in helping the Lady of the House urinate accurately. ... PARFILATE

PARFILATE (n): The phenomenon of the internet suddenly going at a snail's pace whilst you're trying to confirm the time of something before you go out the door, such as cinema times when the bus is due any minute... DABOK

DABOK (v) The act of trying to hide the fact that you've genuinely been moved by a sad/happy- reconciliation/surprise on TV and consequently have tears in your eyes. Males will protest vehemently that "I'm not crying - I'm not - OK? ...BUTTERTINGLES

BUTTERTINGLES (n, pl): The lexical contortions through which an advertiser or broadcaster goes when they want to mention the Olympics, but aren't allowed to as they're not a sponsor. "In the spirit of 2012", "This great sporting year" etc. DRENGER

DRENGER (n) - YOUR MUM. ... PUSSLET

PUSSLET (n): A mixture of over-ripe soft cheese, rotting potatoes and cheap cleaning fluid. Pusslet was produced for many years for its distinctive fragrance, which was then pumped into the Chilled section of Somerfield. SPONLATCHER

SPONLATCHER (n): On a pub-crawl, a lone bloke you see in your first pub who looks like he's looking for his next murder victim. You then see him in every pub you visit, still on his own and appears to be following you in the street too. BRAILUST

BRAILUST...the shiny halo effect one gets when viewing a bald mans pate from behind if under a particularly bright light source. The effect is amplified by the person sweating or if the skin is reddened....GUTWALLY

GUTWALLY (n) A portly woman whom, against all common decency elects to wear a cropped top... BAHNZUM

BAHNZUM (n): The not-quite -paper, not-quite-cloth stuff that is found under the meat in a pack of mince...THALLAND

THALLAND (n) where all the ladyboys come from if you hail from Chelsea...DARGOT

DARGOT (n) [da'goh]: The bad guy in the film Ricky 4... ACROBEA

ACROBEA..(n) Very flexible sex doll based on the comely , raven haired fifth grandchild of Queen Elizabeth II.....GORGOMOTH

GORGOMOTH ... A hideous mythical creature that feeds off others, based on the mother of the comely , raven haired fifth grandchild of Queen Elizabeth II ... RUTUTUTUTU(T)

RUTUTUTUTU(T..(n): The sound of a Toblerone being thrust in and out of a sphincter..STENG

STENG (n):The feeling of a Toblerone being thrust in and out of a sphincter..QUUNT

QUUNT (n): An unpopular coworker. 98% of missing pens can be attributed to the office Quunt, who spends most work-time posting snarky signs in the kitchen. Quunts are regularly mystified by the number of Toblerones they receive at Christmas. BOZZLE

BOZZLE...Version of popular dice based word game. Bozzle should be played at family gatherings after lunch when too much wine has been drunk and everybody is a bit slurry and sleepy...GLUNKIT

GLUNKIT (n): The sense of warm smugness felt knowing that someone out there is getting soaked after seeing a knackered umbrella forcefully stuffed into a litter bin in the street... PWLLYNTERGOCH'S LAW

GLUNKIT (n): The sense of warm smugness felt knowing that someone out there is getting soaked after seeing a knackered umbrella forcefully stuffed into a litter bin in the street... PWLLYNTERGOCH'S LAW

PWLLYNTERGOCH'S LAW(n) states that if you have the feeling that you have mistakenly hit the "tack it on" button twice then you probably have...TENBOW

TENBOW (TM) Maximum strength Strongbow for the "subs" in the park (i.e. the ones who are always on the bench.) Made in a factory in a windowless cellar in Shoreditch by sad, frightened people who have never seen a photo of an apple ... SHAQ'AAT

MMUFFOUS(n)the little straggly pubic hairs that curl round the edges of the crotch of a swimming costume/bikini briefs when a mimsy is in it's natural untrimmed/unbrazilianed state... CHOIZIN

CHOIZIN (n) From Mandarin CHOI TSIN, "unkempt bush". That branch of Feng Shui which applies to the body of the practitioner and states that, for maximum effect, hair should not be cut nor clothes washed properly (essential oils may be used) ... WRIFT

WRIFT (v):To perform any action at work after 5.20pm in order to look busy. "Could you run a report for me?" "Sorry, I'm wrifting. These emails need meaningless flags setting, my desktop icons all out of line and this pencil's almost blunt" ST BOGGIS

ST BOGGIS - patron saint of inappropriately affectionate uncles and "accidental" or "jokey" paedophilia. By extension, an uncle (whether blood relation, friend of the family or "friend" of mummy) of this type ... HEUPT

HEUPT (adj): Of a loft-hatch to be askew giving the impression that there may be a barghest or some such hiding up there and is trying to escape... BESMEAT

BESMEAT (v): To apply raw steak to a black eye under the mistaken belief that it will do anything other than create the risk of an eye infection. ... FLOCKERY

FLOCKERY (n): The act of jeering at other people's piss-poor taste in wallpaper... SQEDAN

SQEDAN..Generic word kept in a locked safe at an industrial plant in Seoul. The marketing departments of all Korean car companies refer to this word (and rearrangements of its letters) to provide all new model names....MUSHNABBIT

MUSHNABBIT (n): A large animal that sneaks into your house at night and farts in your Morrisons wafer-thin ham, hides your phone charger and deletes a couple of things from your Sky box. CLOPHOBBING

CLOPHOBBING (p pr & n): 1. traditional Lancastrian female circumcision ritual. 2.lively neighbourhood party held after such a ritual ... BELLERSNITCH

BELLERSNITCH (n) (v) An impossibly neat and tidy Oriental vagina; the cosmetic procedures creating such an effect. ... SSSSSSSSSSSSSU

SSSSSSSSSSSSSU (n): Onomatopoeiac expresion of a suppressed sneeze ... VELTROPE

VELTROPE (adj): Descriptive of the limbs of a mature lady who really should stop working out, as they are beginning to resemble stripped cable, e.g. Madonna... ADSEM

ADSEM (n)..device used by television advertisers to automatically increase the volume of ads during the commercial break - not realising that most people are too busy clasping the sides of the heads going "my ears-they bleed" to see the ad...BUMPTIE

BUMPTIE (n): A particular old school tie that opens doors for you in all sorts of situations, from job interviews to meeting dignitaries... GABGOWN

GABGOWN (n) A bell-shaped or snorkeliform foreskin, which covers the "gab" (cock-end) like a dress. "Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town/Upstairs, downstairs, in his gabgown." (trad, later bowdlerised to "nightgown") ... RUITSEN

