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A few weeks into the show, have Big Brother inform the contestants that all hell has broken loose on the outside, TV is no longer being broadcast, but for their own safety they will be kept in the house for a while. Then see how they act. 
All contestants have Down's syndrome and the weekly challenges must involve fire.
Tell housemates that their microphones have been fitted with lie-detectors. Make them wear badges which randomly light up red or green whenever they speak.
Fire a corpse through the window at 4 a.m.
Keep adding housemates at
the rate of five-a-day for the
entire 12 weeks. No evictions.
Turn all the lights on to high strobe for a week solid.
For one day, have an old man stand in an inaccessable corner of the house, playing sad trumpet, expressionless.
All contestants are ordered to
hide. Viewers are encouraged
to phone in and give clues as
to their hiding places to a
large sex-offender, who hunts
them down one by one, rips
off their arms and rapes them
with them. Up the bum.
Contestants must all have sex
constantly for the entire
season, or big brother
immediately drains all
oxygen from the house.
Build the house in the middle of the Fens, miles from anywhere. Through cunning use of blindfolds and crowds, convince arriving housemates that it's in London. 2 weeks in, let the garden wall fall down and watch housemates dumbly wander into nowhere.
Give each housemate a hand grenade.
Instead of getting Davina to 'interview' the evicted housemate, let them milk the applause/boos for a few seconds before security grab them, place a black bag over their head, lead them to a special C4 gallows and hang them.
Housemates are locked in a small room at the back of the house. The house is then filled, floor to ceiling, with raw bacon. Contestants must eat their way out or die trying.
Day 25: Everyone has their
eyes sewn shut and their
spinal column severed just
below the shoulder blades.
The floor is liberally sprinkled
with razorblades and mini
scotch eggs.
Upside-down house.
Just fill the fucking place with lesbian slags for Christ's fucking sake.
Day 10: All contestants are
'threaded' together by passing
barbed wire down their gullet
and out of their arses. They
then all face off in an oiled
hopscotch competition.
Hiccup inducing fizzy drinks
introduced half way through.
There is no toilet in the house.
The part of Big Brother is played by housemates' actual big brothers. All hope of house romance is crushed as female housemates are reliably informed that their potential partner is 'a poof'. All rule-breaking punished by chinese burns and dead legs.
Get 11 sets of identical twins and randomly swap them every day in the diary room. Tell every twin not to tell anyone else that they're a twin and make each set think they're the only set there. Then kill everyone.
Two words:
Shark. Tank.
Davina pops out her 30th sprog live from the house. Housemates are ordered to eat the placenta as a challenge, but due to a hilarious mix-up involving hallucinogens, end up eating the kid. Davina doesn't give a fuck, names the placenta 'Charmaine'.
Only allow jewish and muslim housemates, ideally disabled, and play inflammatory religious jingles over the pa system.
On the first night, each housemate arrives by limo, gets out, waves, climbs the stairs, walks through the big doors, down the staircase, though another door, then along a hallway, through another door, which leads outside to the back of the crowd.
The house gets progressively smaller until all the housemates are bent over double and trumping in each other's faces.
'Accidentally' leave a fake copy of Heat magazine in the Diary Room, which reveals that every housemate this year is a sex offender. Who will find it? What will they do? Will they tell everyone, keep quiet, protest their innocence or think it's true?
Let all the contestants enter the house then pack up and go home and let them work out for themselves that no-one gives a flying fuck about them or their pointless existence.
Viewer controlled red button rohypnol administration.
When anyone threatens to leave the house they are called to the diary room and have a sword thrown at their face.
Introduce a brown bear to the house on day thirty after starving the housemates for a week. Who will kill and eat who?
Introduce rohypnol in to the water supply from day one.
Make sure at least three housemates are paranoid schizophrenics.
All housemates to be replaced by gibbons and kept in a constant state of arousal by doping with sophisticated drug cocktails.
Turn the house into one
massive microwave that gets
turned on on day three,
power slowly increasing until
people begin to boil.
Contestants must be Parkinson's or Alzheimer's sufferers only. With 'celebrity' carers introduced in times of distress.
Contestants' food rations are limited to 20 buckets of chilled dog phlegm for 10 weeks, while they are denied access to any other form of nutrition. The winner is the first housemate to die of rickets.
Lace the food with laxatives then turn off the water supply
Make the housemates vote on
a person to be killed in their
sleep. After the votes are
submitted, tell them all to go
into private booth to see their
personal results. Tell each of
them they lost, and allow
them to continue as normal.
Send in 12 people that look really alike and force them to wear the same clothes.
Gradual introduction of Xyclon B.
Sudden death elimination means exactly that.
All housemates to take part in the three week 'locked under the stairs with a bucket of rancid meat' task.
Make sure the kitchen is well stocked with sharp implements then increase the temperature by 1 degree C a day and see who snaps first.
On the fourth day, release a tiger into the house.
12 entrants are all given 11 vaccines to animal/bug bites/stings, each missing just one different jab. Viewers vote in a different deadly animal each week - last one standing wins. Corpses not removed. In between, they can chat shit all they like.
Friday is "Naked Day" and involves a "riding a mechanical bull" challenge.
Each housemate is designated a different illegal drug which they must consume for the entirety of the show. Then they are supplied with challeging cognitive and cordination tasks which they must pass to recieve food rations.
All housemates are convicted serial killers. But, in a format borrowed from Scrapheap Challenge, they must fashion their own murder weapons from discarded household appliances.
Tell the housemates they're doing a spaceship challenge, assemble them in 'the command module' - which turns out to be real when the fuckers get blasted into space and left there. Watch them fight to the death over a single tub of rancid space food.
A massive Afghan lycanthrope is released into the house during a full moon in week 6; housemates are provided with condoms and a tomato plant to defend themselves.
Deck the place out like Hell, complete with lake of fire etc and then insert short-term coma victims so when they wake up they think they're dead.
Get the production team to watch Battle Royale before they plot the show.
Sling Tracey Emin and just watch all fucking hell break loose.
