Listopia

Roadhouse (1989) - Patrick Swayze is a no-nonsense bouncer hired to clean up a shithole bar. Also features some of the worst dialogue ever committed to celluloid.

Don't be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood (1996) - If you didn't find the title funny I've got bad news for you regarding the rest of the film.

Battlefield Earth (2000) - The only shocking revelation in all 119 turgid minutes is that Forrest Whittaker's career actually survived this epic festival of shit.

Showgirls (1995) - My girlfriend and I watched this because Babe was sold out. Essentially a couple of hours of Elisabeth Berkley's tits and flange. I can now not hear the theme to Saved by the Bell without popping a stiffy. My girlfriend left me.

Commando. Super action hero takes out entire military installation armed with a toothpick, or something. Surely the dumbest of all Arnie's many dumb movies. Utter, utter shit.

Psychomania — RADA-trained Hells Angels gang discovers the secret of resurrection and embarks on an eternity of trashing supermarkets. Plot has more holes than a teabag but I still have to stay up whenever I spot its biennial 2am TV screening.

The Wanderers (1979) - 1950's New York was a tough place to be a teen, especially when the film you're in doesn't know whether it's a comedy about New York cliches or hard-hitting social realism. It's hilarious - possibly unintentionally.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984) - He's a top neurosurgeon, particle physicist, race car driver, rock star and comic book hero, and probably the last hope of the human race. And he's in a shit film.

Jaws III (1983) - "Hey! Let's have a really big shark! Let's make it in 3-D! Let's set it in a theme park!" "OK. Shall we make the shark look good, or look fucking shit?" "Erm...".

Bloodbath at the House of Death - Pretty poor fillum but it was written by Our Lord Barry Cryer plus you do get to see Pamela Stephenson's nipples as a cinematic bonus.

Megaforce (1982) - Barry Bostwick stars in an astonishingly bad sci-fi (?) effort, the kind of film you can't believe actually got made. This is the best scene, and surely a moment of cinematic history: http://youtu.be/O1NpZxn860M

2012 - Dara O'Briain explains in the chatbox...

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008) - A goth opera. With Paris Hilton. And she's not the shittest thing in it.

Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959) - Every bit as good/bad as its reputation. Highlights include a rather strange explanation of the history of explosives ("man made a grenade, then he made a bigger grenade") and the surreal opening narration.

Four Rooms (1995) - I've met a few people who have said that this is one of their favourite films. They're all idiots because it's rubbish. It's Madonna's worst movie, that's how fucking awful it is.

Blind Fury (1989) in which numerous trained assassins, armed with Uzis, are killed by blind Vietnam vet Rutger Hauer using only a sharpened white stick, thus ranking somewhere between Citizen Kane and Battleship Potemkin in cinema history.

Demolition Man (1993) - It makes no sense, it's got Rob Schneider in it, the lead villain is called Simon and Sylvester Stallone's arse should have it's own credit. And yet... And yet...

Crocodile 2: Death Roll (2002) - There's this 30-foot crocodile, and, well, I think you can fill in the blanks.

Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story (2001) - Has to be seen to be believed. Passes from 'so bad it's funny', to 'I'd rather try and piss a flail through my urethra than watch this' in a matter of minutes.

End of Days (1999) - One of the plethora of shit films assuming that the world would end at the turn of the milennium. Worth watching for the epic fight between Arnold 'Terminator' Schwarzenegger and Miriam 'Lady Whiteadder' Margolyes. Wicked child!

The Green Berets. How John Wayne won the Vietnam War (despite avoiding a single day's military service his entire life). Complete pish.

Over-sexed Rugsuckers from Mars - Beggars belief. Stop frame animation about aliens that come to Earth cross breed a tramp and a vacuum cleaner. The resulting beast goes on the rampage and rapes everything in its path.

Piranha 3D (2010) - The only film I've ever seen in which two girls lez up underwater in 3D and a prehistoric fish sicks up a man's severed penis. In 3D.