RUITSEN (n) A thick, brown foul-smelling vaginal discharge caused by stretching the anus around an old door knob. As found soaked into roundrobin's mum's Tena Lady pads...PLIZZ

PLIZZ (v): The act of felching using a straw. (n) A straw for such an activity... MOANIDE

MOANIDE (n): A chemical ingested by dreary columnists when they can't think of anything to complain about. "Damn, I'm out of ideas" "Here's Your Moanide, Ms Platell" "Thanks! Ooh, it's coming... God, all of a sudden I hate female chiropodists" RENUB

RENUB (n) (v) Plastic surgery procedure to redefine the Jap's eye. "It was winking like Columbo when he's tired, so I got it renubbed and now I can hit double top on the dartboard on the back of the door." ... POIRISTE

POIRISTE (n) particular type of heavily tattoed neanderthal who goes through life with his bird on his arm. Is continually watchful for anyone "looking" at his bird despite the fact that the trollop is dressed in a fashion that screams it...MUVATUR

MUVATUR (n) : Mythical being with the body of a bull and a face like a cow's arse. They are said to stalk the pubs of some of the more vibrant council estates. DINQAZ

DINQAZ (n): Non-precious stone resembling a bit of broken windscreen. Dinqaz mines are found inexclusively in any old shithole if you dig far enough, where the stones are hauled out for use in crappy children's shoes and QVC jewellery. MILLICHOFF

MILLICHOFF (n): 1. that mixture of random offcuts slung into a tub at the end of the cooked meats counter and priced for the proles @ 59p/100g; 2. an inexpensive but deeply unpleasant meal made from the same ..... WARKY

WARKY (adj) : How Robert Peston talks on the news... HENRUMA

HENRUMA (n) : The stories that filter back to the groom about what went on at his future wifes hen night. Most of which are designed to make Her feel more attractive about herself than she actually has good reason believe. BLUDGAR

BLUDGAR (n): An injury caused from pushing batteries up the anus for sexual gratification... FPANG

FPANG (n : onomatopoeia): the sound of a bra strap being released against flesh ... QUANK

QUANK(n)...Mastubatory activity that has to be completed with rapidity due to the likely re-emergence of the wife when she has just popped down the shops...TAGITU

TAGITU (n): A really piss poor tattoo that looks like it was applied with a fountain pen and a furious stabbing motion. PANTWAND

PANTWAND (n, colloq.): The penis. Popularised on the Hampstead gay scene during the late 1990s when the Great Soprendo's marriage to Victoria Wood was heading for the rocks. ("Piff Paff Poof!" "Oooh, look at the size of his pantwand!") ... PLISH

PLISH (n: onomatopoeia): Descriptive of the sound of faeces gently falling into water. Usually heard three cubicles down that alerts you to the fact someone has heard you farting like a pachyderm when you thought you were alone...SNUKED

SNUKED (interj.) What was said by the pilot of Enola Gay 'Paul Tibbets' after he dropped the bomb on Hiroshima...FLUROBOURBON

FLUROBOURBON (n): A Glowing Brown. The color (sic) of the victims of the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombs...SHOOFER

SHOOFER (n) One of the less terpsichorean members of the Strictly Come Dancing/Got to Dance/Dancing on Ice contestant bevy. Contraction of Shit Hoofer. Think John Sergeant, Nancy del Olio, Russell Grant etc....CROGGARD

CROGGARD (n): an elderly actor employed by the Yorkshire Dales Tourist Board to put a dampener on any simple pleasantries expressed to him by passing tourists. ("Lovely weather, isn't it?" ... "Aye. 'Appen we'll pay for this later on!") .... MACHITY

MACHITY (adj.) - a "down home" adjective describing the roughness of a hillbilly, banjo-pickin' cock as it breaches virgin business fisherman "ass". VUVUVUTEVITA

VUVUVUTEVITA (n) : The act of eating crispbread noisily whilst watching a world cup match.. ALSAGERWEFT

ALSAGERWEFT (n) - strong, organic West German rohypnol, brewed according to medieval purity laws. ... MUIST

ALSAGERWEFT (n): A liqueur manufactured in the Brenz valley, which has been principally responsible for the Germans losing both World Wars. ... CANTERSNOOP

^ All I can say is it was the last entry when I started posting. How cool is it that a spontaneous pair of interpretations expresses almost the same idea! ADJUDICATION: Next poster - choose either word to continue.

^ The fact that Exxon thinks "a liqueur" and "rohypnol" are "almost the same idea" makes me, on balance, LESS likely to invite him to ours for Christmas. Happy with the adjudication though, ya wee rapist.

MUIST (n)... Adherent of the religion that worships the 12th letter of the Greek alphabet - various breakaway sects have been estiblished such as the Piists and the Deltists but none have attained the popularity of Muism ...CONBORN

CONBORN (n: trademark) A personal hair grooming product from the same stable as that big brutal comb with a razor blade in it. Except this was based on a push-mower and was to be used on the legs. BALONEA

BALONEA (n): Revolting 'food' given to you as a gift by someone returning from holiday. Only available in 'this fab little deli we found', Balonea is the most amaaaazing thing they've ever tasted, despite basically being pickled dog's anus. PIDICATE

PIDICATE (v): to make a show of tasting something unfamiliar, bordering on revolting (eg, some holiday gift food) by means of a 'mynyp mynyp mynyp' sound produced with the lips and tip of the tongue. ..... CANTERSNOOP

CANTERSNOOP (v): To visit petting zoos in order to perve over ponies and horses when they get erections... BENDISM

BENDISM (n) Old name in medical profession for AIDS and other similarly presenting illnesses, before advances of 1980s. "What's wrong with Tony Hart?" "Same as old Rock Hudson - nasty case of bendism. Terminal, of course" "His poor wife." FFFFIS

FFFFIS (onomatopoeia): The noise made by a bus when it pulls up at the stop, its primary purpose being to wake babies prior to boarding. CARNOITION

CARNOITION (n): Traditional Somerset evaporated milk ... GLAMPIT

GLAMPIT...Vajazzlesque decoration of the underarm region favoured by the lower class women of Glasgow. Glampits are pre-eminent over the more usual vajazzle on the basis that they are more likely to be seen than their vom-inducing clunges..STUNKLY

STUNKLY (n): A contraption consisting of a PC which automatically prints incoming emails and feeds them through a shredder, into a recycling bin. Stunklies are used by ITV to deal with free web entries to premium-rate phone-in competitions. BRAMMING

