Listopia

It Ain't Half, Hot Mum - Windsor Davies disputes fractions with an Oedipal twist.

Close Encounters of the T. Hird Kind - paramours of the late Dame Thora reminisce about the times they gave her one on the Stannah.

Lando: F the Dead - The further adventures of the suave Star Wars traitor as he explores the exciting world of necrophilia.

Withnail, Andi - Andi Peters struggles to remember the name of Richard E. Grant's most famous character.

How Clean Is Your Ho Use? - A timely reminder of the importance of hygiene when dealing with one's bitches.

Gardeners Question Time: Our panel of horticulturalists take a selection of disassociative drugs and discuss the resulting distortions in their perception of the flow of causality and sequence of events.

Ma's H - heartwarming spinoff in which Nelly Boswell attempts to offload 2lbs of speedy smack, with hilarious results! Contains references to that tart.

Little John's Britain - a comical look at the problems caused by pooves and darkies from the unique perspective of a violent 13th-century giant.

Pope: Ye the Sailor Man - The Supreme Pontiff somehow gets conscripted into the navy in medieval England.

Them a' Trix - Yorkshire folk enthuse about the magical mindfuckery of Derren Brown

What Is This Thing Called, Love? — Cole Porter's romantic classic takes on a new meaning when sung by an inexperienced honeymoon couple.

Them Up Pets: How? - Sideways look at bestiality with Fozzie Bear

Ten Years? Young? Er... - Prequel to "The Execution of Gary Glitter".

Desperate Roman: "Tics" - Polanksi claims involuntary spasms made him bum a drugged 13-year-old.

Er..... - This weeks Mastermind is filmed in Norwich.

Prime Val - crooner Mr Doonican presents a whole concert from his rocking chair devoted to numbers like 3, 5 & 7.

The Young On E's - Ade Edmonson stars in this gritty spin-off where 10 year olds have their Ritalin swapped for MDMA. Narration by Bez.

Flo: Git - Bod's bun-haired aunt turns out to be a right sod.

Whoo! P.S. Apocalypse - An inappropriately jolly emergency public service announcement relegates an impending nuclear strike to a footnote.

Black Adder - documentary following the ins and outs of life as an accountant of Afro-Carribean descent.

Junior Kicks: Tart - Almost-certainly illegal addition to an almost-certainly illegal competitive-youth franchise.

Ho! Meal One - Lion-O the Thundercat has breakfast.

The Thicko Fit? - Investigation into whether physical beauty is inversely correlated with IQ.

I'm Not In, Love - a catch-up with the inexperienced newlyweds of "What Is This Thing Called, Love?", and neither party seems satisfied.

Loo Sew Omen - Derek Acorah & Russell Grant mend tattered garments of a live studio audience whilst sat in adjacent toilet cubicles. They "read" the clothes, whilst darning, eerily predicting the owner's future. Then they do a big poo simultaneously.

The Arc? Hers - A bitter Noah recounts the details of his divorce settlment.

Theta ming of the shrew - the eighth stench of a small but sometimes venomous mammal.

Po - I rot. Belgian Film noir following the dark demise of former telly tubby Po into the world of post stardom depression.

Tot He-Man, Or Born? - Disquieting gameshow where desperate, credulous mums-to-be choose either to bear the child or to dispatch the foetus to a universe where it will wield mighty powers. Jimmy Saville comperes.

9/11 Is A Joke - Chuck and Flav 'fess up to atrocities, but claim it was "a prank that went wrong".

I Can't Believe; It's Not Butter - Archbishop's explanation leaves bosses confused.

Plato on - Ross Kemp is replaced by the toga clad classical Greek philosopher doing some documentaries about various mental bastards.

Scarf Ace! - Following the protracted divorce of his parents, little Tim gets overly pleased by his frankly mundane christmas presents.

28 Day Slater - Bloodthirsty documentary about a month in the life of a man who covers rooves in slate.

The Cultures: How? – Leaky Lauren Laverne follows the working day of three busy microbiologists – with 1st year undergrad analysis from Mark Kermode, all set to a skiffle soundtrack.

The Loneliness of the Long Distance Run. Ner. -- Borstal boy takes solace in running. At least, until the other kids start taking the piss because he runs like a spaz.

Only Fool! Sand Horses! — The lone village idiot is instructed to smooth down large equines with sandpaper. Starring Nicholas Lyndhurst.

Mad? A Gas Car? - Top Gear special in which Jeremy Clarkson questions his continued devotion to gasoline powered locomotion.

