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Captain Birdseye V The Admiral from Young's Admiral's Pie 
Captain Birdseye V The Man From Del Monte
The Man From Del Monte V Mr. Kipling
Mr. Kipling V The Jolly Green Giant
The Jolly Green Giant V Snap, Crackle & Pop (Fatal 3-way)
Snap, Crackle & Pop V The Robertson's Golliwog
Robertson's Golliwog V Capoiera Black Belt Uncle Ben
Battle Damaged Robertson's Golliwog V Mr. Homepride
Mr. Homepride V Pilsbury Doughboy
Pilsbury Doughboy V Sun Maid
Sun Maid V Honey Monster
Honey Monster V The Laughing Cow (bestial smackdown)
Honey Monster V Quaker Oats Quaker
Oats-in-fur, beef-injected Honey Monster V Bouncing Babybel
Honey Monster (tiring slightly now but revitalised by a mouthful of cheese) vs the Jolly Green Giant
Sweetcorn sated disabled Mr. Happy The Honeymonster vs. tag team of The Hamburglar and Col. Sanders
How DOES he keep it up! Finger-licking Honey Monster vs Ronald McDonald
In-a-coma Honey Monster V Tony the Tiger
McDonald beats a punch drunk Honeymonster on points. So the prancing clown vs. Coco the Cocopops monkey.
Ronald McDonald, easy victor vs Fred, The Homepride Flour Man in a match of foods
Tony the Tiger vs. The "it's ... jut cheese!" Cheese Strings boy.
Kia Ora boy and dog vs crows for whom it is too frooody
Kia Ora boy and dog V Zombie Honey Monster
Zombie Honey Monster V Mustachioed Mr Pringles
Dawn of the Honey Monster Vs. Nesquik Rabbit
Zombie Honey Monster vs the Humphrey off of the old milk ads seeking vengeance for his milky bunny brother (speciality: stripey straw-nose suck attack)
Nesquick Rabbit Vs. Aunt Bessie (The Yorkshire Pudding Killa Gorilla)
Aunt Bessie Vs The Chewitts Dinosaur
Sworn enemies Bertie Basset and the anthropomorphic M&M things put aside their differences to take on the seemingly unstoppable force that is the Chewitts Dinosaur. £14.99 on Sky
The Chewitts Dinosaur (picking it's teeth with Aunt Bessie's thighbone) Vs The Cadbury's Bunny
Nesquik Rabbit vs Caramel Bunny
Bunny and Rabbit disqualified by linesman's decision. Honeymonster, down but not out, vs.the strange, Chesney Hawks-like avatar of Happy Shopper. Andrex puppy bites at HM's heels.
Happy-Shopper 'Chesney' Vs Mars Tracker Squirrel.
Mars Tracker Squirrel vs Honeynut Loops Bee
Honeynut Loops Bee Vs a very drunk and riled-up Lucky Charms Leprachaun - "They're always trying to steal me..f-f-fuckin' Lucky Charms, begorrah."
*crowd are momentarily distracted by the Cadbury's Bunny and Nesquik Rabbit going at it like....well....like bunnies actually. Up the shitter and everything. Right there in front of every fucker!
Lucky Charms Leprachaun vs Not only Snap, but Crackle and Pop too
Snap, Crackle & Pop vs. the smug fucking M&M guys in five-way Most Annoying Character EVER Smackdown
M&M guys v Um Bongo menagerie
Um Bongo menagerie vs Milky Bar Kid
Milky Bark Kid vs Frosties Kid
Milky shoots Frosty in the
kneecaps. MBK vs Douglas
the Lurpak Butter man.
And, as Douglas edges away gingerly with his trombone up his trumper, it's:
The Milky Bar Kid vs Toby from the Topic ads
The bodies are piling higher and higher, when the Milky Bar Kid is suddenly pistol-whipped by the Hubba Bubba cowboy.
So now it's... the Hubba Bubba cowboy vs Uncle Ben
The cowboy is chewed up
and spat out. Uncle Ben vs
Paul Newman - think I know
which way this one's going...
Newman's on the floor! Now its Uncle Ben vs. The Robinsons Golliwog in a head-to-head that is vaguely rascist yet still quite cute in a 1940s kind of way.
Wait! There's a referee's enquiry: apparently this is a rematch of "Robertson's Golliwog V Capoiera Black Belt Uncle Ben". The promoters really need to pay more attention.
The Golliwog and Uncle Ben form a tag team after being banned from fighting each other - they will fight the Silentnight Hippo and Duck
Silentnight Hippo and Duck are banned from fighting since mattresses aren't food. Its the Wog-meister and Unc Ben vs Mister Softee!