BRAMMING (v) : Using anything other a mallet when securing a tent. Someone using a shoe to knock a tentpeg into the ground is said to be bramming. BLOAF

BLOAF (n): an aromatic silent fart that feels like you're passing a spherical globule of air ..... GUNDY

GUNDY (adj): Descriptive of the aroma that greets you when you open the door of a second-hand fridge on sale. STEFFIS COAGULATUM

STEFFIS COAGULATUM (n): The actual, distinctly unpleasant, condition of a female tennis player's undercarriage after playing a few sets on a hot day, in contrast to the idealised eroticism of that classic Athena poster. .... BIRRIS

BIRRIS (n): Of a major Hollywood remake of an old TV show with big names in the lead roles, the Birris is the low-budget cash-in sequel starring none of the original cast, e.g The Flintstones 2, replacing Jon Goodman with him from The Full Monty. PAG

PAG (n.medical): That emulsion of mucus and dead skin cells that forms a miniature tide-mark around the lips whilst you've slept making you think you've been sleep-fellating a Prittstick... CEKARM

CEKARM (n): The film you recorded 2 years ago that takes up a shitload of space on Sky+, that you'll clearly never watch because you're never in the right mood, but are reluctant to delete. 2011's top cekarms were Hotel Rwanda and Atonement. DEPOSK

DEPOSK.....(n) Name of that Polish deli that opened in a secondary location in your town about four years ago. It offers tantalising glimpses of exotic types of foodstuffs and canned beverages that "you've never seen the like of" before....SNIDGEL

SNIDGEL (n): Someone thinks the giving of wedgies and the 'what's that on your shirt?' nose-flicking ruse constitutes having a sense of humour ... TRUSK

TRUSK...support device worn by medieval gentlemen after they had suffered a hernia.Made from ivory it had the potential to be very uncomfortable and was frequently lined with the hair taken from a scalped Moor to combat this problem....CHINDLEWIT

CHINDLEWIT (n): The sort of person who adds "Did you see what I did there?" when they say something witty. WOMPAGNE

WOMPAGNE (n): Token bottle of cheap sparkling wine supplied at an authentic Australian 'barbie' for the benefit of the 'Sheilas'. (etym. contraction of Champagne + wombat piss) .... CURNATE

CURNATE (adj) : The mood exhibited when something unimportant fails to happen. Mild yet tedious disappointment. IFTIC

IFTIC.....A concerted attempt by a few dedicated individuals to keep going at a list until it makes the top of the "Most Bulbous" category.... CHRORNK

CHRORNK (n): The sound made by a TV remote as it falls down the back of a large, heavy piece of furniture. Usually accompanied by "Aw bollocks" and ten minutes of room rearrangement and heavy lifting to get the bloody thing back. BIDDLEPONG GREEN

BIDDLEPONG GREEN (n) ...Character in Thai version of Cluedo. She's a bar girl at the Patong resort. Her speciality is a certain trick with some table tennis balls. "It was Biddlepong who killed the Farang in the bar with a pingpong ball" ..SHUNGY

SHUNGY (adj): Used to describe a Listopian list that is starting to wear thin. CHIZZLEPANG

CHIZZLEPANG (adj): Used to describe a Listopian list that is starting to wear thin. REQUENTIAL

REQUENTIAL (adj): Describes a series of letters in one's Scrabble tray that look like a word, but are not. ZEGGO

ZEGGO (n - Trademark): Best selling construction toy in the Soviet Union between 1969 to 1974 until Shyeccano hit the stores... GGUWL

GGUWL (n): the stifled half-gulp half-gag effected when the act of sniffing your shoe confirms that, yes, it is in fact dog shit ... BELPHISM

BELPHISM...The sudden feeling that your testicles are being uncomfortably constricted by your pants. The onset is sudden and often unexplained i.e. you're watching telly and are fine - then suddenly even if you haven't moved - it's there...KOOZAY

KOOZAY - 1) (adj) used by people desperate to appear 'down with the kids' which seems to mean 'good' but you don't like to ask. 2) (n) Generic term for any word which seems to have been invented solely to make you feel old and uncool ... TWINTIVE

TWINTIVE (adj): Pointless yet irritating. "I leave the seal partly-attached to the top of the Pringles tube in a twintive attempt to keep them fresh". "Zeebox tells me where I can buy things that I see on TV" "Christ, how twintive" POFFMASTER

POFFMASTER (n): The technical term for the DJ at a school disco who is at all other times, head of geography. FULL JESLARA

FULL JESLARA...Sexual position in which the male participant lies on his back with a jingly bell hat on and the female is on top dressed as Ms Croft from Tomb Raider in the Wall shimmy position making the Lara 'Uh uh' sound....CHEWBUNGA

CHEWBUNGA...A noun descriptive of whilst engaging in physical activity one accidentally inhales the large rubbery wadge of whatever one is masticating when forced into suddenly diving for a rapidly moving ball... ILLYPUNT.

ILLYPUNT (n)What your maiden aunt calls you when you have been terribly stupid. Using the 'rhyming slang' word to maintain the illusion that she has some decorum - despite smoking 60 capstan a day & swearing like a trooper when young.MEALYMUG

MEALYMUG (n): The sort of cunt who can annoy you to the point of murderous rage by doing something as simple as whistling along to EVERYTHING, even a ringing phone. "In my defence m'lud, he says 'Expresso'" "God, what a mealymug. Case dismissed" GULT

GULT (n): An emotion like guilt that has been discovered to be felt by seabirds for their habit of relentless shitting on everything. SOINTREIVE.

SOINTREIVE (n): The act of watching someone in the house opposite who in turn is watching you and neither of you are aware that you are being watched... BOUDICA'S NACHOS

BOUDICCA'S NACHOS- those white triangles that appear on a ladies tatas and mimsy when she has been sunbathing with a bikini on. Strangely they are quite sexually alluring - a bit like a highlighting of the naughty bits..COODYPIM

COODYPIM (n): A really posh moonshine usually drunk by oiks who have somehow blagged their way in Royal Ascot or various regattas. FLAMPEXITRONIC

FLAMPEXITRONIC-a marital aid, available under the counter in the seedier Anne Summers shops, that increases erectile power by lambasting you to 'get it up you worthless maggot' in Stephen Hawking's voice.- RUMBOKO

RUMBOKO (n)..type of annoying acquaintance that ends every sentence with the word 'fella' - You allright fella? Good work fella! What's that fella? You think I'm a cunt fella? Yes I am talking about you David...fella....MOTIK

MOTIK (acronym): A multi-local authority run campaign from the 90s in the north-west to promote getting on-line. Manchester On The Internet, Kool!... MAQUEPEES

MAQUEPEES® (trademark): Chain of French-style vegetarian restaurants endorsed by the TV personality Ant McPartlin. The project never came to fruition owing to the unavailability of any French vegetarian recipes.* ... PASTICAN

PASTICAN (n) ... container for freshly baked meat and vegetable based pastries. Has vacuum walls for keeping the pasty hot without external heat being applied - thus avoiding the infamous "pasty tax"..sponsored by Greggs....Gorgomoth

GORGOMOTH-huge female denizen of a Miner's Welfare or Working Men's Club north of Watford Gap. Flightless, despite it's large bingo wings. Common cry 'Jayden, Ah've fucking telt yer'. - AMBERANCE.