Pretty Vac, Ant - ITV's latest star vehicle. Nothing more than Dec complimenting his partner on his generic cleaning device for an hour each Saturday night. Considerably less contemptuous of its audience than Push The Button.

Re:DD Warf - A saucy email exchange aboard the USS Enterprise causes consternation for Picard.

I believe in a thing. Call Ed, Love! - Series about John Prescott examining his value system in wake of Labour's election defeat. It culminates in Prescott asking his wife to phone former government minister Ed Balls.

Han Cock - Penile shenanigans with the bad guy from Enter the Dragon.

How I'm ET, Your Mother - absolutely bog-standard singletons-in-New York ensemble sitcom, only distinguished from the others by a lazy framing device wherein the protagonist explains to bad child actors how she, an alien, later birthed them.

Look! A Round You! Makeover show in which PDF-certified 'Doctor' Gillian McKeith transforms one lucky lady from scrawny a size 8 into specialist-website-friendly BBW, resplendant in ironic Russell Athletic sweatshirt and velour 'Juicy' leggings.

So, me mothers...do have 'em! - Heart breaking drama starring Michael Crawford about a young man raised in a feminist commune, only to eventually (and ironically) become their pimp when times get hard.

Ho, Me and Away - An autobiographical tale of one man's whistle-stop trip to Thailand to find a wife

Man, about the House - Shaggy tries to pre-empt Freds rage on returning from holiday after a drug crazed knees-up got a bit out of hand.

Sergeant Pepper's Lonely, Hearts Club Band - Yet again, the Tynecastle brass section must attend to the needs of a frustrated decommissioned soldier.

Rep: Oman - touching documentary about a band of yellowcoats desperately trying to enliven holiday-makers in probably the dullest country on earth.

Things To Do In Denver? When? You're Dead! - George Romero takes a more reflective stance as the zombies debate whether to continue munching brains or if there's time to take a road-trip.

Grant O'rino - biopic of the Irishman who invented and the etch-a-sketch and accidentally slept with his mum 18 times.

Trains. Potting - Docudrama, forced to choose between his twin loves of locomotives and snooker by his budgetry limitations, Sean bums his cat.

'S Crap Heap Challenge – Two teams of spods who were bullied at school compete against the clock to create scat sculptures, egged on by a squint bint and that bloke who was probably Kryton.

De-ePimp Act. — A law is passed outlawing online pimps. Starring Morgan Freeman.

Eno, la'? Gay. - A Scouser casts aspersions on the baldy purveyor of dull music.

Li-on King - An hour long documentary special detailing North Korean ruler Kim Jong-il's plans to inaugurate a battery powered ruler after his death due to increasing suspicions of everyone around him. Contains creepy cyborgs and mirror distrust.

East-End E.R.S.- Follows the fast-paced world of the Electoral Reform Society at a tension-filled meeting in Dagenham.

New SATS IX - 9th part of a documentary about recent changes to school exams.

Tom Or Rows World - Documentary follows the single handed circumnavigation of the globe by Yorkshireman Tom Or in a coracle

Requiem for a D:Ream - Brian Cox is tied to the moon and slowly mutilated by the restless, intergalactic ghost of Mozart, who sporadically belts out minor chords on a blood-stained lunar-harpischord between bouts of torture.

Re:Mains of the Day -Remake of Ishiguro's classic. In a modern-day retelling, a repressed butler to a wealthy lord exchanges seemingly innocuous emails with the house keeper regarding courses for Dinner. Deeper truths and feelings are hidden beneath

Country Ho: Use Rescue - Forthright ad campaign from the makers of Rescue Remedy. Aimed squarely at agrarian prostitutes.

Spac 'Ed - Politically incorrect comedy starring Ricky Gervais as a mentally incapacitated worker at an old people's home.

Coup, Ling - Ally McBeal spin-off in which Lucy Liu's character is involved in a series of farcical situations which all end with her being urged to overthrow the government.

Dang 'er Mouse! - Game show whereby husbands have to find ways to condemn their wives' pet rodents.

The Boy With *The* T. Horn In His Side - Heartwarming documentary about an autistic teen obsessed with fantasy football and 80s pop producers. How will his team cope when he insists on including Trevor Horn each week? Yeah, the one out of Buggles.

T' Heat, Eam: Following the critically acclaimed "T' Light", Eamon Holmes presents part two of his documentary series "Why the Sun is fucking ACE!"

