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Black people are slow but strong; women are fast but weak. 
Enemies, rather than
approach you directly, will
behave like Micheal Flatley
on a conveyor belt.
When you look down, you can't see your feet.
You can jump twice your own height, but water will kill you instantly.
Medicine became obsolete in the year 2004, when doctors noticed that hiding behind a wall caused human health to regenerate to 100%
Eating stuff found on the floor IS good for you - your parents were wrong.
Winners don't use drugs.
Some time in the future, Earth will be menaced by hordes of alien spacecraft that fly in predictable patterns and can be killed in one hit. The logical course of action will be to despatch one brave hero in an untested plane/tank/spaceship to take them all on without help.
Bullet-holes will gradually disappear, foiling your attempts to draw a cock and balls on the ground with a machine gun.
Most guards forget you unsuccessfully tried to strangle them after walking around for twenty seconds
Buildings may have crates full of goodies on their roofs, so always check, even if it means riding a motorbike up the fire escape.
When you get shot, you don't feel any pain, nor does it affect your aim. However, it does cause your vision to turn red for a couple of seconds.
Crates only contain one single item, much smaller than they crate itself. The item will usually be in the dead centre of the crate with no supporting packing material.
If you're stuck in life and don't know what to do, simply attempt to "use" every single item in your possession on your obstacle. If none of them work, go back the way you came. You've clearly missed something.
Contrary to popular belief, you don't gain experience and knowledge by education and hard work. You get it from wandering around the countryside killing wildlife.
It's surprising just how useful martial arts are on the modern battlefield.
Tanks will go faster if you turn the turret
backwards and keep firing.
Anything in the world can be made from food, wood and gold.
jumping on turtles heads is socially acceptable
Firearms are most simply reloaded by pointing them at the wall and pulling the trigger.
Most martial arts will teach you how to throw fireballs at about green-belt level.
Keycards are only manufactured in primary colours.
If a crown princess is abducted by political
dissidents or terrorists it is advisable to avoid
using special forces and instead hire the
services of an Italian plumber or a dizzy egg.
The bodies of your murdered victims will fade and disappear if you wait for a few seconds.
Many, if not all problems can be solved with a 'Holy Hand Grenade
You can't ever trip over, even when running backwards as fast as you can, firing a shotgun.
If you eat a red mushroom you will double in size until you come into contact with any other living creature, when you will revert back to your original dimensions.
You know when you have won a fight down the boozer because your opponent will stand still in a daze, waiting for you to decapitate him.
Princesses float further than plumbers.
Karate and driving can both be learned in minutes simply by repeating sequential dance routines as requested by cartoon animals.
Lemmings, with their tendancy to throw themselves off the egde of high places, should really stop moving to sequentially more and more hazardous and complex environments.
If you steal a bus and use it to run over fat people at the beach, the police won't mind too much.
If you're 14, have hair covering your eyes, and live in a small village, man up, because you're going to have to save the world.
If working on high scaffolding, beware of gorillas throwing barrels off the top floor.
Explosives are not stored, as you might expect, in secure containers in controlled environments, but in barrels that are littered around combat zones at random. Highly-trained evil soldiers are quite happy to engage in sustained firefights while standing next to them.
Contrary to the strict regulations you might think pilots have to adhere to, you can actually fly any aircraft upside down beneath the Golden Gate bridge without getting in trouble.
When you kill people, they just disappear. Sometimes they turn into food or money. Or some bullets.
War is the best fun ever.
It doesn't matter where you shoot someone - even if it's in the foot - as long as you do it enough times there will eventually be a definite quick transition between alive and dead.
There is little tangible difference between walking into a weapon and picking it up.
In medieval times, Women regularly fought in wars, wearing suits of armour that afforded them equal protection to those worn by men, despite only covering about 3 square inches of skin.
Everyone speaks English, including Nazis, Aliens and the Living Dead.
Wrexham can win the Champion's League if you have about 483 full days to spare, 80% of which are spent waiting for CM04 to load
it is possible to carry an infinite amount of items,
including a full sunday roast spread, for no
adequately explored reason, without impeding
either your speed or clothing
Running from side to side or backwards is just as easy and quick as running forwards.
Never trust a giant monkey wearing a tie.
graveyard zombies are gay and will strip you
down to your y-fronts instantly on contact
even if you are wearing a suit of armour.