AMBERANCE - what the emergency services use in Chinatown. cf PREESKA. .... TERTER

TERTER (n): A pleasantly unexpected trouser-stirring which occurs in a situation otherwise devoid of sexiness. Terters are often enjoyed by daytime TV viewers when one team on Bargain Hunt consists of two female students. BOSHFONT

BOSHFONT (n) : A type of pedestal wash basin found in small hotels in parts of Bavaria... NASIDMAQUEJA'ASOT

NASIDMAQUEJA'ASOT (adj) Nkole word which was the winning one for Idi Amin in the 1978 Ugandan National Scrabble Championship. it scored 565 due to both J & Q being on triple letter squares and the 1st A crossing a triple word score....PROSTITISING

PROSTITISING - missionary work ministers of religion claim they are doing when questioned in the red light districts of major cities. "I was prostitising the poor girl, your honour, and she was cold so I let her get in my car. And wank me off." TWIRN

TWIRN (v): To eat in an unavoidably undignified way. It is impossible to eat a whole portion of nachos with salsa and guacamole without twirning the last fifth of the plate, looking like a cross between Man Vs Food and Springwatch. NÃœGALT

NÃœGALT - The most complex IKEA product in existence. It's final purpose is known only to the original designer, as no single member of the public has ever managed a successful assembly. Ships with 12 different Allen keys and a plasma cutter. QUEXXOLE

QUEXXOLE (n): Proto-fleshlight like device invented by the Mayans centuries ago. JOGICUNT

JOGICUNT (n): An extremely cuntish cunt. One jogicunt is equal to 100,000 kilocunts. Scientists claim that jogicunts occur only very rarely in nature, although by complete coincidence six of them have been on the X Factor judging panel. BLOSSOP

BLOSSOP (n): An obese, effeminate male homosexual ("The middle age of blossops is not to be contemplated without horror" -- Virginia Woolf) ... GOUZO

GOUZO (n): The male celebrant of Gouzen, a coming of age ceremony celebrated in parts of Germany. The Gouzo is expected to provide everyone who comes into his parents' shop with a short piece of string. FOURDING

FOURDING (n) ...the name of the group that Simon Cowell has decided will win BGT 2013. A string quartet composed entirely of former Chinese presidents.

CHUNWIGS (pl. n.): anal merkins. ... FANT

FANT(n) Alternative name for a queef - contraction of 'Fanny Fart'.... HESTWIL

HESTWIL (n): The drawer near the phone which you frantically rifle through in search of a pen when needing to write down some important information. Hestwils contain one working Biro, 62 non-working Biros, 47 crayons and a protractor. FRONK

FRONK (n) - in prison dramas, the tubby poof who communicates entirely through raised eyebrows and the sound "Hmmm" - everyone thinks the fronk is an intellectual because he wears round glasses and plays draughts. ... TYQ-TYQ

TYQ-TYQ (n): Indonesian children's game; latterly a codeword used by sex tourists. ... FREDGER

FREDGER (n): In a University Challenge team, the obligatory mental genius. A fredger can be identified by his Death Metal shirt, uncontrollable voice and constant look of terror, possibly due to sitting beside a girl for the third time ever. McPLODGE

McPLODGE (n:tm): Catering term for any dull pedestrian sauce or jus that the proprietors claim has a secret recipe... JAPANTO

JAPANTO (n) seasonal theatrical offering from the "The Land of The Rising Sun". Highlights include Dame Akisara the Dame with the huge pixellated boobies, underwear fixations and whale and seal killing recreations... SUGOFRY

SUGOFRY (n): 1) the compound of oil and sugar that welds itself to your lips and fingers when eating a donut. 2) the combination of nausea and self loathing after eating a whole box of same in one go. ..... QUASTIPULE

QUASTIPULE - to calculate the product of the numbers generated by many-sided dice for role-playing purposes. "Cleric - quastipule your level by your strength score and the sum of the dice. If it is higher than 100 you may one day have sex." TOOPER

TOOPER(n) one of those nights out where you end up semi-naked, completely incoherent and having shat yourself, in a gutter due to drink. "Boy I had a right tooper last night!! It was fan-bloody-tastic!....MISMUNTED

MISMUNTED (n): At a social dance (at salsa classes or similar), to use a human shield when the butch woman with offensive BO and a face like a bashed crab starts heading over for a dance... GARLWAT

GARLWAT(n).. Old Norfolk term for a loose woman ie one who will go all the way 1st time. Shortened format of Garlwatdo. "That there Alice - I took her up the wrong 'un after' young farmers last night - she's a Garlwatdo"... TUBSHINK

TUBSHINK (v): to adopt a position in which it is possible to project a stream of loose stools into one's own mouth ... BLURGERY

BLURGERY(v)...the act of admitting that actually "Roll With It" was a better song than "Country House" even if Oasis were actually the shitter band....TINNICHEN

TINNICHEN (n-medical): A medical disorder whereby the jaw hinges make a rather unsettling knocking sound when chewing.. VASHÖ

VASHO (n example)... What an Oriental Poetry Scholar and Neuroscientist fishes for when seeking an example to illustrate the McGurk Effect ...SQUILLNITCH

SQUILLNITCH (n) ...Lacrosse type game played by pupils who go to comprehensive wizard schools as opposed to Quidditch played at the Public wizard schools. Pupils ride along at floor level on carpet sweepers searching for the Pewter Snatch..MADENBY

MADENBY (n) The state of impotent rage felt when you enter a post office and see that people are observing the 'privacy zone' by standing twenty feet away from the counter. Or in a pub when the bar is blocked by cunts sat on stools. PORGEROUS.