Anaconda. John Voight's finest hour.

St Elmo's Fire (1985) - Girly choice. The "height" of the Brat Pack's collective career. Fucking awful, but it sums up neatly how shit the 80's were. Key moment: Demi Moore's flat, massive wall painting of Billy Idol, earring as neon light fixture...

For your height only. (1981) James Bond - for your eyes only remake with a midget. Amazing(ly poor)

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) - Given that "manos" is spanish for hands, then that should give you an idea of the quality. So shit, the cast had to sneak out of the premiere rather than admit to being a part of it.

Exit Wounds (2001) - One of Seagal's finest. Features the immortal line "Did you really beat a suspect unconscious with a dead cat?"

Grease 2 - why?

Highlander 2 - How fast can a subway train go? Why was everyone flying about? What happened to that man's face? How could a first sequel be so cataclysmically bad compared to the original film?

Hollowman - I don't know where to start. Kevin Bacon should know better. The only saving grace is the invisible rape scene (albeit implied), but only because I'd probably commit mild sexual assault if I was invisible

Darkman III - Die, Darkman, Die! (1996) Movie history's most apt tagline.

Wagons East! (1994) - The Doctor from "Star Trek: Voyager", Dr. Cox from "Scrubs", John Candy and Richard Lewis. In a western. Can't see how that didn't work.

The Killer Shrews (1959) - I don't care how big they are, shrews are right up there with butterflies and cotton wool in the pantheon of scary things. One of the actors went on to be the sheriff in Dukes of Hazard, so let that be a warning to you.

Ghosts Of Mars (2001) - It's just Assault on Precinct 13 in space. Doesn't sound like it would work does it? Funny that because it doesn't.

Rock 'n' Roll Highschool. Hilariously bad, the Ramones songs being the sole redeeming feature.

Rat Pfink a Boo Boo. Only a genius of the stature of Ray Dennis Steckler could make a film this utterly terrible yet entertaining. Even the title was a typo, but there was no budget to change it, so it stuck.

Hyperspace (AKA Gremloids) (1984) - An Vaderesque villain called Lord Buckethead and his small gang of 'gremloids' (who look exactly like Jawas) chase the heroes to get hold of a hoover that the've mistaken for a droid. Watch it - or you will die!

La Belle Noiseuse. I thought I could never tire of looking at Emmanuelle Beart naked. Jacques Rivette's mind-numbingly tedious film proved me wrong.

Twisted Nerve (1968) — young schizo Hywel Bennett pretends to be a mong in order to pull Hayley Mills (well, whatever blows her skirt up). Despite an ace Bernard Hermann score (still a highly sought-after bit of vinyl) it ain't no 'Psycho'.

Ankle Biters: Midget vampires vs the last remaining tall vampire. No, really.

Proteus - Some heroin dealers stranded on an oil rig are attacked by an outrageously poorly made mutant shark thing, they then realise the only thing that can kill it is heroin (which is pretty fortunate) but then in the end they just burn it instead

D.O.A. - Based on a computer game, directed by the guy who gave us The Transporter and featuring Holly Valance putting on her bra in the middle of a fight .So bad..so, so bad...so, so good. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8xm_WmRuoc

Armageddon - An exercise in making Ben Goldacre say "oh for fuck's sake" over and over and over again for over two hours. Only redeeming feature in Liv Tyler's lovely smile.

Ankle Biters (2002) - Midget vampires on a mission to create normal-sized vampires using a magic sword, hunted by a half-vampire. Solid gold shit.

Cradle Of Fear - The Cradle Of Filth movie. The whole thing looks like (and probably was) filmed on a first generation radioshack camcorder. The death sequences are a joy to behold, though.

Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead - Troma at its absolute finest. Has to be seen to be believed.

Saturday 14th - Early 80s horror spoof, the best bit of the film being the play of words in the title.

Police Academy 3 onwards. The second one was watchable and had some entertaining new characters. After that, it was milked to death