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When celebrity dies, what does it do for a living?
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Marquee Smith! - Tents-ah! For parties! Make your outdoor event a special one-ah! Protect against British Weath-AH! Salford area only. 
Nee-Na Cherry Private Ambulance Hire. Only seven seconds away!
Swayze Paving - Patrick Swayze will dirty dance the happiest path to your front door. No job too small!
Dusting Hoffman - for all your spring cleaning needs (please provide ladder for anything above 5 feet). Transvestism optional, but will need two months' preparation. Is it safe? Yes, it's safe, it's very safe, it's so safe you wouldn't believe it.
Frank Sidebottom's Scythed
Frontbottoms - Experts in
ladies' pubic topiary using
only the sharpest farming
equipment. You'll love our
two-for-one offer on Landing
Strips and Brazilians - You
know you will, you really will.
Michael's Palings - you didn't expect such great fencing! Our three promises are 1: Quality materials. 2: Expert workmanship. 3: Fast service. 4: Low prices. Ah - amongst our promises are such diverse elements as...
Will Young's Young Wills - taking an early bath from the great game of life? Think you'd better leave right now? Don't leave your grieving parents squabbling after they've lit your fire - make a will and divvy up your meagre posessions! No legal aid.
Jeremy Irons - Shirts, blouses, trousers, bed linen all done to an Academy Award winning standard.
"Pesky" Peschi the clown, great for children's parties. You think he's funny? Funny how? Funny like a clown, huh? Does he amuse you?
Bowen 24/7 - In 1. Cheap booze. In 2. Amazing deals on frozen food. In 3. The cheapest convenience store in town. You can't beat a bit of Bowen. We never close!
Gareth Gates — sturdy and secure, our gates make the perfect focal point to the Long And Winding Road to your door. Handsome Stammerite finish as standard.
Reese Wetherspoons - selling weak blonde beer, legally.
Sarah's Panes - Parents relax! Paedos won't be able to peep at your little angels through our range of affordable tinted windows!
John Sessions - Fancy getting fucking hammered all weekend? Give us a call.
Julio y Enrique - Glaziers. Need a "hero" to sort out your uPVC frames? "Maybe" we can help. Be like all the girls we've glazed before and let us begin the put-in! We double glaze very well - we learn it from a book.
Madonna Kebabs! - The original 'Meat'erial Girl's very own hot saucy late-night treats.
Ted Rogers - escort services. Discretion assured. Cumming inside you in 3-2-1.
Maxine Cars - are you a lady in a hurry? Need a cab but no longer trust men? Let Maxine Cars take you there! 24 Hours. Special rates on Sundays.
Mike Flowers Pop - All your soft drink needs in one convenient place. Easy listening, fantastic prices!
Stephen Fry-Ups! Gadzooks! Implausbily fine breakfasts served with wit, panache and the distinct smell of recently emptied bollock to boot.
Zsa Zsa Gaborders-Any landscaping and hedgework done daaaaahling.
Darren Day-care Centre — let Darren take care of your old mum and she'll come home with a wry smile on her face and a story to set the tabloids alight. You Bet!
Jimmy Carrpets — Jimmy's durable smugpile will stand up to any amount of kicking and gouging, no matter how shit-caked your shoes. Go on, try it: you know you want to. That's the way .......... Ok, stop now ....... No really, that's enough .......
Jimmy Nails - haway, ten poond fo' in-fills, lookin' reet canny an' all that, laik. DEE-ah? How, bollocks, Neville man.
Brad's Pitts - small scale excavations our speciality. Also child relocation expert - appearance/ethnic grouping depenedent.
Bruce Forsight - Ask him anything! With his age-acquired wisdom and experience he can help give you forsight into many everyday situations before you screw it up with ill-informed decision-making.
Tennis Norden - say goodbye to cock-ups in your serve-volley game with specialist training from the oldest and slowest professional coach in the world. Heart specialists particularly welcome in case of emergency.
Nigel Hoovers - No floor too messy! Has own attachments. 'Don't Wait Up' for a better deal.
Britney's Spears - Oops, I forged replica medieval weaponry again.
Alan the Parker - Don't Cry for Me Ford Cortina! Let our valet service take the strain out of parking your own fucking car.
Damien's Hearse - We make the transportation of your loved-one's mortal remains a real work of art. Ask us about our 'diamond' service.
Lester Piggott's Leicester Piglets. Best pork in the Midlands. No need for a steward's enquiry - it's a racing cert! Free delivery within 280 furlongs of city centre.
Bob Carolgees' Bobbing Carriages - Arrive in style; Arrive in one of our authentic amphibious horse-drawn carriages. With over 200 branches across the UK, there's bound to be one within spitting distance. *hhhhhck - Pttt* Oi!
Gary Glitter - for all your junior art and craft needs. Let me sprinkle my magic at your child's party. Do you wanna be in my gang? Oh, yeah!
James Taylors - Alterations while-u-wait
Toms Cruise - Drinks on a riverboat down the Thames followed by a tour of Sohos public toilets.
Alan Carries - Need help getting the shopping home? Maybe just moving stufff around the house? I'll do it for you!