PORGEROUS (adj): Descriptive of cunts sat on stools blocking the bar in a pub. "Oi, you just spilt beer on my sleeve!" "Well what do you expect when you sit directly between a person serving beer and a person buying beer, you porgerous tit?" BERIOVE

BERIOVE (v) To cause pain, discomfort or inconvenience to others by being intentionally clumsy / distracted; eg. 'accidentally' spilling beer on some porgerous arse in a pub, or 'mistakenly' elbowing a noisy child in the head as you pass by. GUXULNUM

GUXULNUM: 1) v. To convey insincerity via mumbling; 2) n. a sound so produced, which could mean "how do you do?", "thanks very much" or "I appear to have berioved you (qv). Sorry ’bout that. ’Bye." .... CHETHER

CHETHER(v)...To torture someone by means of chaining them to Keith Chegwin for an unspecified period of time without legal representation. Chethering has become the main aid to interrogation at Guantanamo since waterboarding was banned..FANDONAL

FANDONAL(n) The brightly coloured but excessively thick prophylactics you were forced to wear by male prostitutes in 1930s Paris. 'Je vais payer le double si je n'ai pas à porter un fandonal' CONCORRIFANT

CONCORRIFANT (adj): Reluctant to use a word that marketing cunts want to catch on. "It's no good, Jez. We've been telling Britain to call Philadelphia 'Philly' for 5 years, but they're too concorrifant. Look what happened with 'SoCo'" JOZ

JOZ (n): A DJ booked for a wedding who takes the edge off the atmosphere by having insufficient showmanship to get people up on the dance-floor in droves and ends up with 4 people dancing at any one time... SHETLAND BENVE

SHETLAND BENVE (n) The original name for the shipping area Viking. 'Shipping Forecast' presenter Peter Jefferson kept turning up pissed to work and calling it Shitland Bender. Other presenters thought he was being rude about Evan Davis...RORMY

RORMY (adj): descriptive of someone whose developmental tactic in an argument is to keep repeating the same thing, but progressively louder, in an appeal to the presumed deafness or stupidity of their opponent. ... BLASKARD

BLASKARD (n).. that particular type of stool that sits on the bottom of the pan and no amount of flushing will shift. Even the strongest chemicals known to man will not make a dent in it. Eventually a desperate poke is required to move it.. SORFIDY

SORFIDY (n): The slight panic felt when the spider that was on the bedroom wall has now disappeared whilst you momentarily left the room to find something to catch it in... DRISSE

DRISSE (n): The ambient sound of a campsite after dark. Drisse usually includes the sounds of long tent zips, muffled children's voices disputing the rules of Snap, bowls of washing-up being carried to communal sinks and arguments about farts. WIDWOD

WIDWOD (n. taboo sl.): term of abuse for a bereaved old lady ... SPIMPHY

SPIMPHY (adj): Quick, and with irritation. "The wife came home early so I had to finish my wank with a spimphy clean-up" "The poster said 'SEX!', but when I saw that it continued 'Now that we've got your attention' I looked away spimphily" BLOFF

BLOFF(v)... the action when drinking coffee or any other drink, being consumed from an open cup in a car, of subconsciously waiting for the only bump in the road for 50 miles before putting it to your mouth... CHAWNKY

CHAWNKY (adj): of the obese — convinced that their condition is not their responsibility and that society should pay to keep them in pop and crisps. (amalg. of CHUNKY and CHAWNER, after the preposterous reality TV family) ... SHIFFER

SHIFFER (n) The strange dialect spoken by people who have lost all their teeth before the age of 40 owing to a mix of junk food and non existent hygiene. ANTEBBERIC

ANTEBBERIC (n) Any utterly simple and commonplace activity that is rendered almost impossible by attempting it the other way round. For example taking something out of your left hand trouser pocket with your right hand. CLOOTHAGE

CLOOTHAGE (adj): The built up slurry of sweat and fluff that collects in the groin after visiting the gym in brand new sweatpants....FANZY

FANZY: (n) (of teen- and preteenage girls) unaccountable mass-hysterical screaming and knicker-wetting in the presence of whichever bunch of pimply, autotune-enhanced 12 year-old males Simon Cowell has told them to adore this season. ... SPIRK

FANZY (adj): Pertaining to the wearing of a white t-shirt under a leather jacket in a bid to look cool which inevitably fails because you have a BMI of 30+... JARSOD

SPIRK (v) - the act of fruitlessly pressing the ignition button on your gas hob even though you are well aware there's no hope it'll light the gas - "now I'll have to get the matches - sigh".... FRUNGILY

FRUNGILY (adj) - The style of walking demostrated by overweight/underage mothers who have given up on themselves, demonstrated by the wearing of oversized t-shirts and leggings; "As she walked frungily to Netto"......BLAZUB

BLAZUB (n): A satanist rapper... JARSOD - (credits to SLVA for this - the spacker put it in comments of last one)

JARSOD (n) - a derogatory term for a spouse, partner, child or friend who continually raids the bottle with your loose change collection, for paying the parking meter, milkman window cleaner etc... PRINDIG

PRINDIG (adj) : A contraction of Prudish Indignation. That disaproving pursed lipped thing done by women of a certain age who want you to believe they have never had an 'inappropriate thought' in their lives. Ever.... SLUB

SLUB: (n) Someone whose degree of life achievement is indicated by the fact that they keep a loose-change jar to save up for 'luxuries' and get all wrapped round the axle when someone takes a bit out to pay for household sundries. ... BADISTLE

BADISTLE (n, Math.): The ideal angle at which to position a laptop screen for optimum picture quality, whilst avoiding the reflection of yourself masturbating. Named after mathematician Claude Badistle, who also calculated the Milf Constant. HORBIAL

HORBIAL (TM) - popular shampoo brand in Newcastle and Sunderland. NIKAMIK

NIKAMIK (n): The archaic passtime of stealing Irishmen... PSYCHLONT

PSYCHLONT (adj, Theatr.): Spoken without any trace of enthusiasm, inflection or emotion. Most often used for the closing slogan in supermarket tannoy scripts. "Anusol is now buy-one-get-one-free. (Psychlont) Sainsburys. Live well for less" MOGWINT

MOGWINT: (n) Someone who thinks dropping evil-smelling farts in public is something to be loudly proud of. (From an evil troll character conceived by JK Rowling but deleted from 'The Prisoner of Azkaban' after she sobered up) .... WEDGIL

WEDGIL (n): The act of hitching the front of someone's trousers up to give them "Fly's Eyes".. ESPHOETIC

