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Black youths in baseball caps are employed by the British Tourist Authority as roving porters, and will happily rush to help you with your luggage if you simply extend your right arm to two o'clock and loudly and clearly shout 'Coon!'. 
Your BNP membership card will get you free access to any of the nightclubs in Brixton. Just show it to the doorman and say "Out of the way jungle-bunny. I'm with Nick."
Public transport in London still uses the 'barter system'. Never accept the first price proffered, be polite yet firm and offer what you consider to be a fair price.Other transport users will admire your 'haggling' skills and vigorously applaud you.
In order to encourage the use of local dialects, mail boxes are labelled according to local pronunciation. In Birmingham, put your letter in the box marked 'LITTER'.
If visiting East Anglia, make a point of counting peoples fingers. It is a mark of respect dating back to the 1950s.
Gypsies, or 'Travellers', are notoriously trustworthy. Should you be lucky enough to chance upon any, feel free to leave your small children and luggage with them while you go and explore.
When visiting a mosque, be sure to make loads of jokes about Muhammad. Britain's laugh-a-minute Muslim community love a good joke and aren't sensitive about their religion at all!
Visit Walsall! It's great!
Brothels can be identified by a large orange sign saying "Halfords". This is named after the Duke of Halford, who set up Britain's first coin-operated sex show in 1823.
If someone offers you their hand with palm outstretched, it means they want you to spit at them.
London is home to an ongoing Radio promotion whereby if you see a woman dressed in black with just a slit for her eyes you should whip her hood off and scream "Kick 'em out for Heart FM". This will get you an instant £1000 cash prize.
No trip to the UK is complete without a visit to Glasgow. There is great banter between the fans of Rangers and Celtic so it's fun to wear a Rangers shirt in a Celtic pub. A chorus of 'The Siege Of Dumcree 95' will get the party started : )
Be fashionable! For the ladies, fishnet tights offset by luminous orange shellsuit tops are all the rage. For men, the sarong/blazer combination can't be beat!
Fat people are venerated in Britain. If you see a wobbler tucking into any calorific foodstuff in public, don't forget to give them a round of applause and shout "That's right, fattie! Keep it up!"
In public swimming baths. Bathing costumes are optional.
The Police need as much help as possible with the capital’s heavy traffic, and are always on the lookout for volunteers to direct traffic around Trafalgar Square. Just buy a helmet from any souvenir stall, and start work straight away !
Grow a beard and carry a large ticking clock 'round in a rucksack. This will get you speedy access to any of the London landmarks and public transport system. Oh, and ignore the police too. They're just for show : )
Conveniently situated at the end of the Piccadilly Line, Cockfosters is the locals' name for Edinburgh.
You don't have to pay for taxis there and then. Show them your passport and you can pay later when it's more convenient
Changing the Guards at Buckingham Palace is made twice as good if you join in
Inside central London, you have to drive on the right. The entrances to areas where you have to do this are marked with a large "C" symbol, for reasons that are lost in the mists of time.
Whenever anyone mentions any member of the Royal Family, it is customary to stand on one leg and hum "God Save the Queen".
Failure to fart loudly at a dinner party is a grave insult to your host. If you are unsure you will be able to perform, bring a woopee cushion.
Using a bike lock is considered rude.
If you are stopped by a policeman, try making jokes about the colour of his skin. That should diffuse any tensions!
When dining out it is considered rude to refer to your partner by their name and should be called "Cunt" often and audibly enough for all to hear around you, this will gain you mucho mucho kudos among your fellow diners.
When waving to someone, it is polite to use both hands and jump up and down. Not doing this will attract too much attention.
In any pub, beer is free.
You'll want to witness the changing of the guards. Today police take on the queen's security, with the guards purely for show. In fact they are not allowed to react to ANY public action. It is traditional to test this with a back-handed face slap.
It is customary to give babies in prams a kiss to celebrate their recent birth whether you know the parents or not. They will appreciate your gesture.
The fastest way to get to the Olympic Village from central London is by cab. Don't worry about the first quote - you're expected to haggle down at the end to as little as 15% of the original price offered
If while visiting our country you are unable to find a public lavatory, simply use the leg of any nearby policeman.
When finished, it is traditional to put a gratuity of a few coins under the policeman's helmet with a cry of "Cheers Cunty!"
People from Liverpool are well known for their sense of humour, so to avoid deeply offending them - make sure you laugh openly at everything they say.
In England, the easiest place to understand the local accent is Tyneside. Especially at 11:30 on a Friday night.
The acronym "LOL" stands for Lots of Love, this should be used at the end of all texts of an empathetic nature. eg. "Sorry to hear that you got raped.LOL"
Driving is the easiest way to get round London at high speed when you're drunk. A flashing blue light in the rear view mirror is a signal to accelerate.
if you have no change, pull out your cock.
If you are taking a souvenir replica pistol home with you, pull it out and point it at a policeman before checking in for your flight.
No 10 Downing Street is open to the public between the hours of 8am to 8pm.
For free travel advice, use any public phone and dial 999. For those who don't understand English, respond to the first question with "All three. Now".
Laptops are left in public areas for anyone to connect to the web with. There is a 10 minute time limit, so if there are none available, just ask someone who's been using for too long. It is acceptable to snatch if they don't comply immediately
It is an ancient tradition and great mark of respect to the Royal Family to urinate through the railings at Buckingham Palace.
Why not pay a visit to the quaint village of Dagenham?
The elderly in Britain are extraordinarily promiscuous and like nothing better than being 'felt up' by our colonial brethren.
When visiting traditional East End pubs, it is considered good manners to ask if any of the patrons were bummed by the Krays. In South London, change 'Krays' to 'Richardsons'.
Queueing to pay at the supermarket can sometimes take several minutes. Fortunately, most shops provide a rack of complimentary sweets and chocolates at the checkout, should you get peckish. Tuck in, it's free!
Although English is spoken throughout Britain, there are some regional variations. For example, in London, the word for 'please' is 'cunt'.
Throughout Britain there are large bright red boxes with a slot near the top, these are for the disposal of used tampons and nappies.
In most parts of London 'internet cafes' can be used to download pornography and discreetly relieve your sexual tension for a nominal fee.
In London, Oyster cards can also be used to pay for small items. For instance, in a pub simply "touch in" on the pump to pay for your beer. Rent boys and prostitutes will always have one bright yellow buttock for the same purpose.
British women enjoy equal rights
but can sense when you're not
used to this and should yield
accordingly.
Double-yellow lines mean you can park any time, single yellow means you can park during school hours only.
whats mine is yours.
Although you won't find in on the medicine aisle, vinegar is an excellent natural remedy for all cuts and grazes.