Mister softee clotheslines the pair of them, sending the Golliwog and Uncle Ben flying, leaving him to take on 7ups uber cool Fido Dido!
Fido Dido punts Mister Softee over a leisure centre, and that american red jug that was in Family Guy and no one got the reference steps up.
Fido Dido kicks the rabbits out for not waiting their turn and takes on Fred Bassett
Fred Basset is disqualified for being a newspaper cartoon dog with no connection to foodstuffs. However, Paddington Bear steps into the ring, citing his recent Marmite ad credentials.
Tony 'the Tiger' vs the 'they're gonna taste
great' Frosties boy. Tony tears him to pieces on
account of him being a tiger.
And, once again, an amateur promoter is reprimanded for pushing his own unauthorised fighters into the ring during the interval. Read the rules, gentlemen, please.
While giving a nod to the MC
for removing the undercard,
Fido Dido has his throat
swiped out by Paddington.
Next up it's Paddington vs
"Ice Cold" Glacier Mint Bear
A blinding, deafening explosion in the ring heralds the arrival of Bazooka Joe. Bits of Polar Bear and referee are spattered all over the front six rows.
Fresh out of retirement and appearing on Justin Lee Collins's 'Top 100 Bestest 80s Food Mascots' Bazooka Joe gets to work on the KP Crisps Friars.
Following what can only be attributed to divine intervention, the Friars now face the might of Clifford the Listerine dragon.
Clifford the Listerine dragon was on shaky ground to begin with, given that mouthwash isn't really food, so the KP Crisps Friars get by on a technicality, up next the svelte Special K Lady
Well folks, given that the svelte Special K Lady isn't really a mascot as it's a different tart in every advert but just wearing a similar dress, The Friars get another by to face Mr Soft.
**The Tetley Tea Working Class Removal Men are warming up in case tea is adjudged to be a foodstuff. They want to fuck the KP Friars up big time.
Mr Soft can take the puches, so he faces Henry's Cat, who few people remember as the mascot for Ricicles
Cat's claws rake uselessly at Soft's minty, pillow-like body, and he retires with his tail between his legs. Next up, Soft vs. The PG Tips Chimps, and the dead lion from the Lyle's syrup tin.
Chimps win! They then try, and fail, to use the Lyle's lion corpse as a shield from the terrifying, felt-fuelled rage of the Dolmio puppets. As Papa Dolmio wears the lion's severed head, he faces...
Peperami's Animal skulks into the arena, eating his child on the way in, and two spectators. Dolmio is fired up, but has discarded the lion's head in preparation for a tough scrap
Papa Dolmio is caught in two minds and retires due to family commitments. The Animal eats him anyway, and goes on to participate in arguably the best scrap to date, as the Tango Slapper enters!
Slapper starts well but it rapidly goes downhill as his predictable moves are quickly sussed by The Animal, who bites his nose, cock and cheeks off. Next up The Animal Vs The Bisto Kids.
**In the crowd The Tetley Tea Working Class Removal Men set about the KP Friars with lead pipes, bike chains and claw hammers. It's a horrible, bloody massacre.
Bisto Parents sobbing over their dismembered children. Coming out of retirement is the Cresta Polar Bear, and it looks like he's going Old School.
Animal starts well but chokes on polar bear's fur. The polar bear then swallows Animal whole. It looks clear cut, but Animal bursts from bear's chest, having eaten his way out through the heart
Fancying his chances withanother vast mammal, Animal now gets into a how-do-you-do with the TyPhoo gnu.
The Animal is unstoppable, dismembering the Gnu in a show of power that even the late Honey Monster would applaud. Will the Laughing Cow be laughing on the other side of her face as she steps up...
And as expected, it is a ridiculously uneven affair. The nervously laughing cow isn't laughing for long once the Animal has 'pirhana-ed' her head. Hindus weep as Animal continues to break records...
McDonalds Hamburgler is rigid with fear as he is shoved into the ring by Ronald. Animal is licking his lips.
Hamburgler quickly lassoos Animal, as Milk's
'Accrington Stanley' kids step up to the
challenge...
But Animal is too greasy! he slips clear, bum rapes the Hamburgler in the face, tells the Milk kid Ian Rush doesn't exist, just like Santa, and set off backstage to K.O. a Jellybaby...Incredible!
With no-one willing to pitch themselves against Animal, he decides to fight himself. He was winning all the way until he'd eaten both his legs, an arm, his scalp and ears, then is last arm. Game over
Fanny Flamingo Vs Windy Miller cage match