ESPHÅ’TIC: (adj) inclined to use obscure classical expressions for terms which are served perfectly well by the English language. ..... FUTTERANT

FUTTERANT(adj).. to be engaged in the act of dragging one foot along the grass and looking like a total spacker in an attempt to remove the shite from your shoe that some unthinking dog owner caused you to step in... ENGOUGED

ENGOUGED (adj): Described as being full of something, when it isn't. 'Cadbury's Easter Creme Egg, engouged with Mini Eggs (average contents: Two of the cunts)'. "This series of Celebrity Big Brother will be engouged with stars* (*Matt Bianco)" CONGU

CONGU (n): The resultant effect of starting a conga line that nobody else joins in with. FLAMMO

FLAMMO (n - brand name): A brand of a jar of curry sauce that claims to be "hotter than the Stygian conflagration of Hades itself". It is banned in America, with Homeland Security declaring it "a weapon of ass destruction". BESHTED SYNDROME

BESHTED SYNDROME: The disease caught in office tearooms when people insist on keeping the teaspoons in a mug full of lukewarm water next to the coffee as opposed to actually washing them. SPLOFFUM.

CONGU (n).. a confrontational arm puppet fashioned to to look like a conga eel. Popularised by puppeteer Cod Hull in the 70's and 80's. Unfortunately the act had to be abandoned when CONGU started biting young children's heads off.. CHUNCLIX

SPLOFFUM(n) .... the little bits of spittle that you only realise you are directing into someone's face, when you are onstage, due to the high intensity lighting... CHUNCLIX

CHUNCLIX (adj): When two things fit together perfectly they are said to be chunclix. From the onomatopoeiac description of what the door of a Rolls Royce sounds like when it shuts... MUSTALGIA

MUSTALGIA(n) - that kind of stale, damp smell mixed with the odour of old piss that reminds you of visiting Grandma's house when you were little... NESSIAMIC

NESSIAMIC : (adj) Possessed of the ability to sound authoritative on phenomena which are clearly a load of old toot; descriptive of a Fortean Times journalist (etym. derived from Loch NESS monster)... CLUSTIBULE

CLUSTIBULE (n): The area of free air immediately surrounding a bunch of anal warts. BIPPLE.

BIPPLE (v).. to be engaged in the act of tentative horn tooting - to bipple. When you are not sure if the person driving in front has really done wrong you may give a little bipple.... PROMUNTIGANT

PROMUNTIGANT (adj.) - An openly straight-acting metrosexual man who insists on wearing a snood over a t-shirt during summer months. CATAPLINX.

THRUSTING NECRO-CORPUS BY PROXY (v) - Using an intricate system of wires and pulleys to make it appear like one corpse is bumming another, prevalent in the mortuaries of the 18th century for amusement pre-Xbox. SCIPTRANK.

SCIPTRANK (v, hist.): Of the Elizabethan gent wearing an ostentatious shirt featuring frilly cuffs, to roll up the sleeves before wiping one's arse, just in case. BONKOTHEQUE

BONKOTHEQUE: (n) BBC insiders' jargon for one of Jimmy Savile's aftershow parties. ... DULFIC

DULFIC (adj).. the state of mind you enter when, going to a revival gig of an 80's artist, you sit through 1&1/2 hours worth of all the self indulgent crap they've written in the last 25 years just to get to their 2 hits that were any good..GLUNGHAST

GLUNGHAST: (n) the appalling discovery that the sex goddess you've picked up has spent hours doing her make-up, fake tan, hair and nails but hasn't washed her minge for a fortnight. ... SHINTRY

SHINTRY: (n) Old Irish game which loosely resembles rugby, but rather than tackling players in the usual manner, each player fells their opponents by cracking their lower legs with what is traditionally a piece of broken fence-post... THOIEN

THOIEN... Traditional Norfolk response to an enquiry after one's wellbeing? "How are you and all your inbred children today Peter?" "Oh thoien Mister, jest thoien".... SALABUMDA

SALUBUMDA: (n; contr) The unintelligible mimicking of what you think the words of a song are when you're not sure but want to join in anyway. After the opening of La Bamba - Sala Sala Lubumda etc... MILPRONG

MILPRONG (n): The gap incorporated into the design of 4-pint milk-cartons which causes the milk to pour normally for a few seconds before suddenly gushing out, treating your kitchen work-surface to an impromptu bukkake fiesta. MOCANOBA'S THEOREM

MOCANOBA'S THEOREM (n): A theorem that explains how many people will run on to the dance floor when the DJ plays certain songs such as Saturday Night, Time Warp, Upside Your Head etc. Not to be confused with the.. KARGOKE CONJECTURE

KARGOKE CONJECTURE: The belief that that tailgating the car in front means you win at motorways (Audis only). SKIBBY.

SKIBBY(n) .... what adenoidal Australians call a bush kangaroo.... FENTACULOUSNESS

FENTACULOUSNESS (n) : The joy felt when watching someone trying to recall their dog after it has decided to chase some deer or somethings ... BRISTOL FORCEPS.

BRISTOL FORCEPS (n)... The instrument used by a radiographer to position the lady's tata correctly during a mammogram... JAGHOO

JAGHOO®: (trademark) One of a range of zoo-themed sauces aimed at encouraging Italian children to eat their recommended daily five portions of pasta (See also: Arabbitata, Caribounara) ... TRILK

TRILK(adj): Descriptive of the peculiar speech pattern that Richard Hammond adopts when he believes that he's saying something hilarious... THWAGNASMA

THWAGNASMA...Onomatopoeic word to describe the noise made by a ruler when 'strummed' over the edge of a desk by a schoolboy.The tone can be varied by altering the length overhanging...KLUMPSKY

KLUMSKY (adj) : Descriptive of the dancing style as adopted by newsreaders on charity telethons. FEHUNGLAR

FEHUNGLAR (n): A clumsy, unskilled or careless male porn star. One who has neither the ability nor inclination to use his horrifying endowment in a way so as not to cause injury, offence or alarm... GINGER THRUB

GINGER THRUB(n)... A guilty fap over a raven headed girl that you wouldn't normally fantasise over, but well, when needs must. Examples include Bonnie Langford, Catherine Tate and Patsy Palmer - but do NOT include Karen Gillan... CHINSLIDER

CHINSLIDER (n) : The act of catastrophically falling off your bike as a kid when trying to show off in front of your mates... MANTENNA

MANTENNA: The ability in a woman to detect a guy who isn't operating a 'Gaydar'. .... BEEDERISH