Modern tank warfare will be replaced in the future by building a very large number of tanks on the battlefield itself, then attacking the enemy's strongest point head-on with hundreds of them at once.
Being shot in the face is only a minor inconvenience, but going into an area you are not supposed to will result in instant death.
Lead boots won't weigh you down until you actually put them on.
If someone you don't like is in a swimming pool, simply remove the steps to get out. Then they will be stuck and drown through exhaustion.
Wearing a pair of white gloves to work everyday may seem an unwise choice if your chosen career is plumbing, but, in reality, you will never have to dirty your pristine mitts by fishing a swollen, fetid tampon from a shit-clogged outflow pipe.
Despite what logic dictates, the ideal shape for a war robot is not squat, armored and low centre of gravity, but bipedal humanoid. Ideally with hands to hold a gun, rather than built in weaponary.
Intricate box and jumping puzzles are used more commonly than ladders for getting to places out of reach.
When dropped, guns float and rotate in the air. When picked up, they can easily be concealed in mid-air, roughly near the belly.
climbing ladders is as easy as hovering up them, while holding a gun.
Strafing to the left or right while running forward will render you essentially bulletproof due to enemies being unable to target you. A fact as of yet still unemployed by the training programme of the British Army.
Doing athletics fucking hurts your wrist after a
while.
PDA owners are always absent minded.
It's OK to kill people
Explosives don't work on doors.
Eating mushrooms makes you massive.
No girls.
You can up your bank balance £1,000 at a time by chanting 'FUND'.
Food can heal most serious injuries instantly
Always be sure to smash any crates you come across, they will always contain good things.
Despite the fact that modern weapons systems are effective over hundreds of miles, in the future all space/air/sea combat will be conducted within about 50 yards of the enemy.
Music spontaneously plays whenever you do anything exciting.
Modern military training teaches that the best way to defeat an enemy is to stand stock still in plain view of the enemy and fire wildly. Making sinister noises to reveal your location is good, too.
If you notice a discoloured section on a brick wall, try running up really close and pressing on it, for it may give way and lead you to a secret cache of weapons and armour.
When you've run out of food and stuff, just leave the house and then go back in again.
You can travel anywhere instantly, as long as you've been there before.
First aid kits can be applied to your injuries in under a second, and will instantly make you healthier.
The amount of things you carry don't affect the speed you can run at or the height you can jump.... up to a point. After that, you simply CANNOT carry ANYTHING else, no matter how light. Either that or you stop dead, unable to move an inch.
Roman/Medieval generals had a zoomable and rotatable 3D view of the battlefield, and controlled their soldiers by clicking giant arrows.
When your life ends you will be given 10 seconds to decide whether you fancy going again (in some circumstances this may cost you a pound.)
As long as you are wearing at least one ring you will never die.
Pulling out a weapon makes you hallucinate a + sign wherever you look.
Conversation is easy! Just think of two or three possible responses, and pick the one you think will lead to the greatest reward.
Linking your Epic Item in general chat will guarantee you whispers from other players offering you cyber sex for your Epic.
Fat people are always evil. If not from the beginning, they WILL betray you eventually.
You can only use a pair of skiis once and the
only shop selling them at resorts is invariably
on the other side of a busy motorway with no
visible means of a pedestrian thoroughfare.
It's perfectly normal for animals to talk.
Women who are experienced mercenaries and can carry multiple heavy weapons do not look like Bulgarian discus throwers, but are lithe, slim, and have very large breasts.
The world is packed with unexplored ruins, most of which are packed to the rafters with treasure. No-one has yet bothered to explore them.
The owners of theme parks/zoos/hospitals are able to pick up visitors to their attractions with a giant grapple, and drown them in lakes without penalty.
Nazis/Alien Invaders/Evil Megacorps are always leaving medical supplies around for their opponents to heal themselves with. Their own soldiers are under strict instruction not to touch them.
WWII infantry jargon included such phrases as "lol", "n00b" and "OMG HaXXoR!!11!" Modern counter-terrorist SWAT teams use the same phrases.
Prostitutes will judge you on the fanciness of your car, and will give you 25% bonus health post-sex. (this is only in the pre-AIDS 80s. In gritty 2008, you will be tsk-ed at by a sad Eastern European, which makes you feel sick and guilty, even though you've been stabbing women in the tits all day)
You can gaze at a woman's
tits for hours on end without
either of you becoming
embarrassed. However,
attempts to mount her from
every side like a determined
St Bernard will always result
in you bouncing off her
textured hide.