Bust Op - Marilyn Monroe is a small-town, apple pie gal on her way to Hollywood to follow her dream: her dream of owning immense, rigid, silicone tits!

Dante Speak - New evidence suggests Inferno author may have been "a caveman".

I Can't Believe It's Not: Butt'er - Trouble on The Weakest Link when a contestant questions Anne's decision.

Under Milk? Wood! – Dylan Thomas play about a group of incompetent Welsh dairy farmers and the priapic men who love them. Starring John Craven as you've never seen him before. Cameo from Kate Humble in a wetsuit.

For A Few Dollars; More - Documentary detailing the base, financial reasons behind the making of most sequels.

Monster Sinc - A documentary slash infomercial about oversized furniture

East End. 'Ers. When the wealthy landowner was settling his divorce by splitting his estate, there were areas of London he didn't have to deliberate over for long

2, 4,.... - The future of mankind hinges on Jack Bauer successfully reciting an old Tom Robinson track.

Room lOl - in which celebrities are invited to discuss things which have made them literally or figuratively laugh out loud.

Them Uppets! - Popular ITV sitcom. The Uppets are an upper-middle class family forced to move into a common estate in Manchester.

SE7, en. A pretentious arthouse flick about a quirky patisserie in Charlton that breeds unicorns in sepia.

Russ, Ian: Ark - Noah tells two of his less well known sons to get on board. Will they make it in time?

To PG, Ear - Slightly surreal cartoon where the main character is an ear that runs an emergency teashop.

About De Souffle - unconvincing Yardie Lenny Henry poses as a chef to avoid getting his face all shot. But, he discovers that making classic French dishes is harder than he thought - with hilarious consequences!

I am, Leg End! - Period drama featuring a delusional amputee whose only friend is his own remaining foot, and has to reassert who's in charge over it every time he wants to hop anywhere.

The Dessert. Rats! - Documentary, holiday makers in Oman become increasingly dis-illusioned when every advertised outing proves to be a bit of a disappointment.

Glen. Garry. Glen. Ross. - Reality series, will these 4 talentless fucksocks from Chepstow make it in the cut-throat world of showbusiness. Let's fucking hope not.

Glad I Ator - a reflective documentary from an illiterate cannibal who cooked his sister.

Caroline? No! - At a critical moment, the Beach Boys find themselves unpopular with a new girlfriend.

I Know What You Did Last, Summer - horror ensues when an amnesiac stalks Hollyoaks/Sound of Music "star" Strallan

Buffy The Vampire. Slay 'er - The pert young Buffy has finally been turned to the dark side, and is hunted to the ends of the earth by the rest of the gang, to a perpetual loop of Yakkety Sax.

How ard's end? - A documentary about men who can only achieve an erection in the top half of their penises.

St. Arman - Jeff Bridges stars in a biopic about the patron saint of John Carpenters.

T'Heaven 'Gers - Sitcom charting the afterlife adventures of members of the Ilkley supporters branch of the famous Glasgow club.

How 'Ard's Way? - Jonathan Ross vehicle in which men called Ray compete to prove the strength and durability of their erections. This week's celebrity special features Stubbs v Davies.

The Tom Or Row People : Documentary sequel charting the efforts of the back room staff behind Tom's Herculean coracle circumnavigation attempt.

The Day After Tom Or Row. Documentary charting the stresses put on Yorkshireman Tom Or's body and mind by his coracle circumnavigation of the globe.

Tom Or Row Never Dies - Documentary examining the remarkable success of the Tom Or rowing documentary franchise and why such a mundane topic should have spawned so many sequels

Break In GB: Ad - a lively discussion on the differing terminology used to describe television commercials in the UK.

Prim eSuspect - Helen Mirren's DCI Tennison becomes frustrated by an uncooperative and uptight online foe whilst battling cyber-crime.

Ta, Xi! - awful, awful BBC4 documentary in which Scrabble-champion autists recount occasions when the not-really-a-word word has rescued them. Usually in games of Scrabble.

Theo, Ned : Inline - Two dedicated sk8ter boyz Theo & Ned give their weekly roundup of all that's new in the world of inline skating. Tony Hawks the comedian guest stars by mistake carrying a fridge .

TEK Ken - Suspense-filled video game in which you are Ken Livingstone in his new role as an operative in the Hungarian counter-terrorism agency.

Rising D' Amp - Documentary series following the trials and tribulations of a group of Reggae band roadies, tensions flare as they struggle to get the amplifiers onto the stage while stoned.