BEEDERISH (adj): Used to describe a woman who looks like she might have a weird pubic hair arrangement. A bastardisation of the words "Beadle" and "Beard"... KARG

KARG (adj): The noise made by a child who has just inhaled some Lego... COMSPLAT

COMSPLAT (n,v)... Premature evacuation all over microphone when video /webcam /Skype sex sessions are being held. Particularly prevalent when is first time with a new partner- that fit bird from Australia... HUNGRATION

HUNGRATION (v): The process by which soil, pollen and other small particles are randomly transported across varying distances by the low-hanging testes of cattle....BROLUME

BROLUME (n): The unit of measure used to express the density of an afro (density + SoulGlo = Brolume)...QUZZLAM

QUZZLAM (n): Name given to the gummy ersatz chewing candy that can be made from boiling school text books for their glue. Coined in the more lengthy and frightening early editions of the 'Protect and Survive' pamphlet.....GENGEFLASTER

GENGEFLASTER (n): Medieval name for the person who's job it was to burn gingers, fearing that they were the devil's offspring...PAPAPAPWANG

PAPAPAPWANG (n): Semi-mythical herb that ostensibly grows at precisely 1000 ft above sea level in the Ecuadorian mountains. When dried and taken as a tea, users report visuals of a glowing extra-terrestrial version of Barry Cryer... KLEEDRABOAM

KLEEDRABOAM (n): A sort of starchy dumpling made from ground wasps nests and flavoured with flakes of dried semen...PHINGS

PHINGS (n): Common things...DROSSTHANE

DROSSTHANE (n).. Colourless and odourless gas that renders a subject intellectually catatonic and unable to resist the charms of whatever the latest celebrity fad is. "'ere that Rylan's well funny innit" ...SPAZKINSKY

SPAZKINSKY: (n) a pub jester whose antics seem to be much appreciated by his entourage of fellow Eastern European construction workers, but just comes across as a loud, irritating dork to everyone else unfortunate enough to be within earshot. ... TEB

TEB (n); What you do with a cigarette on the box before smoking it... KOWGO

KOWGO: (n) Freighted livestock. ... BIEBER (No reverse engineering on this, please. What is the pubescent frig-fantasy's name *derived* from?)

BIEBER (n) the man (or woman) who puts the bleeps in when the stupid, poor bottom feeding people swear on the Jeremy Kyle show. Also does a sideline in pixellating people's faces in documentaries.... SUSCENDIBLE

SUSCENDIBLE: (adj.) Used to describe a cactus that can be climbed....SCHLEDWALTZ

SCHLEDWALTZ (n): A special dance developed by the Germans during WWII that could be performed in confined spaces i.e a shed while taking cover during bombing raids in order to raise morale........SHATPUNG'S DICHOTOMY.

SHATPUNG'S DICHOTOMY.... (n) a thesis by Mr Kam Pung on the faeces colour differences experienced upon eating varying Thai dishes from the luminescence of a Green curry to the relatively subdued shade obtained from a Tom Yam Boran... SHADNOCK

SHADNOCK (n): To crack the very edge of your kneecap on a table leg as you sit down. This leads to a combination of warmth, nausea and euphoria as your brain shuts off your pain receptors to stop you collapsing in agony... OMQERK

OMQERK (pn): The traditional Nordic name given to Ormskirk by the viking raiders of the 8th century, so called as it mimics the noise of a barbarian fisting a West-Lancashire slave.....GRIBBLECHIP.

GRIBBLECHIP (n): A deadlock stage in any game of Pictionary. When the player drawing is reduced to angrily jabbing the pen at an incomprehensible scribble and their team keep repeating the same three guesses, the game has reached Gribblechip. STORGLE

STORGLE(n)... That grim mix of resignation & despair shown by most men when out clothes shopping with their wife or partner - most prevalent when the clothes are for them "Aw do I have to try this on? I'd much rather be playing COD3"....BOMMINANTLING

BOMMINANTLING: (n) in Ebay feedback, an absurd string of smileycon-punctuated hyperboles expressing the simple fact that a trader despatched your goods when they were supposed to and didn't rip you off ... PLUSTY

PLUSTY (adj): When a young lady of 'over-ample' proportions is enraged with lust she is said to be 'plusty', medical dictionaries list the major symptom as outer labia reminiscent of a walrus begging for a pilchard....GLOZZARD.

GLOZZARD (n): A woman who has the capacity to deep-throat such massive cocks you begin to think it's just a camera trick... MOBIAG

MOBIAG (n).. A type of handbag where both inside and outside of the bag were one and the same. These were briefly very popular with celebrities but died out quickly due to them not actually being able to hold anything inside them... FURFLADER

FURFLADER (n): The feeling of frustration caused by having to do something that undoes some or all of the good work you've just done. Furflader is often felt when you get out of the bath, and then suddenly realise you need a poo. GRAMPOMPTUOUS

GRAMPOMPTUOUS (adj).. Describing a person who is particularly pedantic about spelling, punctuation etc. See also Listopian and L. Truss.... CINNILONGUS

CINNILONGUS (adj) - Oral stimulation of the poop-hole....GUBBLESNIP

GUBBLESNIP (n) That sensation you get when you know you've swallowed something (food, pills, etc.), but it's hit your throat on the way down and feels stuck there. SNUFFLEDASHER.. (credit to the hippy on this - I've just resited for list ordering)

SNUFFLEDASHER (n): On Come Dine With Me, the after-dinner 'entertainment' consisting of a hugely awkward live performance from the host's crap singer-songwriter niece, who honks a ballad two feet away from the guests in the tiny living room. BLOSHER

BLOSHER (n) the red makeup that ladies of a certain age put on their faces to highlight their cheekbones. However due to their failing eyesight and waning motor skills, it has the effect of making them look like the Stephen King clown. TAMBASPLINTER

TAMBASPLINTER (n): An injury sustained by the sort of percussionist who makes up a total lack of ability by vigorously braying the shit out of his drums. APPLAHAI'INY

APPLAHAI'INY (n) - Glaswegian term for strong cider, particularly when decanted into a two-litre Irn Bru bottle in a lame attempt to to present a more respectable persona when begging for change. ... EMBELFLOT

EMBELFLOT(n).. The frothy covering on the water in the toilet pan from the first morning urination after a heavy night out on the lash.... HOOFWORKS

HOOFWORKS (n) - The ultra secretive R&D facility where racehorses are subjected to a battery of training montages with a Joe Esposito soundtrack in order to improve performance......SPRONGBRUK