Enemies will always build there bunkers or machine gun nests with at least one red expolosive barrel, despite there obvious drawback
There is nothing scarier than a brown H.... unless it's a purple L.
The key to winning a war is purely about choosing the correct angle and projectile velocity.
You can walk around carrying a selection of high calibre weaponary and dangerous projectiles, wearing just your underpants and the police won't care. But if you just happen to nudge their police car they'll come down on you like a ton of massive bricks.
If you live on a street with 4 or 5 high rise buildings and one of them gets attacked by a giant monster it's probably wise to move out very quickly. If you're in the building in question don't poke your head out the window and flail your arms around, leave by the emergency stairway at the back.
Womens' tits are pointy, just like Madonna's when she had the conical bra.
A broom will fit into a jewellry box, along with your shield.
While swimming under water, if the music becomes fast and angry, I must find an air bubble.
"Ninja" is the most common occupation on the planet, just above "Secret Agent" and "Alien in Disguise"
Frogs die in water.
When performing surgery,don't bother trying to stitch your initials in the fat guy's chest, it won't work and the nurse will shout at you.
Stationary clouds of coloured gas hurt you, and there is no such thing as smell.
Setting fire to dogs and then extinguishing their flames will not affect their attitude towards you. The same cannot be said about cats. This only has meaning if your name is JC Denton.
Car crashes are either cool, funny, infuriating or nothing else.
Every English character you meet is a pretend cockerney hardman who will exclaim such gems as blimey, arsehole and wanker. He'll probably die soon after meeting you.
Blue drinks make you good at magic.
The bodies of those you murder usually just go away by themselves.
People wink out of existence when I'm not there to see them
On the whole, you can withstand a lot more bullets/punches/magic compared to the other guy.
It's ok if you die, you have two more lives
Always shut the door behind you, especially if it looks like it might snow later on.
You don't need scintillating conversation get on in life. Two-word commands will do fine.
Being on the Goodies side doesn't automatically make you winners of The War.
Kick enough puppies and you'll eventually gain the strength, wisdom and dexterity to take on ninjas!
Even cyborgs/ninjas/special agents able to smash whole cities with their fists and defeat the mightiest opponent in close combat are stumped when confronted with a locked door or box, and have to go find the key.
When crawling along air-conditioning ducts, if
you go forward and back a few times you may or
may not see a pair of tits.
Torches only last for one minute, but thankfully recharge themselves over time.
If you're in a castle looking for a lost loved one, they're in another one.
If you're good enough at trading/bartering - every single shop in the world will reduce their prices specially for you.
You can shoot open a padlock, but locks on wooden doors only ever leave a dent.
"Sho-ryu-ken!" is not neccesarily the best opening line to start a punch-up in a pub
Firing a rocket launcher straight into the floor is an excellent idea, and will get you cool stuff, provided you jump into the air as you do it.
In the olden days, everything was two-dimensional. Left, right and jump were pretty much all we could do.
If you put 10 items together in a row they will suddently disappear.
Torch batteries run out after a few seconds, and will charge to full capacity in no time.
If stuck you can further avoid progressing by smashing the crates in the village and throwing chickens about for an hour or two. They make irritating yet addictive noises.
All my base are belong to them.
Ploughing through crowds of innocent pedestrians is a great way of blowing off steam when doing police work proves frustrating.
All containers are bottomless.
throwing newspapers through closed windows as you pedal along on your bike is acceptable behaviour
if you march into tranmere rovers office declaring your name to be mr bulgaria, they will instantly make you manager and give you 25 million to spend on players.
In 1939, a bunch of Nazis
decided to take over some
countries.Thankfully, the
Americans killed every single
one. This is the story of World
War II, and it starts up again ever
other day.
What an echidna is, although i am still not entirely sure
Zombies have dodgy Spanish accents.
If you win a really big fight, don't relax until you've made quite sure there isn't a much more powerful robot version of your late opponent lurking in a corner.
Nobody is in the lobby on Christmas day.
Stamping on rats doesn't pay well.
Black women don't exist. Unless
zombies are in the picture, for
some reason.
Games is the same as PE without the rope climbing.
Flicking a condom you found in the bush at somebody, with a stick, is as unhygenic as it is unpleasant.