SPRONGBRUK (n): A particularly useless type of pedestrian crossing which, once you've pressed the button, waits until there's no traffic coming before turning red. "This fucking sprongbruk might as well be a dog-turd on a stick" MESICOVIAL

MESICOVIAL (n): Little known evolutionary blip between the Mesozoic and Paleozoic periods when humans were fucking monkeys/fish/plants and nobody has any idea what was going on with the damn species so they pretend it never happened......CALLANSTREP

CALLANSTREP (n) - A Bacterial Infection. Usually caught by the unwilling exerciser in January (post new year resolution) when they 'reward' themselv after a work out, with a dirty kebab made from over-ordered xmas ingredients... SHNUFFEN

SHNUFFEN (adj): The noises a dog makes whilst rummaging in it's anus with it's tongue......BLAPSTACK

BLAPSTACK (n) The many-layered rolls of flab on a well-upholstered lady's back that appear when she's been shoe-horned into a dress two sizes too small giving the impression she's swallowed a child's paddling pool. IBIRN

IBIRN (acronym)... the International Bee Institute for Research into Nucleo-collision. A large facility buried deep underground in Market Rasen which accelerates bees around a circuit at close to the speed of light. Why? Because we can.. VUNKMON

VUNKMON (n): The lead character in the Bollywood remake of Ghostbusters.. NADWRAK

NADWRAK(n)... A type of seaweed that grows mainly along the South-West English and Welsh coastlines. So called because the air filled pods that keep it afloat resemble multiple pairs of sweaty bollocks.... TORSTRUMPH

TORSTRUMPH (n): The unfortunate brown residue apparent on underpant gussets after a particularly enthusiastic wedgie......D'BLUNG

D'BLUNG: (n) Ancient Estonian electoral system, in which candidates removed sticks that were supporting glass beads inside a cylinder. The candidate collecting the fewest beads would be appointed King for the rest of the afternoon. ... BIERSTUNG

BIERSTUNG (adj): How you feel on the Sunday morning when you check your pockets and find that someone has replaced the wad of £20 notes you were carrying with a handful of loose change and a greasy napkin from the kebab shop. AGOUBEA

AGOUBEA (n): The realisation that the gameshow you're watching is a special celebrity edition because, although you don't recognise any of the contestants, they're all acting like over-familiar arseholes. QUENCHUMP

QUENCHUMP (v): To bite one's cheek. .... JOVVER

JOVVER (v): The weird little wobbly hover that people do for a split second before crashing down from a fall....GRONDLE

GRONDLE(n)... The really hard type of bogey that sticks to the inside of your nose like araldite-and then when you finally managed to get it out you discover it was the 'tip of iceberg' and has a duvet like sheet of dried snot attached.. HUMBOWL

HUMBOWL (n): The specific cry of agony and shame that lays you low after an ill-judged attempt at shaving your scrotum with a Bic razor. It is mitigated by the fact that it only ever happens once. .. DUNPRONG

DUNPRONG (adj)... when you fail to align buttons with the correct holes on your shirt ... POOCHENOCK

POOCHENOCK (n): A traditional bread, originating from a village outside Chernobyl, which is notable for its lurid neon orange colour. 99% of poochenock loaves are exported to the UK, where they are crumbed and used to coat value fishfingers. SPLORD

SPLORD (v) - To spontaneously ejaculate in the throes of religious ecstacy. ....BRIMBLE

BRIMBLE(n) : The average amount of male ejaculate - contraction and joining of Brimful and Thimble - GOONAWAA

GOONAWAA (n): The awkward gait used when trying to dash to the toilet whilst wearing ill-fitting slippers. 80s comedian Bernie Clifton made great use of the goonawaa in his 'Pretending to Ride an Ostrich in Lieu of Actual Jokes' act. GOMBY

GOMBY (n) The act of trying to impress a lady by telling her you were the youngest ever BBC 'One Man & His Dog' champion for the 1986 series with your dog Rocky-CHISTING

CHISTING (v): To rearrange the foreskin after it had ridden up after an unwanted election has subsided. SPHAMTRIC

SPHAMTRIC (adj): Pointlessly complicated. Named after Sir Bruce Sphamtrum, who pioneered the idea of placing double-doors at the entrance to a shop, but only ever unlocking one of them, and giving no clue as to whether they're Push or Pull. BERNK

BERNK (n) : The sort of person who dumps something oversized and unwieldy into a typical wastepaper bin, for example - a 2l lemonade bottle without at least squashing it flat, or perhaps half a broom handle... PHLEBOMAL

PHLEBOMAL (adj): inclined to nosily clear one's throat at regular intervals and eject the product onto the pavement. ...MEAGLE

MEAGLE (n) Genetically engineered cross between a Beagle and a Meerkat. Utilised by the tobacco industry for new product testing. It can be forced to smoke 200 consecutive B&H whilst still keeping a beady eye out for anti - vivisectionists. TOOGARY

TOOGARY (n) - Oft attempted tactic employed during hetero coitus in order to gauge the willingness of a new partner (f) to engage in bumfun. "Aargh you sleekit barstard!" "Sorry love it was a Toogary" (Lat. - "Errant Tool") - FROOJOL

FROOJOL (n): An imperfection in a crisp, such as a burnt bit, potato eye or big greasy patch, which makes cheap value-brand crisps unappetising, but which ironically also makes poncey 'premium' brands like Kettle Chips appear more authentic. BROGPOLE

BROGPOLE (n): A troll's cock..... SCADAZZA

SCADAZZA: (n. arch.) The allure to repressed young Englishmen of an attractive, sexually confident continental European woman in the days when that was epitomised by Sophia Loren. ... BOOMFORT

BOOMFORT (n): How the Swedish chef from The Muppets would pronounce my name....FREG

FREG (n) Those big water filled facial wart things that old people get and appear entirely unconcerned by..... DOMPKUS

DOMPKUS (n, Chronol): Unit of time, equivalent to approx. 3 months. Following a local tragedy, the time it takes the bereaved family and vague acquaintances to get bored of leaving flowers, manky teddies and mawkish poetry at the scene. FRUBBING

FRUBBING (v): The act of stretching, flexing and tensing of the legs and thighs in order to expedite orgasm. PUFASED

PUFASED (n, Pharm): Drug prescribed to patients who doctors find particularly irritating, or who won't fuck off. Pufased is similar in make-up to the basic placebo sugar pill, but has an added ingredient which turns the user's turds green. FLEPPERY